'Bunk' got as far as round one. If anyone has the energy to read it all, I'd appreciate any feedback.
INT. A MEETING ROOM. DAY.
Four people: SANDRA, an attractive, bright 20 something account exec.; ADRIAN, a quietly despairing account exec in his late 20's who sort of knows he's sold his soul to the P & R Marketing devils and occasionally subverts things to make himself feel better; AUBREY (A young 50 odd), the head of the organization and a smooth but not very bright cynic always looking for the main chance; and his 'nice but dim' expensively uneducated son, JUSTIN are sat around the table, suddenly a V.O. booms out, it is estuary English and quite shouty.
V.O.
Men!
Everyone jumps.
V.O. (CONT)
Do you find the thought of women doing DIY or car maintenance laughable?
Sandra looks annoyed; Aubrey and Justin stifle a laugh.
V.O. (CONT)
Do you believe you can have the body of an Adonis in just 10 minutes a week?
V.O. (CONT)
Do you like to pretend that you look at soft core pornography because it is post modern and ironic?
Aubrey shifts uneasily in his chair.
V.O. (CONT)
Are you embarrassed because you don't know what spelunking or extreme dog-wrangling are?
Everyone looks at each other confused.
V.O. (CONT)
Do you want to know the ten ways in which an intimate knowledge of computer games makes you irresistible to women?
Justin picks up a pencil as if to take notes.
V.O. (CONT)
Then you need to buy: New! Sad Lads Mag. Issue one in the shops now! With free scratch and sniff ladypictures. Buy one now!
V.O. (CONT)
New! Sad Lads Mag. It does exactly what it says on the tin.
V.O. (CONT)
(QUICKLY IN AN ADVERT DISCLAIMER VOICE) Does not come in a tin. May not do what it says. All clichés correct at time of recording. May contain Kelly Brook. May preclude genuine and fulfilling relationships with members of the opposite sex. May make you look like a tosser.
Aubrey, whose face has gradually been growing thunderous, stands up.
AUBREY
So, would anyone care to suggest why we lost the SLM radio advertising contract?
Silence for a beat.
AUBREY (CONT)
Adrian?
There is a pregnant pause, and it is obvious that the jaws of a trap have just creaked open and now glint menacingly.
ADRIAN
Weeell…They did seem to lack a sense of humour. Perhaps we were too subtle for them?
Aubrey clearly loses patience.
AUBREY
Sad Lads Mag?! SLM stands for Sport, Ladies and Motors!
ADRIAN
(FAUX CONFUSED) I'm sure that's the name I was given.
Aubrey is now incandescent.
AUBREY
By whom? You bloody…
Sandra interrupts calmly but firmly.
SANDRA
By Justin.
Justin waves vaguely.
SANDRA
It was your son who put together the brief <BEAT> at your insistence as I recall.
Aubrey re-adjusts to the new reality.
AUBREY
But that was only the editor's nickname for it. Adrian, you should have known…
Now Sandra interrupts firmly and calmly.
SANDRA
That Justin is an idiot?
Justin starts and looks offended.
ADRIAN
That the clients were a bunch of arrogant cocks laughing at their customers even as they exploited them?
SANDRA
That this is a morally bankrupt client who we should have treated like a dead skunk and run a mile from?
Justin is clearly anxious to join in.
JUSTIN
That they were... erm… no, sorry.
Aubrey becomes even more exasperated.
AUBREY
What the hell has morality got to do with us? The sign on the door says Marketing and PR, people, not Salvation Army.
He collapses in a chair.
AUBREY (CONT)
Although it might as well say "unemployed". The only marketing contract we have left is Umbongo.
ADRIAN
Well...
Aubrey buries his face in his hands.
AUBREY
What?
SANDRA
You know the idea about sending a shipment to Africa so we could show that they actually do drink it in the Congo?
AUBREY
Don't tell me: it didn't get there.
ADRIAN
Oh, it got there alright.
SANDRA
Didn't you hear about the recent food riots in Kinshasa?
