BSG COMP 2.10-9.10

Right - start of another comp.

This week's winner is... STEVEN! Fat congrats! (PM with your choice of subject for next comp please.)

And with the new points system you win 10 big shiny points!

Votes - Points - Name
05 - 10 - Steven
02 - 05 - Dale
02 - 05 - Stylo
01 - 01 - me

This week's topic is... COSMETIC SURGERY (chosen by Dale).

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: Tues 9 October

Good luck!

Overall Leader Board then is as follows:-

Points - Name

50 - Baumski
40 - Jude
30 - Charley Rance
17 - Michael Monkhouse
16 - Frankie Rage
16 - Fred Peters
15 - Leevil
15 - Dale
11 - David Chapman
11 - Steven
10 - Swerytd
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Kent Pete
08 - Stylo
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - EllieJP
01 - Gavin
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Hellboy
01 - Winterlight
01 - Batman

Spot any mistakes? Wouldn't surprise me, I can't count, so PM me. Thanks

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

A woman sits up in bed with bandages entirely covering her face. Dark glasses perch on her nose at an odd angle.

She sips at a drink with a straw, through a tiny hole in her cheek area.

A young DOCTOR approaches.

DOCTOR
And how are you feeling today, Miss Simmons?

MISS SIMMONS
Fine... though I keep missing my mouth with the straw. Probably the effects of the general anaesthetic still?

DOCTOR
Ah... well, I'm sorry but I have some rather bad news on that score... you know you told the cosmetic surgeon that you wanted to look like a woman in a Pre-Raphaelite painting?

MISS SIMMONS
Erm... yes?

DOCTOR
Well, I'm afraid art history wasn't his best subject at school.

MISS SIMMONS
What do you mean?

DOCTOR
He got a bit confused, and he's given you the look of a woman in a Picasso painting... this one in fact.

He holds up a Picasso of a womans face with her eyes at odd angles and her mouth on her cheek.

Miss Simmons puts her head in her hands and sobs.

DOCTOR
Cheer up! It's not all bad... I've managed to book you in as an exhibit at the Tate a week Thursday!

MAN ENTERS THE SURGERY WITH A LARGE BAG

MAN: Hello.

TAKES A STAR OUT OF THE BAG

MAN: I'd like you to enlarge this point on this star.

DOCTOR: I think you've misunderstood the topic of this sketch competition.

MAN PULLS A PIECE OF PAPER OUT OF THE BAG

MAN: Ah shit!

MAN THROWS STAR TO THE GROUND AND LOOKS DISAPPOINTEDLY AT CAMERA AND THEN AT STAR

MAN (TO DOCTOR): You sure you can't...

DOCTOR: No.

Cosmetic surgeons have created the perfect face.
The hair of Demi Moore...
The eyes of Jessica Alba...
The nose of Angelie Jolie...
The mouth of Scarlett Johansson.
See the result here http://www.pbase.com/image/7576505

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ October 2, 2007, 3:32 PM

Cosmetic surgeons have created the perfect face.
The hair of Demi Moore...
The eyes of Jessica Alba...
The nose of Angelie Jolie...
The mouth of Scarlett Johansson.
See the result here http://www.pbase.com/image/7576505

View original

Scarlett Johansson has stubble? Ouch!

INT. POSH ROOM WITH EASY CHAIRS SEVERAL CUSTOMERS SITTING DOWN LOOKING THROUGH MENUS.

AN EMPLOYEE OF THE COSMETIC SURGERY AND MINOR MEDICAL PROCEDURES CLINIC APPROACHES ONE OF THE COUPLES.

EMPLOYEE
Are you ready to order Sir, Madam?

THE YOUNG COUPLE LOOK AT EACH OTHER

DEIDRE
You go first Tom.

TOM
Right, I’d like to go for the set menu, number 3 please.

EMPLOYEE
Perfect choice Sir.

DEIDRE
I’ll have the number 10 please.

EMPLOYEE
Madam(HE COLLECTS MENUS). .Will there be anything else?

DEIDRE
No that’s all thanks.

EMPLOYEE
Could I interest you in today’s special? Anal bleaching?

TOM
Is it any good?

EMPLOYEE
I can assure you Sir that after Dr Ralph has weaved his magic your ring piece will be whiter than Simon Cowell’s smile.

TOM
No I think we’ll leave it.

EMPLOYEE
Anything else whilst you wait? facial peel?

DEIDRE
No honestly that’ll be all thanks.

EMPLOYEE
Very good Sir, if I can just read back your order; Lips done, hips done, teeth cleaned, warts freezed, boob job, lube job, jowl reduction, liposuction, colonectomy, full vasectomy, nipples shifted, buttocks lifted, eyebag removal, bowels hoovered, botox injection and a scrotal section.

TOM
Yes that’s right thank you.

EMPLOYEE
Well Dr Long performs boob reduction, Penis reduction, Jaw shortening and tummy tucks and Dr Short does boob enlargement, Penis enlargement and buttock implants and Miss L Aneous does the majority of the none medical procedures. The relevant physician will be with you shortly.

