Bomb Disposal Sketch

SCENE – A large police cordon, two fully kitted out bomb disposal officers are working on an unexploded bomb, partially hidden in a crater on a building site.

OFFICER
"Right, first off you'll need to use the non-metallic screwdriver to unlock the cover plate as I use the fibre optic camera to check internally"

CORPORAL
"Okay, I'm unscrewing the cover plate, checking for any hidden hair triggers"

OFFICER
"Good, you're in. Now you'll need to isolate the detonator using an electronic bypass. Fix the red and the black crocodile clips onto either side of the trip switch…but be careful for God's sake! If you don't attach them simultaneously the change in the current will set off the photovoltaic trigger and 500lb of TNT will blow us and everything in a 100 metre radius to kingdom come!"

CORPORAL (SOUNDING VERY NERVOUS)
"Right boss, here goes…"

SFX – BOTH MEN BREATHE VERY DEEPLY

OFFICER
"Well done Corporal, now if we can just find the mercury tilt switch, and remove the detonator cap we'll be able to move the ordinance to a safe place for a controlled explosion"

CORPORAL
"I can see it sir, it's positioned just to the rear of the timing mechanism. I don't think I can reach it though, it's right around the back and my hand is too big"

OFFICER
"Let me see if I can reach it…No. I see what you mean corporal it's completely inaccessible…unless…hold on. Princess?

A LITTLE GIRL APPEARS FROM OFF SCREEN, SHE'S ABOUT 6 YEARS OLD AND IN A PRETTY PINK DRESS CLUTCHING A TEDDY BEAR.

LITTLE GIRL
"Yes daddy?"

OFFICER
"Could you come here a minute"

THE LITTLE GIRL RUNS OVER TO THE BOMB

OFFICER
"Could you do daddy a favour and reach into this bomb with your ickle hand?

LITTLE GIRL
"Don't want to!"

OFFICER
"If you do it for daddy I'll buy you some chocolate"

LITTLE GIRL
"A big bar?"

OFFICER
"No, just a fun size Mars bar, you remember what your dentist said about too much chocolate"

LITTLE GIRL (SCREAMING)
"Want a big one"

OFFICER
"Okay, okay, just stop screaming! This thing could have a frequency resonance detonator! Just help daddy and Corporal Jennings to defuse this bomb and I'll buy you as much chocolate as you want"

CORPORAL
"Is that wise sir?"

OFFICER
"Well I'll just have to make sure that she cleans her teeth thoroughly tonight"

CORPORAL
"No sir, I mean is it wise letting a 6 year old girl defuse the timing mechanism on a 500lb World War Two bomb?"

OFFICER
"Well Jennings I don't see that we have much choice. Right munchkin, just reach into where daddy has his hand an try to grab that bit that's going TICK TOCK"

LITTLE GIRL
"The bit that looks like my Mickey Mouse watch?"

OFFICER
"Yes that's it Buttercup"

CORPORAL
"Sir, I don't mean to question the chain of command but what is your daughter doing within the security cordon? Civilians aren't supposed to be with 1Km of the site, especially not a six year old girl"

OFFICER
"Don't you know what today is corporal?"

CORPORAL
"No sir"

OFFICER
"It's 'Bring your daughter to work Day'

THE END

Dialogue is very long-winded before you hit the funny part - can't you cut in quicker perhaps? If it were mine I'd start it with the corporal (sounding very nervous) dialogue, which loses the first three speeches.

Plus last half of this section is exposition, both men know exactly what effect the bomb will have:

If you don't attach them simultaneously the change in the current will set off the photovoltaic trigger and 500lb of TNT will blow us and everything in a 100 metre radius to kingdom come!

It'd read better as:

If you don't attach them simultaneously the change in the current will set off the photovoltaic trigger.

I think the idea of a man getting his kid to defuse a bomb is funny though.

Thanks SlagA, this is a sketch I wrote a while back, before I learnt to edit!

I think you're right it takes too long to get to the funny bit and there's no funny lines in the first bit of exposition to justify it.

Good to know that the idea is funny, will take a bit pair of scissors to it.

ALT VERSION

SCENE – A large police cordon, two fully kitted out bomb disposal officers are working on an unexploded bomb, partially hidden in a crater on a building site.

CORPORAL
"Okay; unscrewing the cover plate, checking for any hidden hair triggers"

OFFICER
"Good. Can you isolate the detonator?"