AUBREY
There's no need to swear, Sandra.
SANDRA
What? Kinshasa is the capital of Congo!
AUBREY
I 'Kin know it is Sandra but watch your language.
ADRIAN
Look. Apparently some warlords got hold of a couple of boxes of the stuff, and the resulting sugar rush…well…
There is a brief pause while they consider the implications.
AUBREY
But hang on! Surely that's a marketing Godsend? Umbongo, the drink people will kill for?
The rest are clearly aghast at the response.
ADRIAN
Yes Aubrey, its genocide-o-licious.
SANDRA
Blood-bath-tastic
JUSTIN
It's… No. Sorry. Lost it.
He tails off.
AUBREY
That's the trouble with you people, always seeing the negative side.
ADRIAN
We've just caused - and implicated our major customer in – the deaths of dozens of innocent people. I am finding it quite hard to see the upside!
AUBREY
Well…I know! We can mobilize a celebrity response! Great for our PR work.
Aubrey paces around mentally sorting through their PR client base.
AUBREY (CONT)
Let's see, is Ross Kemp available?
SANDRA
After you got him sent to Afghanistan? Twice? I don't think he'll be returning your calls for a while.
AUBREY
Those series were very well received.
ADRIAN
Yes, but as I believe he said on the satellite phone
MIMICS ROSS KEMP'S VOICE) "They're f**king shooting at me!"
AUBREY
Damn! How about Michael Barrymore, I expect they could do with a laugh?
ADRIAN
(MIMICS AUBREY'S VOICE) "Michael. Darling. I can assure you we have things under control. You need to relax, why not have a party?"
AUBREY
Ah.
ADRIAN
And don't even think about The Cheeky Girls. They still haven't forgiven you for making one of them shag Lembit Opik.
SANDRA
That was possibly the worst toss to lose in the whole of recorded history.
Justin is desperate to make a contribution.
JUSTIN
'Someone has to take a bullet in the name of celebrity profile'; that's what Dad always says.
He points at Aubrey.
SANDRA
That's not how they saw it, and frankly Justin, I don't think it was particularly helpful to tell Ross Kemp that either.
AUBREY
So, who've we got left then?
Everyone looks blank.
AUBREY(CONT)
Bloody hell.
JUSTIN
Shall we use the time machine then Daddy?
ADRIAN
The what?
Aubrey replies in a very matter-of-fact way.
AUBREY
The time machine. Every PR agency has had one since Saatchi and Saatchi got one in the 1980's.
ADRIAN
Saatchi & Saatchi had a time machine?
AUBREY
Of course. Would you buy a pickled shark without one?
ADRIAN
Fair point.
SANDRA
Wait a minute. You've had a time machine since the 80's and never used it?
ADRIAN
Apart from Justin's exam results?
JUSTIN
How did you know?
Adrian just gives him a look.
ADRIAN
It's the PR code. You must never use the time machine except in the case of a dire emergency.
ADRIAN
Like making money out of crap conceptual art?
AUBREY
It's more of a guideline really.
SANDRA
So, how come no one from the future comes back here?
AUBREY
Apart from Max Clifford you mean?
SANDRA
Max Clifford?
AUBREY
Host of "Britain's Most Gullible Decades"
They all look at him aghast.
AUBREY (CONT)
The most popular TV prank show in the year 2200. He goes back in time to see who he can make famous. Jade Goody won him a BAFTA.
Justin is doing his best to keep up.
JUSTIN
So everything Max Clifford does is a joke?
SANDRA
Well, at least that makes sense.
ADRIAN
What are you going to do then? Go forward in time and check out today's lottery numbers?
AUBREY
We can't do that. No simplistic interventions. It's got to be stylish. <BEAT> The PR code.
ADRIAN
Like making Jade Goody famous?
AUBREY
As I said, it's more of a guideline. No, we're going to do what we do best.
SANDRA
Cause soft-drink-based mayhem?