TOM AND DEIDRE WAKE UP FROM THEIR SURGERY AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER AGHAST, TOM HAS ENORMOUS BREASTS

TOM
Shit, they’ve mixed our order up.

Ellie enters the Cosmetic Surgery.

DOCTOR : Good morning Miss. And how can i help you?

ELLIE : My pim... sorry - my friend Dave said you could help me.

DOCTOR : Ah - Mr Chapman. He often recommends clients to me. So what would you like me to do.

ELLIE GETS UNDRESSED.

ELLIE : He said you could probably do something about this.

SHE SHOWS THE DOCTOR HER WOUND.

ELLIE : I've just had my appendix out.

DOCTOR PEELS THE PLASTER AWAY.

DOCTOR : Ooh - it is a bit of a mess isn't it.

ELLIE : He said maybe you could tidy it up for me.

DOCTOR : Why do you want me to do that?

ELLIE : Well he said I could always have a bit on the side.

DAVID!!! That is dispicable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But now i'm famous! hehe

Soory Ellie. I just want to get my money's worth.

Quote: EllieJP @ October 2, 2007, 9:16 PM

DAVID!!! That is dispicable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But now i'm famous! hehe

View original

Funny though, sorry. Keep those entries coming, oo-er.

INT- NIGHT CLUB OFFICE – NIGHT

We see three shady characters a GANG BOSS, DANNY and JENNINGS a backstreet plastic surgeon in dark dingy room of a nightclub office, DANNY's head is covered in bandages, he is sitting in a chair they are about to take the bandages off

GANG BOSS:

Danny, you’re going to be pretty pleased with what Jennings has done to you, he’s one of the best plastic surgeons in the big apple he’s worked on many of my guys once he gets to work on you you’ll be like a rabbit shit in a bag of chocolate raisins. Undee-freakin- tectable, the fuzz won’t be able to find you.

DANNY:

That’s great, who’s he worked on boss?

GANG BOSS:

You remember Sammy “The slicer” Jones,

[Danny knods]

GANG BOSS (CONT)

well he did some pretty nifty work on Sammy

DANNY:

I thought I hadn’t seen him about for a long time boss. Where is he?

GANG BOSS:

She, you’ve seen her about. You know Tracy the cigarette girl who works in this joint?

DANNY:

No way!

GANG BOSS:

Yep, a fine job he did. Didn’t you Jennings?

JENNINGS:

Well I wouldn’t like to say

DANNY:

I was going to ask her to marry me boss, we’re sweet hearts.

GANG BOSS

Well whatever flicks your switch Danny

JENNINGS:

Now Danny we are going to remove the bandages now and I want you to stay calm some times patients can be traumatized when the see the changes that I’ve made to them

GANG BOSS:

If memory serves me well Jennings. Tracy was pretty happy.

JENNINGS:

Yes, very.

[Jennings steps closer and gradually he removes the bandages from Danny’s head]

DANNY:

It feels strange

JENNINGS:

Do not worry Danny when all the bandages are off you will still have the sensation of the bandages this will fade in time

[Jennings removes the rest of the bandages then takes a step back and stands next to the Gang Boss and they both admire his handy work.]

GANG BOSS:

Jennings you’ve done it again! You’re a freaking artist!

DANNY:

Let me see Boss, let me see my face.

[He hands Danny a mirror, Danny raises the mirror to his face and we see in the reflection Danny with a pair of Groucho Marx Comedy glasses.]

BEAT

DANNY (CONT)

(Happy ) It’s friggin beautiful boss

THE END

TWO MEN SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER IN A PACKED WAITING ROOM OF A WORLD RENOWNED CONSULTANT COSMETIC SURGEON IN HIS HARLEY STREET CLINIC. MR JONES IS OBVIOUSLY MIDDLE-AGED AND DRESSES TO MATCH. MR SMITH IS OF SIMILAR AGE BUT FAR TRENDIER AND IS EXTREMELY WELL GROOMED. BOTH SMILE NERVOUSLY AT EACH OTHER AND NOD BY WAY OF GREETING.

JONESFirst time?

SMITHOh, yes.

JONESMe too. I’m only here ‘cos my wife insisted. Says I’ve reached the age where I could do with a ‘touch up’. Forcing me to use part of my ‘rainy day’ savings!

SMITHReally? Oh, I’m only here as my adoring girlfriend entered a competition in a national newspaper on my behalf as a surprise, and she won.

JONESBlimey, that’s nice of her. She must think a lot of you?

SMITHNaturally. I think she realises that I am the best thing that has ever happened to her and wants to do all she can to keep me.

JONES SHUFFLES UNCOMFORTABLY IN HIS SEAT, WISHING HE HAD SUCH A GENEROUS WOMAN.

JONESYou lucky sod!

SMITHWell, I don’t like to boast however fortunately some of us chaps have all a lady requires to keep them happy.

JUST THEN A PRETTY NURSE ENTERS THE WAITING ROOM.

NURSEMr Smith?

SMITH(Smarmily) Hello sweet thing. Do you want me?