CORPORAL (SOUNDING VERY NERVOUS)
"Here goes…"

SFX – BOTH MEN BREATHE VERY DEEPLY

OFFICER
"Well done Corporal, find the mercury tilt switch, remove the detonator cap and we'll be able to move the ordinance to a safe place for a controlled explosion"

CORPORAL
"I can see the cap sir, it's positioned just to the rear of the timing mechanism. I don't think I can reach it though, it's right around the back and my hand is too big"

OFFICER
"Let me see if I can reach it… No. I see what you mean corporal it's completely inaccessible…unless…hold on. Princess?

A LITTLE GIRL APPEARS FROM OFF SCREEN, SHE'S ABOUT 6 YEARS OLD AND IN A PRETTY PINK DRESS CLUTCHING A TEDDY BEAR.

LITTLE GIRL
"Yes daddy?"

OFFICER
"Reach into where daddy has his hand and try to grab that bit that's going TICK TOCK will you"

LITTLE GIRL
"The bit that looks like my Mickey Mouse watch?"

OFFICER
"Yes that's it Buttercup"

THE LITTLE GIRL PUTS HER HAND IN

OFFICER
"Hang on a sec princess, wait until daddy and the nice corporal are safely behind the barrier over there"

THE TWO MEN RETREAT AND CROUCH BEHIND A SAFETY BARRIER. THE OFFICER REACHES INTO HIS TUNIC AND REMOVES A SILVER HIP FLASK

CORPORAL
"Sir, I don't mean to question the chain of command but are you sure your daughter should be attempting to remove a detonator cap?"

OFFICER
"No, not really corporal but to be honest with you I'm not entirely convinced she's mine anyway, whiskey?"

THE END

I do like Cool Mikado's twist.

I like the re-write but it does miss out on my overall idea which was that his daughter was there because it was "Take Your Daughter To Work Day", nice editing though.

I like Mikado's twist but he still leaves too much at the start.

ALT VERSION #2

SCENE – A large police cordon, two fully kitted out bomb disposal officers are working on an unexploded bomb, partially hidden in a crater on a building site.

CORPORAL
"I can see the cap sir, it's positioned just to the rear of the timing mechanism. I don't think I can reach it though, it's right around the back and my hand is too big"

OFFICER
"Let me see if I can reach it… No. I see what you mean corporal it's completely inaccessible…unless…hold on. Princess?

A LITTLE GIRL APPEARS FROM OFF SCREEN, SHE'S ABOUT 6 YEARS OLD AND IN A PRETTY PINK DRESS CLUTCHING A TEDDY BEAR.

LITTLE GIRL
"Yes daddy?"

OFFICER
"Reach into where daddy has his hand and try to grab that bit that's going TICK TOCK will you"

LITTLE GIRL
"The bit that looks like my Mickey Mouse watch?"

OFFICER
"Yes that's it Buttercup"

THE LITTLE GIRL PUTS HER HAND IN

OFFICER
"Hang on a sec princess, wait until daddy and the nice corporal are safely behind the barrier over there"

THE TWO MEN RETREAT AND CROUCH BEHIND A SAFETY BARRIER. THE OFFICER REACHES INTO HIS TUNIC AND REMOVES A SILVER HIP FLASK

CORPORAL
"Sir, I don't mean to question the chain of command but are you sure that "bring your daughter to work day" is appropriate in our line of business?

OFFICER
"No, not really corporal but to be honest with you I'm not entirely convinced she's mine anyway, whiskey?"

Quote: Tony Cowards @ November 17 2009, 10:58 AM GMT

I like the re-write but it does miss out on my overall idea which was that his daughter was there because it was "Take Your Daughter To Work Day", nice editing though.

View original

Hello, glad you liked the edit. Really only changed it because the "Take Your Child To Work Day", idea so memorably done in my mind by Big Train?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U7p8r_glnE4

Am I the only one who thinks Tony knows far too much about bombmaking?

I would not trim too heavily on the intro, you need to build the sweaty suspense.

The original ending is fine for me, but the Officer's penultimate line telegraphs the punch.

Really good though.

I agree with Timbo; Mikado's edit leaves enough in to build suspense. I loved the alternative punchline, but I'm torn between it and the original, which is also a corker. To follow on from Timbo's suggestion about the ending, how about changing it to:

*****
CORPORAL
Sir, I don't mean to question the chain of command but what is your daughter doing within the security cordon?

OFFICER
Sorry I thought you knew; it's 'Bring your child to work Day'

*****