Watson's Wind Up - oneliners & short sketches. Page 19

Gregor, I liked the way you linked the execution with Jedward, nice work.

Gazza, the pick for me was the golf course sniper, very clever.

I've gone with:

Kenny Miller is celebrating the birth of his first child. In a twist to the fashionable norm, Miller has named his daughter after where he was when she was born. Her name is 'Behind Celtic'.

A cocaine dealer has been caught peddling the drug to VIP guests at Clyde FC. The chairman has asked for any witnesses to drop him a line.

Prisoners are using Rice Krispies to out-smart guards searching for illegal mobile phones. Snap is creating a diversion by shanking Crackle in the showers.

Paul McCartney has spoken out after support for the BNP grew in yesterday's Glasgow North East by-election. McCartney said "hate days are weak".

Two polar bears are to be brought in to the Highland Wildlife Park in the hope that they'll produce cubs. If successful, they'll progress to the scouts.

Gordon Brown misspelt the word 'Jamie' in a letter to the mother of a deceased serviceman. Brown blamed it on a dodgy 'I'.

Robert Carlyle has called on cinema chains to set up dedicated British screens. The current screens are mostly apathetic.

Mark Owen has tied the knot in Scotland. The reception was notable for the presence of two woeful bands.

More than two-thirds of people would back a change in the law to legalise euthanasia. Gordon Ramsay is supporting the campaign for assisted suicide - we should all give him a hand.

Researchers believe that tomatoes can play a key role in preventing heart disease, although their opinion is not uncontested. "Tomatoes should be left alone," said my source.

An Ayrshire ice cream maker has been crowned champion of champions in the national awards for the industry. He's going to party like it was '99.

The senior management of BBC Scotland earn more than £1 million a year. That's almost as much as the radio talent.

A man has been jailed for posting indecent images on trees. His defence was that he was a bill poster for Susan Boyle's record company.

Cheers. I liked the Jedward one as well.

I struggled to think of anything for the Mark Owen story, but yours is funny Gerry.

Gregor - liked the Morrisey, C-diff gags
Gazza - Acorah must have a chance
Gerry - faves were K Miller and '99

This week's howlers:

Following the Falkirk-Celtic Remembrance Sunday draw, Tony Mowbray says the Celtic back-four couldn't remember how to defend.

Research suggests that Monday is the most likely day for leave of absence, while Scotrail reported full employment on Mondays due to the absence of leaves.

Lloyds bank has demanded that Rangers introduce product-placement to boost income and should change their motto from 'Aye, ready' to 'Aye, KEA'.

Tony Mowbray has blamed the Falkirk draw on Celtic's bumble-bee strip, with players distracted by the large number of poppies on show.

Cadburys has vowed to fight–off a hostile bid from US food company Kraft and insist that it won't be bought for buttons.

Gordon Brown has vowed to improve his letter-writing skills by spending more time at Chequers.

Compost made from thousands of floral tributes to the late Sir Bobby Robson has been snapped up by the Celtic board, prompting speculation that Tony Mowbray will soon be on Gardening leave.

UK unemployment figures reached new levels this week following the resignation of 1200 government scientific advisors.

A Strathclyde police crackdown on lethal weapons has recovered 300 knives, 100 machetes, 10 samurai swords and 4 MacLaren pushchairs.

Gordon Brown has written to Labour MPs reminding them of all the good work being done in his Fifa constituency.

Genuine lol at the FIFA constituency Tam Top class as always.

I was feeling adventurous this week; I also sent off a short sketch:

MAN 1:
Have you heard about this new plan to bring in drunk tanks to ease the strain on the emergency services?

MAN 2:
Aye, but they're not needed; there's already a cure for the hangover.

MAN 1:
How does it work?

MAN 2:
It's a tablet that gives beer drinkers the 'hair of the dog' and sobers them up immediately.

MAN 1:
I've never heard of it. Why's it not on the market?

MAN 2:
It's all political; the breweries are dead against it. It's a bitter pill to swallow.

I liked the pushchairs one, but Fifa also clever

Some excellent stuff guys! I don't have the one-liners I sent on this computer but will post them later - My personal favourite was probably unusable though...

It emerged this week that BNP Führer Nick Griffin is no fan of Scottish literature. He's particularly not fond of "The Broons".

Not especially happy about my efforts this week (some of them need a fair bit of pruning), found it a bit of a struggle but it's always a good writing exercise.

Samantha Fox has announced that she's one of the contestants for the new series of "I'm a celebrity get me out of here", saying that very little frightens here apart from "creepy, crawly, wriggly, horrible things" but hopefully she won't have to spent too much time with Ant and Dec.

It has been announced that sales of flatscreen TVs have trebled in the last three years and this has been linked to the rise in obesity, it's thought that people are buying the new tellys as they take up less room and allow them to get even fatter.

It's been revealed that over 30,000 people still watch Black and White televisions, including Nick Griffin, although his has been modified to be white only.

