Sample From My Sitcom

OK, since I asked for a feedback/critique forum, I better put my money where my mouth is and set the ball rolling (oh the cliches!)

Here's a sample from my sitcom based around the lives of the people working in a Christian/Religious Paraphernalia shop.

Note: The formatting will not be the standard for a TV script as it's been pasted into here.

Enjoy!

2. INT. SHOP FLOOR - LATER

MATTHEW AND LOUISE ARE PUTTING OUT STOCK ON THE CLOTHING AND JEWELLERY DEPARTMENT. SUNDEEP WANDERS OVER.

SUNDEEP
Good morning Mr. Matthew

MATTHEW
Hi, how’s it going?

SUNDEEP
Not too good, I got another customer complaint yesterday.

MATTHEW
What for?

SUNDEEP
She wanted a size 16 in a dress so I go out back to find one. There were none left, but instead of coming back with nothing I decided to come back with something.

MATTHEW
When you say something, what do you mean?

SUNDEEP
I came back with two size 8. Surely it is the same thing?

MATTHEW WINCES

MATTHEW
She complained because of that?

SUNDEEP
No. She was slightly annoyed at me and asked what she should do if we haven’t got any more size 16.

MATTHEW SHAKES HIS HEAD

MATTHEW
And what did you say?

SUNDEEP
Lose some weight.

MATTHEW
Do you see where you went wrong?

SUNDEEP
What? I gave her some advice, maybe she should stop eating at all those quick food restaurants.

MATTHEW
You mean fast food restaurants?

SUNDEEP
Yes, like the ones that are made by that tyre company.

MATTHEW IS BEWILDERED

MATTHEW
You mean Michelin?

SUNDEEP NODS, LOUISE BUTTS IN

LOUISE
That always puzzled me, how can they make tyres and rate food.

MATTHEW
Maybe they rate the food in terms of its rubber-like qualities. McDonalds would get quite a few stars that way.

LOUISE
And how can the people who rate hotels also be a car breakdown service?

MATTHEW
You mean the AA?

LOUISE
Yeah, cos surely that promotes drink driving.

MATTHEW IS AGAIN BEMUSED

MATTHEW
You’re thinking of alcoholics anonymous.

LOUISE
Anonymous? So they don’t even know who’s helping them with their car?

MATTHEW GROANS WITH DESPAIR

The Matthew-Sundeep exhange is very funny. The bewildering scene suceeded in bewidering me. It made me think too much, not laugh.

Thanks, Rick.

Yeah, I'll have to make that scene a bit more clear.

That scene's really good.

Yeah, very good. Risking a bit of legal from McDonald's though! Hehe!

Kirk, are the characters (other than Matthew) always this dimwitted? If so, I could see it becoming annoying quite quickly - e.g. it's pushing it to expect the viewer to accept a character who confuses the AA with alcoholics anonymous. I'm also not sure about the Asian character calling Matthew Mr Matthew - is that realistic in this day and age? It reminds me of something you would find in a '70s sitcom.

The continuously "dim-witted" character works fine in dinnerladies...

I hated dinnerladies. Just wanted to put the point to Kirk rather than get involved in a conversation about dimwitted characters in sitcoms.

Haha, fair enough. It wasn't the greatest show.

But yes, true that having a main character as constantly dimwitted like that would just get plain old. Something which works, but only in careful moderation I guess.

It's hard to judge from one scene but it seems that the show revolves around Matthew sighing and groaning as Sundeep and Louise make a string of dumb remarks. dinnerladies, for all its faults, had more to it than that - there was a dimwit but that person was one of a large cast of characters. Here, it appears that two out of the three main characters are morons which would soon grate IMHO.

Thanks for the feedback, Thomps.

The characters aren't always this dimwitted but it does play a role in the sitcom. I wanted to give Louise a heightened or extreme sense of ignorance so that she reflects the naivety of the modern day teenager (she's based on someone I know). Sundeep's role is a bit different - it's about him coming to terms with the British way of living. Although, I am aware that sometimes it may cross into the dirty depths of xenophobia - it is in fact based on real life experiences and not intended to be too offensive.

Yeah, it is hard to judge the direction of the sitcom from this small snippet - I don't intend for it to revolve around the groans and sighs of Matthew... although that does play a part (in a similar sense that in 'Coupling' Steve is forever groaning at the escapades of Jeff).

If I have time I may put the first two episodes up on a blog site and direct a link to there, so that you lovely people can have a gander.

We'll look forward to it.

I thought it good, Kirk. The only suggestion i'd give is end the Sundeep line about the 2 size 8 dresses at that point. The 'surely that's the same thing' phrase is tautology and the viewer / reader will already have got the joke. If they haven't then they're probably watching the Men and Motors channel anyway.

Good idea

Thanks for the feedback.

You guys should post some of your work up here. From what I've read on your site, it's good stuff.

May I ask why this post is pinned? I don't mind, was just curios