AUBREY
No. Make a better world through the power of PR.
Aubrey strikes a portentous pose. Adrian is suddenly panicky and loquacious.
ADRIAN
And you think that's gonna go well do you? Have you never heard of paradoxes? You'll disrupt the timeline. In the words of John Connor: 'The future's not set'. What if you end up having sex with your Granny? You'll be your own Grandad and you might end up being born a one-eyed monkey boy.
They all look at him aghast. Adrian shrugs, and looks at Justin, who is scratching his armpit, then at Aubrey.
BLACK OUT
INT. A MEETING ROOM. DAY.
Aubrey, Sandra, Adrian and Justin are stood around. Aubrey has clearly been going through this with Justin for a long time and is exhausted.
AUBREY
Right. So let's go through the plan one more time. You're going back to 1920 to find a struggling artist, OK.
JUSTIN
Right.
AUBREY
Then what?
Justin is clearly thinking hard.
JUSTIN
Do I take him to a French toilet?
AUBREY
No. Think, Justin. You need to explain about the rise of conceptual art. Like Duchamp's urinal. Tell him that if he…
SANDRA
Or she.
AUBREY
If he (GLANCES AT SANDRA), or she, can produce some conceptual art then we can make him…
SANDRA
Or ...
Aubrey is becoming impatient.
AUBREY
Yes, alright: or her. Very rich. Then you use your PR skills to make them famous before bringing back some of their work for us to sell. Any questions?
JUSTIN
This conceptual art?
Aubrey speaks with a clear sense of foreboding.
AUBREY
Yeees?
JUSTIN
Does it have to be urinals, or can it be any item of sanitary ware?
AUBREY
For F… Can't you two do it?
He turns to Sandra and Adrian.
ADRIAN
Not 'til we know it's safe.
Aubrey takes them to one side leaving Justin.
AUBREY
Look, how about if we send you somewhere where there is no chance any of your family might be involved? Say, New York.
Sandra shakes her head.
AUBREY
OK, how about Berlin? None of you have any ancestors from around there so you can feel free to put it about a bit. I understand it was a pretty raunchy town back then. Anything went.
Adrian snorts.
ADRIAN
If you think we can be bought with the promise of easy, consequence-free sex with as many partners as we want, I think I can speak for us both when I say…
SANDRA
Hang on a minute.
Adrian does a double take.
SANDRA (CONT)
Look, I'm just saying that this might be a more interesting assignment than coming up with a brand name for spray cheese.
Justin has been edging closer and now adds.
JUSTIN
Can-O-Curd!
Everyone looks at him.
JUSTIN
Mozzarella mist!
Aubrey turns to the others in panic.
AUBREY
You've got to help me.
ADRIAN
OK. Justin goes first and makes contact and, if he…
JUSTIN
Or she?
ADRIAN
Comes back alive, we'll go and close the deal.
AUBREY
Excellent. Now Justin off you go and find us an artist.
JUSTIN
OK.
He picks up a Daily Mail
ADRIAN
Why are you taking that?
JUSTIN
I haven't finished the Sudoku.
Sandra grabs the paper.
SANDRA
I love those. Can I help?
She looks at the paper.
SANDRA (CONT)
But these are just random numbers, you haven't obeyed the rules.
JUSTIN
Yeah. Like there are rules.
Justin takes the paper back with a supercilious air and strides off shaking his head. In a second he is back.
JUSTIN
What ho everyone! All done.
AUBREY
How come you're back so quickly?
SANDRA
It's a time machine. He can come back anytime he wants.
JUSTIN
I say! Can I? I wish I'd come back earlier then.
ADRIAN
Why?
Justin Shrugs.
JUSTIN
I still haven't finished the Sudoku.
He looks for the paper, but can't see it. Sandra is impatient.
SANDRA
So who are we meeting, and where?
JUSTIN
Two lovely chaps. Addy and Joey. They'll be The Pink Flamingo on Hauptbahnhoff Strasse.
