AN INNER CITY HOUSING ESTATE TWO POLICE CARS SCREECH INTO VIEW THE POLICE GET OUT OF THE CAR CAREFULLY TO DUCK BEHIND THEIR VEHICLES. ALL EYES TRAINED ON THE FRONT OF A HOUSE
D.C. TODD
So Trevor what’s the deal here?
TREVOR
Tommy Fletcher. White male Sir, early 40s he’s got a pilot in there with him Sir.
D.C.TODD
Pilot, hmm, light aircraft, military or commercial jet?
TREVOR
No Sir a sitcom pilot.
D.C. TODD
Not another one. You see these guys join one of these online comedy forums, maybe win one of the internal competitions one week and think they’re Bob f**king Monkhouse. The next week they get jack shit votes and come crashing back down to earth with a thud. They find the rejection hard to take. What else do we know Trevor?
TREVOR
Well Sir he has threatened to pepper his sitcom pilot with gratuitous gags with no thought for believable plot lines or character development.
D.C. TODD
Pass me that megaphone. (GETS PASSED MEGAPHONE) Mr Felcher, can you hear me?
TREVOR
That’s Fletcher Sir.
D.C. TODD
Tommy can you hear me? Don’t write anything stupid. Now we don’t want to try out any funny business do we Tommy.
HEAR THE SOUND OF BROKEN GLASS AS TOMMY BREAKS HIS FRONT WINDOW WITH A PAPER WEIGHT.
D.C. TODD
What do you want Tommy? A helicopter, private bus to get you out of here because we can do that for you Tommy. Are you hungry? How about a KFC bargain bucket and coke?
TOMMY FLETCHER
I want the head of commissioning at BBC light entertainment on the phone now. I want this sitcom pilot read and optioned.
SEVERAL OF THE POLICEMEN TITTER
D.C. TODD
(TO HIS MEN) Shusshhhh. Now come on Tommy. We both know that we can’t make that happen. None of this stuff gets read you know that.
A POLICE MARKSMAN HAS HIS RIFLE AIMED AT TOMMY
MARKSMAN TURNER
I think I’ve almost got a clear shot sir. Do you want me to try and take him out?
D.C. TODD
Just hold on Turner....Tommy why don’t you put the pen and pilot down and step out into the street with your hands up. (TURNS TO TREVOR) Is he really likely to destroy his own work?
TREVOR
You need to look at this Sir.
D.C. TODD
What is it?
TREVOR
It’s his brief synopsis of the next 5 episodes. He posted it back through the letter box. He’s scribbled cock and balls all over the front page and I wouldn’t even suggest you look on page two Sir.
D.C. TODD
(LOOKING ON PAGE 2) My God, we are dealing with a disturbed man here.
MARKSMAN TURNER
Still got a clear shot Sir. Although he does have the pilot script clasped to his chest.
D.C. TODD
Do we risk it?
TREVOR
Face it Sir. The pilot is already dead.
D.C. TODD
You’re right, was it ever really alive? Take him out Turner.
TURNER
Sir. (A SINGLE SHOT FROM THE MARKSMAN TAKES OUT THE AMATEUR SITCOM WRITER).
D.C. TODD
Shame, now that’s a shame.
