Lesbian

EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE

Delivery man rings a doorbell. An old man answers.

OLD MAN:
Hello?

DELIVERY MAN:
Alright mate, got some weightlifting equipment for you. Sign here please.

OLD MAN FLEXES HIS ARM.

OLD MAN:
(PROUDLY) Feel this.

DELIVERY MAN:
No thanks.

OLD MAN:
Go on. Please.

Delivery man feels old man's bicep. Old man winces in pain.

DELIVERY MAN:
Great. Could you sign here please?

OLD MAN:
These weights'll get me back to my prime.

DELIVERY MAN:
Look, I'm in a hurry.

OLD MAN:
Won't bring me wife back though. We were married for 50 years. Bloody Shame.

DELIVERY MAN:
Sorry to hear, but could you just-

OLD MAN:
A lesbian!

DELIVERY MAN:
What?

OLD MAN:
Found photos of her lover.

DELIVERY MAN:
Really?

OLD MAN:
23 years old and legs up to her arse. How could I compete with that?

DELIVERY MAN:
Have you still got the photos?

OLD MAN:
Aye, but you don't wanna hear an old man going on.

DELIVERY MAN:
Can I see them?

OLD MAN:
I suppose you could come in and take a look. If you really wanted to.

DELIVERY MAN:
Sure.

OLD MAN:
And then we could have a cup of Earl Grey? And some hob nobs?

DELIVERY MAN:
Yeah. Whatever.

OLD MAN:
In you come then, lad.

Delivery man goes to enter, but an old woman appears at the door.

OLD WOMAN:
What's going on?

DELIVERY MAN:
Is this the lesbian?

Old woman looks at old man.

OLD WOMAN:
What have you been saying, you big tit?!

OLD MAN:
I was just making a friend.

OLD WOMAN:
GET IN!

Old man trudges back in.

DELIVERY MAN:
Can you sign for this?

Delivery man hands old woman a piece of paper. She looks at it.

OLD WOMAN:
That's next door!

Old woman slams the door shut. Delivery man shakes his head in disbelief and makes off. Old man appears at the window and mouths "I love you" after him.

ENDS

I'm not sure about the last line, but the idea of an old dude making up a lesbian in order to get some company appealed to me. You may be on to something.

Great.

Nice.

How about:

THE DELIVERY MAN LOOKS BACK AT THE HOUSE; THE OLD MAN IS DESPERATELY BANGING ON THE WINDOW AS THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS CAN BE SEEN AROUND HIS THROAT; HE MOUTHS 'HELP ME' TO DELIVERY MAN; HE IS PULLED BACK FROM THE WINDOW, THE DELIVERY MAN JUST WALKS AWAY.

I THOUGHT IT WAS REALLY GOOD. WHAT I REALLY LIKED ABOUT WAS THE FACT THAT IT WAS REALLY EASY TO VISUALISE IT AND I ALSO AGREE WITH THE OTHER COMMENTS ABOUT THE LAST LINE. YOU SHOULD WORK ON IT, I THINK THE SHOW SHOULD RESOLVE AROUND THE DELIVERY MAN.

Very risqué and funny. Ideal for late night adult viewing!

That's uncanny, that is. Great minds and that.

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/quote/263034

Quote: Ben @ September 14 2008, 4:01 PM GMT

EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE

Delivery man rings a doorbell. An old man answers.

OLD MAN:
Hello?

DELIVERY MAN:
Alright mate, got some weightlifting equipment for you. Sign here please.

OLD MAN FLEXES HIS ARM.

OLD MAN:
(PROUDLY) Feel this.

DELIVERY MAN:
No thanks.

OLD MAN:
Go on. Please.

Delivery man feels old man's bicep. Old man winces in pain.

DELIVERY MAN:
Great. Could you sign here please?

OLD MAN:
These weights'll get me back to my prime.

DELIVERY MAN:
Look, I'm in a hurry.

OLD MAN:
Won't bring me wife back though. We were married for 50 years. Bloody Shame.

DELIVERY MAN:
Sorry to hear, but could you just-

OLD MAN:
A lesbian!

DELIVERY MAN:
What?

OLD MAN:
Found photos of her lover.

DELIVERY MAN:
Really?

OLD MAN:
23 years old and legs up to her arse. How could I compete with that?

DELIVERY MAN:
Have you still got the photos?

OLD MAN:
Aye, but you don't wanna hear an old man going on.

DELIVERY MAN:
Can I see them?

OLD MAN:
I suppose you could come in and take a look. If you really wanted to.

DELIVERY MAN:
Sure.

OLD MAN:
And then we could have a cup of Earl Grey? And some hob nobs?

DELIVERY MAN:
Yeah. Whatever.

OLD MAN:
In you come then, lad.

Delivery man goes to enter, but an old woman appears at the door.

OLD WOMAN:
What's going on?

DELIVERY MAN:
Is this the lesbian?

Old woman looks at old man.

OLD WOMAN:
What have you been saying, you big tit?!

OLD MAN:
I was just making a friend.

OLD WOMAN:
GET IN!

Old man trudges back in.

DELIVERY MAN:
Can you sign for this?

Delivery man hands old woman a piece of paper. She looks at it.

OLD WOMAN:
That's next door!

Old woman slams the door shut. Delivery man shakes his head in disbelief and makes off. Old man appears at the window and mouths "I love you" after him.

ENDS

View original

Marc P actually pointed out the plagiarism earlier. Then his post was deleted. Making my comment "Great" look like it applied to the sketch, rather than his post. What's that about?

I wonder why he did it? Did he think by using an older sketch that he wouldn't be found out? Puzzling.

Some good memories on here, remembering this had been posted before.
*thumbs up*

Chew on this Chortle thread as well:

http://tinyurl.com/ydfgx5q

--- and this:

http://www.myspace.com/508329994

Quote: Morrace @ November 17 2009, 1:22 AM GMT

Chew on this Chortle thread as well:

http://tinyurl.com/ydfgx5q

--- and this:

http://www.myspace.com/508329994

View original

My God, at least he doesn't look like a dodgy geezer.

"Teddy, it's Guy Ritchie on the phone again..."

Quote: Tim Walker @ November 17 2009, 1:32 AM GMT

My God, at least he doesn't look like a dodgy geezer.

"Teddy, it's Guy Ritchie on the phone again..."

View original

Is that a 'tear tattoo' under his right eye?!

Quote: Tim Walker @ November 17 2009, 1:32 AM GMT

My God, at least he doesn't look like a dodgy geezer.

View original

You got that right. Now here's a dodgy geezer:

http://tinyurl.com/yf79wft

Quote: The Giggle-o @ November 17 2009, 1:36 AM GMT

Is that a 'tear tattoo' under his right eye?!

View original

I think it's more likely to be either a) a liver spot, or b) a basal cell carcinoma.

In the photo on the left (him sitting down, with the blonde "skirt") he looks like an even older Robert de Niro.

Either way, I suggest Ben just gives up his ownership of the sketch right away. Don't want anything to happen to his pretty boy looks.

Quote: Morrace @ November 17 2009, 1:39 AM GMT

You got that right. Now here's a dodgy geezer:

http://tinyurl.com/yf79wft

View original

Yes, because the best boxers have the fewest scars, don't you know...