SANDRA
How will we recognise them? Are they particularly good looking, or something?
ADRIAN
Ignore princess pervy here. What do they look like?
JUSTIN
Well… they look a bit German.
SANDRA
Listen Justin, this is very important: German like Michael Schumacher or German like Sett Blatter?
ADRIAN
I can't help feeling Justin, that 'a bit German looking' won't help us much in a bar in Germany. Could you describe them?
He picks a pen and paper.
JUSTIN
Well, they are about average height and weight.
Adrian writes this down.
ADRIAN
Colouring?
Justin thinks.
JUSTIN
About average?
Adrian puts down the pen and looks at Justin piercingly.
ADRIAN
Anything not average about either of them?
JUSTIN
Erm. Not really. Oh! Hang on! Joey has mole behind his right ear.
ADRIAN screws up the paper and throws it away.
ADRIAN
So aside from checking under the hair of every 'German looking' bloke in the pub we have no way of spotting Addy and Joey?
JUSTIN
No.<BEAT> Just that.<BEAT> and the badges.
ADRIAN
They're wearing badges?
JUSTIN
Of course.
Adrian goes to hit him and Sandra intercepts him.
ADRIAN
OK. Let's get going.
Adrian leaves the stage first. Before exiting Sandra pauses and turns to Justin.
SANDRA
On a scale of 1 to 10, how attractive would you say…
ADRIAN (V.O.)
Leave it!
BLACK OUT
INT. A BAR. DAY.
A split stage. Sandra, and Addy are sat at a table with Adrian and Joey at another. Initially Sandra and Addy are lit.
ADDY
So I said to Modigliani: "Why the long face?"
They laugh.
SANDRA
So, Addy. If you want to be a successful artist you need to make people remember you. Look at Salvador Dali here. What do you notice?
She shows him a picture.
ADDY
The moustache?
SANDRA
That's right. You can tell right away he is a surrealist.
ADDY
So to be an artist you have to look mental?
SANDRA
Not exactly. Now here's one of Tracy Emin. What do you notice?
She shows him another picture. Addy thinks for a moment.
ADDY
The moustache?
The lights go off on Sandra and Addy and come up on Joey and Adrian.
JOEY
So. This PR thing. It's basically lying right? I mean how do you justify that?
ADRIAN
It's not lying. It's just helping to create an alternative truth.
Joey is clearly puzzled.
ADRIAN
Look, most people find life a bit too complex, so we help to make it simple.
JOEY
No. You've lost me.
ADRIAN
Let me give you an example. We were helping a politician called Mrs Thatcher and we needed to show how she was better than the opposition. So we ran some posters with key opposition statements on them but – and here's the clever bit – we put evil eyes.
He makes quotation marks in the air.
ADRIAN (CONT)
On the poster to show how they were evil and liars.
JOEY
Ah. So they had evil intentions? So as PR Guru you were helping the honourable Mrs Thatcher beat the exploiters?
ADRIAN
Erm… sort of. The point was to make everyone realise that Mrs Thatcher was nice and her opponents were bad.
JOEY
So that good could triumph and the people would prosper under her benevolent rule?
ADRIAN
Erm… If you like…Look, maybe we should go simpler. How about I tell you about slogans? Let me tell you about how the phrase "cooking with gas" became part of the English language.
Lights down on Joey and Adrian and up on Sandra and Addy. They are obviously getting increasingly drunk. Sandra is ruffling his hair. He appears to be fiddling with something on the table.
SANDRA
I think you will make a fabulous famous artist. And of course, you'll need a muse.
She leans in seductively and begins to stroke his thigh. Addy looks up.
ADDY
And, of course, a memorable moustache. What do you think?
He theatrically holds up a 'Hitler' moustache to his top lip and raises his hand in a wave which looks a bit like a Nazi salute(one of the bent arm variety used by the more casual Nazi).
ADDY
Hi, my name is Adolph and I am a famous artist. Pleased to meet you.
Sandra is clearly thunderstruck and recoils.
