British Comedy Guide

My Failed Wind-Up Submissions

These are all the submissions I've sent to Watson's Wind-Up without success. Feel free to tear them to shreds and tell me where I'm going wrong.

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20/10/09 - "Pub Talk"

F/X:PUBLIC HOUSE AMBIENCE

MALE DRINKER: I tell you what; the security at Barlinne Prison has certainly gone downhill. Have you read this story about an inmate who built hisself a shotgun oota tweezers, lead ball bearings and a couple of crushed up match heads?

FEMALE DRINKER:You're joking? Was he not challenged by the screws?

MALE DRINKER:What? A few pozis and a couple of flat-heads wouldn't present a problem.

FEMALE DRINKER:I was talking aboot the guards.

MALE DRINKER:So was I.

END

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04/11/09 "Cast Iron Luck"

NEWS READER:Amateur metal-detector enthusiast, David Booth, has unearthed a one million pound iron age treasure trove of jewellery in Stirlingshire on his first ever outing. Mr. Booth said he was, "almost stunned" by news of its value, which is a bit like saying, "I was almost having an orgasm"; or "I was almost a tree. But, after careful consideration, I realised I wasn't."

END

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18/11/09 "Data Theft Sketch"

F/X:PHONE RINGING

MAN:(PICKS UP)Hello?

SIMON:Hi it's Simon from the Samaritans. Before your T-Mobile contract expires, is there anything you'd like to get off your chest?

MAN:How did you get this number?

MAN HANGS UP IN DISGUST

F/X: PHONE RINGS AGAIN

MAN:(PICKS UP, SIGHS) Yes?

GORDON:Hello, Gordon Brown here. If you promise to vote for me in the next general election I'll give you Fiscal Stimulus.

MAN:I'm calling the police.

END

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Desperately seeking advice and feedback.

Quote: Marc_P_74 @ November 21 2009, 3:58 PM GMT

20/10/09 - "Pub Talk"

F/X:PUBLIC HOUSE AMBIENCE

MALE DRINKER: I tell you what; the security at Barlinne Prison has certainly gone downhill. Have you read this story about an inmate who built hisself a shotgun oota tweezers, lead ball bearings and a couple of crushed up match heads?

FEMALE DRINKER:You're joking? Was he not challenged by the screws?

MALE DRINKER:What? A few pozis and a couple of flat-heads wouldn't present a problem.

FEMALE DRINKER:I was talking aboot the guards.

MALE DRINKER:So was I.

END

1) Obviously, you can't make a shotgun from tweezers, lead ball bearings and a couple of crushed up match heads so, if you're going to use absurd components, you need to make them components that either individually or together will get laughs. How about 'shoe polish, some pubic hair and a copy of Razzle'?

2) The two dual meanings in "Was he not challenged by the screws?" is clever in itself but its power to amuse depends upon finding a follow-up line that applies both to screws (for a screwdriver) and screws (as in 'prison officers'). I don't see how 'pozis' applies in any way to prison officers and I've never heard the term 'flat head' applied to a prison officer. Maybe it's a Scottish thing? Or maybe I should get out more?

Quote: Marc_P_74 @ November 21 2009, 3:58 PM GMT

04/11/09 "Cast Iron Luck"

NEWS READER:Amateur metal-detector enthusiast, David Booth, has unearthed a one million pound iron age treasure trove of jewellery in Stirlingshire on his first ever outing. Mr. Booth said he was, "almost stunned" by news of its value, which is a bit like saying, "I was almost having an orgasm"; or "I was almost a tree. But, after careful consideration, I realised I wasn't."

END

The sketch depends upon two things: (1) there being something patently absurd about saying 'I was almost stunned' and (2) the expression's being in common use in news reports of the type used in the sketch.

I don't believe either is the case.

Quote: Marc_P_74 @ November 21 2009, 3:58 PM GMT

18/11/09 "Data Theft Sketch"

F/X:PHONE RINGING

MAN:(PICKS UP)Hello?

SIMON:Hi it's Simon from the Samaritans. Before your T-Mobile contract expires, is there anything you'd like to get off your chest?

MAN:How did you get this number?

MAN HANGS UP IN DISGUST

F/X: PHONE RINGS AGAIN

MAN:(PICKS UP, SIGHS) Yes?

GORDON:Hello, Gordon Brown here. If you promise to vote for me in the next general election I'll give you Fiscal Stimulus.

MAN:I'm calling the police.

END

I'm assuming the sketch is intended to satirize the use of 'private' information (e.g. mobile phone numbers) in cold-call sales techniques. I may be wrong.

In any event, the call from the Samaritans is very funny.

The call from Gordon is also very funny (potentially) but I don't understand why he would be offering the man fiscal stimulus or even what that means in the context of the phone call. Is he offering it to the man as an individual or - and this would make more sense - to Scotland as a whole?

It's not particularly funny if it's a offer to the nation but an offer to enrich each individual would be very funny.

I think " . . . forty acres and a mule" would work well.

I second almost everything said by Roodeye (in this thread only, haven't read all of his postings to be able to offer a blanket approval)

Thank you very much Roodeye; I respect your opinion a great deal and the advice is thorough and helpful. I'm quite new to comedy writing and this forum has been a real eye-opener.

I'm so glad that you thought the Samaritans gag was funny, as it had my wife in tears of laughter. The second part is weaker, and you have explained why perfectly.

Thanks again.

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