A report into Scottish alcohol related disorder problems has suggested that "Drunk tanks" should be introduced to relieve pressure on the NHS and Police, however opposers of the scheme have suggested that the use of armoured vehicles is over-the-top.

A group of Edinburgh army wives are the latest to strip off for a charity calendar, a spokesman said that the pictures showed that the troops had ample access to bazookas and would help men on active service train in the use of booby traps.

Miss Scotland, Katherine Brown, has revealed that tennis ace Andy Murray is supporting her bid to become Miss World after the beauty admitted that during Wimbledon she'd helped him to reach a semi.

Plans for a 40 metre big wheel at Aberdeen's Castlegate over the Christmas period have been shelved after the owners of the London Eye objected to it being called the Aberdeen Och-Eye.

After Sting slated "X Factor" for being "TV karaoke" and that Simon Cowell has no discernible talent apart from self promotion, it's been revealed that Oxford University have offered the Police lead singer an Honourary Doctorate in Stating the Bleeding Obvious.

According to new figures, Wildlife Crimes in Scotland have nearly trebled in the past decade, the Government have pledged to crack down on this by outlawing foxes from wearing hoodies, introducing curfews for badgers and tagging persistent weasel offenders.

New plans have emerged which will mean that East Coast Line trains will no longer terminate at Glasgow but in Edinburgh after it was finally revealed by a school boy with an Atlas that Glasgow is not on the East Coast.

The Scottish health board who are under fire for not revealing the outbreak of Clostridium Difficile which has killed 5 people, admitted that they had not alerted anyone as no-one could spell it.

Bosses at Johnny Walker have admitted that they used cream cakes to try to bribe workers into doing over-time saying that they realised it was naughty...but nice.

Plans to invite the Old Firm to play in a second English Premier League are due to be discussed in London, the cash strapped pair will play alongside English teams in similar financial difficulites in a league called the Barclay's Receivership.

Rangers are expecting to face heavy fines after the disgraceful scenes in Bucharest last week, a UEFA spokesman explained that it was inhumane of the Glasgow giants to field David Weir, a pensioner, in a top class European match.

A Scottish airline who've been asked to fly 6 children to school on a different island in the Orkney's have complained that the two-minute flight barely allows them to go over the safety information and allows them no time to sell the youngsters duty-free.

A spokesman at the MoD has denied accusations of incompetence and mis-management after a call for more choppers to be deployed to Afghanistan resulted in a consignment of 1970's Rayleigh Choppers being delivered to Camp Bastion.

There have been further accusations when it was revealed that there was a typo on the Eurofighter Typhoon order and £2 billion was spent on Typhoo teabags for the RAF.

A spokesman for the NHS has waded into the row over Gordon Brown's condelence letter and said that with his tactlessness, poor spelling and illegible writing that if he loses the next election he can always get a job as a GP.

MPs this week have been accused of hypocrisy for critisising the computer game "Modern Warfare 2" for 'promoting war' and informed that that's Gordon Brown's job.

I sent in a similar sketch to that pushchair gag where a policeman confiscates a pushchair from a single mother as it's an offensive weapon. "You could have someone's fingers off with that."

I sent in mostly short sketches.

In fact the only one-liner I submitted was:

"The Scottish unemployed are slowly rising. Sometimes they don't get out of bed until midday."

Miss Scotland would go down well. So to speak.

I couldn't think of anything this week. Maybe it was the weather (grey and cold), Brown and the Sun seeming to dominate everything, or I'm just lazy. But I can see some people haven't had the same problem so better work harder next week.

Here's one about I did about Jedward last week (there's going to loads every week until they get voted off). I think it's alright but still not sure if I should have put it differently.

In an effort to boost New Labour's poll ratings, the Miliband brothers - David and Ed - are going to form their own version of Jedward. Like the twins, they have no talent, both look odd, nobody can vote them out and are going to call themselves Dedward.

I think it might have been better if you'd cut off the "and are going to call themselves Dedward" as Deward dosn't seem to refer to anything.

So it could be:

"In an effort to boost New Labour's poll ratings, the Miliband brothers are going to form their own version of Jedward. Like the twins, they have no talent, both look odd and nobody can vote them out."

or maybe the last bit could be:

"...and nobody can vote them out, no matter how shit they are."

But what do I know? I only seem to be able to get sketches on the show.

I thought the Ms World joke was a belter.
On a similar ohh err Missus sort of vibe:

Colin and Justin have confirmed they will be taking part in the new Series of "I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here".
Colin almost had to cancel as he required stitches after banging his head before he was due to fly out to Australia.
ITV bosses hope that during the series, there will be no more "Cock- Ups".

I quite like the Dedward bit but it is difficult to fit it in. Anyway, I bow down to someone who can get sketches on the show.

Hello All

Very impressed with Tony's output. He was spot on with the airline flight for schoolkids which was too short to sell them duty free. On a related theme I submitted: "Following reports that Primary School Children have been caught drinking, the Scottish Education Minister has pledged to reduce glass-sizes"

Welcome all you new people to tis site and good luck.

And... stop bowing down.