THE NURSE PAUSES, NODS AND SMILES AS IF SHE HAS JUST REALISED SOMETHING.

NURSEAh, right. That explains it. (Loudly) So it was your girlfriend who won the Sun’s ‘Knob Job’ competition.

End.

SCENE 1

We are in a bright, sanitised doctors surgery. The doctor - a short plump man - is speaking to his customer, a tall, slim woman. A nurse stands towards the side of the screen, cleaning tools.

DOCTOR
So if you'd just like to go through there Miss Ryan, you can collect your surgical robes. They're not too fetching I'm afraid but they serve their purpose.

The customer thanks the doctor and leaves the room.

DOCTOR
Nurse, fetch me my butchers knife.

NURSE
But doctor..

DOCTOR
Don't argue. And get me my sewing kit.

SCENE 2

We see the ceiling of the surgery from the patient's eyes. We can hear the doctors voice somewhere above her.

Doctor
How does this look Miss Ryan?

A mirror is thrust in front of the camera, and we can see that the woman now has the doctors face, with stitch lines clearly visible round the edges. She screams loudly, and the doctor, now sporting the woman's face - again with stitches - leans over into vision and laughs evilly.

Hi again very scared never done this before and not been on for ages hope you don't mind me having a go!!!! Any feed back too would be greatly appreciated

We are inside the waiting room of DR OTIS THEODORE TOPP a cosmetic surgeon at the cutting edge of embarassing illnesses. TRACEY has booked a consultation for ingrowing hair on her legs. AMBER the receptionist is at her desk bored filing her nails and taking what is obviously a personal call.

AMBER:.... So anyway I told him that there was no way I was gonna put up with that kinda behaviour. Hang on...O T Topp cosmetic consultations can I help?

TRACEY: Errrm yeah I have an appointment with Dr Topp at 9.30.

AMBERIN TO THE PHONE)i WILL HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK.... (GIGGLES)No they are not all freaks.......Yeah catch you later.Bye!! (TO TRACEY)Can I have your name please?

TRACEY: Yeah it's Tracey Sanderson.

AMBER: T.r.a.c.e.y. S.a.n.d.e.r.s.o.n. Aaah right there you are..OOOh ingrowing leg hair? Lovely, just take a seat please Dr Topp will be with you shortly.

TRACEY: Ok Thanks.

MAN ENTERS DOUG PROCEEDS TO THE RECEPTION DESK

SFX: BING BONG TRACEY SANDERSON EXAMINATION ROOM FOUR PLEASE...TRACEY SANDERSON EXAMINATION ROOM FOUR... THANKYOU.

AMBER: D.o.u.g.l.a.s S.m.i.t.h...Yes 10.00 Wonky Willie?? That must be troublesome would you prefer to stand?

SCENE 2 INT 9.30 EXAMINATION ROOM FOUR.

DR TOPP: So what seems to be the problem?

TRACEY: Well DR its my legs, I seem to h...

DR TOPP: Legs right..Ah ha

TRACEY: Yes I seem to have little in growing hairs all down my..

DR TOPP: In growing hairs, yes right.. Do they bother you?

TRACEY: Well yes I am very concious of them and they..

DR TOPP: Right then lets get you sorted.

TRACEY: What you think you can help?

DR TOPP: Yes dear I am sure of it I can have you cured in just a few minutes, hop up on to the couch..... Right lets hav a look how far up do the little blighters go?

TRACEY: They are mostly below the knees on my shins.

DR TOPP: Get yourself comfortable then and I will be back in just a tick with the right tool for the job.

TRACEY: So will you be using a laser or ultra violet rays or something?

(VOICE ONLY)

DR TOPP: Laser Dear? No.

SFX: SOUND OF CHAIN SAW STARTING UP

WE SEE TRACEY RUNNING THROUGH THE WAITING ROOM

TRACEY: He was going to use a bloody chain saw

TO DOUG NODDING TOWARDS HIS CROTCH

TRACEY: I would go now mate, it might be wonky but at least its still there.

THEY LEAVE THE WAITING ROOM

DR TOPP: I have done it again haven't I? I really must explain the new soundwave technology before I switch the machine on.

2 surgical tables are opposite each other in a room. Two teams of doctors and nurses are stood frozen in position around them.

SPEAKER: On your marks..... get set..... gooooooooooooooooooooo!

The doctors and nurses rush around cutting open the bodies on both tables in a bid to finish first.

DOCTOR 1 on first table : FINISHED!

DOCTOR 2 on 2nd table 2 seconds later: FINISHED! Damn it...you must have cheated..have you really finished the needle localized excisional biopsy to surgically remove the exercise-resistant fat deposits with a tube and vacuum device.

DOCTOR 1: Yes!

DOCTOR 2 walks over to the other doctors table: Ahhh ha ha... I win!!!

DOCTOR 1: But...but i finished first.

DOCTOR 2: Ah... but where's your scapel!? I think that makes it 4 to me...1 to you! Ha ha haa

DOCTOR 2 draws another mark on the white board!