The lights go down on them and up on Joey and Adrian. Again, they are clearly drunk and Joey is summarising what Adrian has taught him.
JOEY
So you are saying that to be successful in PR you must.
Here he begins to count off on his fingers.
JOEY (CONT)
Wear nice smart suits.
Adrian nods drunkenly.
JOEY (CONT)
Pretend you are nice when you are not.
Adrian nods drunkenly.
JOEY (CONT)
Convince people your opponents are evil when they are not.
Adrian's non-verbals indicate that this is a bit wide of the mark but an acceptable simplification.
JOEY (CONT)
And then, cook them with gas?
Adrian nods drunkenly then realises his mistake.
ADRIAN
What? Oh F….
BLACK OUT
END OF PART THE FIRST
INT. A BAR. DAY.
Sandra and Adrian are sat at the table together. Addy and Joey have gone.
SANDRA
Oh. My. God.
ADRIAN
I know! Do you think we've messed up the timeline?
SANDRA
What? I was about to offer a blow-job to the greatest mass murderer in history!
ADRIAN
(DISTRACTEDLY)Do you think he's the greatest? I always thought Stalin had a certain je ne sais quoi.
SANDRA
I'm not passing judgement on the quality of his genocide. I almost slept with Hitler!
ADRIAN
Maybe you should.
Sandra is clearly shocked.
ADRIAN (CONT)
You know. Perhaps that's what he needed. To chill him out, sort of thing.
Sandra's shock turns to anger.
SANDRA
So you think World War II might be prevented by a timely tumble? A hump for the holocaust? Jesus! Men!
She begins to think about it.
SANDRA (CONT)
You don't think it would work do you?
ADRIAN
Probably not. The theory is that history is elastic, it always end up being what it always was.
SANDRA
Although, technically that is a theory based on Star Trek, isn't it?
ADRIAN
(DEFENSIVELY) And Torchwood.
SANDRA
Yeah. Well, despite the persuasive science-fiction precedent, maybe I could get close to him and kill him?
Adrian appears to consider this carefully.
ADRIAN
Might work. Of course you could just clear the way for someone really competent to lead the Nazis, then they might actually win the war.
They consider this.
ADRIAN (CONT)
Anyway, I think your odds of getting close to him now are pretty long. People remember being vomited on.
SANDRA
It was the shock. <BEAT> And the schnapps.
She suddenly has a realisation.
SANDRA (CONT)
Oh God! I'm responsible for the moustache. I persuaded Hitler he needed a comedy moustache!
They laugh in relief.
ADRIAN
I suppose it isn't a bad PR legacy, making history's greatest monster look like a twat.
SANDRA
That and the Can-O-Curd.
BLACK OUT
INT. THE OFFICE.
Sandra and Adrian have just debriefed Aubrey and Justin.
AUBREY
So, in essence, no artistic treasures?
SANDRA
And that's what you think is most significant about this whole affair is it? We may have been instrumental in forming the philosophy of two of the most evil men in recorded history!
AUBREY
Well, it certainly makes your reactions to the Umbongo incident seem a little excessive.
SANDRA
Fantastic. Now you're going to get sanctimonious about ONLY being responsible for the deaths of dozens.
AUBREY
But this has given me an idea. Maybe we could go though history righting some wrongs. Making things better and – of course- making a profit at the same time.
ADRIAN
Ah! The PR way: truth, justice and a healthy profit.
AUBREY
And I've even got an idea for our first project. What do you think history would be like if Ghandi hadn't been such a bloodthirsty brigand eh?
Sandra is exasperated.
SANDRA
Oh for F...
ADRIAN
Look, the chances are we can't change history. We probably did no harm. It was only one night, after all.
SANDRA
What I don't understand is how they turned out like they did. They both seemed so nice, not a bad word for anyone.
BLACK OUT
The lights come up. Addy is alone on the stage reading Justin's Daily Mail.
BLACK OUT
END OF PART THE SECOND
