Watson's Wind Up - oneliners & short sketches. Page 18

To who wanted the list of writers:

(apologies if names are spelt wrong. It was the Sottish accent.)

Ricky Brown, Robin Mitchell, Dan Semble ?, Simone Sless ?, Paul Donague, Rab Cristie, Gareth Tuffy ?, Tony Kellons ?, Michael Day, Niall Clark, Nick Hallam, Andy Bolam, Wes Fargo.

The iPlayer actually cut out just after the name Andy Bolam was read out, so I don't know who else (if any) were mentioned.
I added Wes Fargo as he is always listed at the end.

I too never heard that Paul McCartney was converting.
Methinks it was a contrived gag.

Disappointing if that is a made up gag. It's a belter, but it stuck out like a sore thumb on a topical show.

A similar McCartney gag was used years ago, possibly on Watson's Wind Up.
Something like "President George W Bush has refused to see Paul McCartney because of his links with Mullah Kintyre"

Apparently I had a gag on there (I could well be "Tony Kellons"!) but haven't had a chance to listen to it yet.

First joke I've had on the radio not told by me.

Well done Tony - I think it was the mint sauce gag wot dunnit.

Tam

Hate to sound mercenary, but do contributor's to 'Watson's Wind Up' get paid?

But not hugely.

I could well be "Tony Kellons"!

oops, sorry. It's that Scottish accent of the guy reading out the names.

Bit gutted. They used a transsexual Jesus joke which was almost word for word the same as mine, but someone had thought of it first. Hey ho. The cut and thrust of comedy eh?

Quote: theboygazza @ November 9 2009, 12:22 PM GMT

Bit gutted. They used a transsexual Jesus joke which was almost word for word the same as mine, but someone had thought of it first. Hey ho. The cut and thrust of comedy eh?

View original

I remember hearing the gag and thinking you were in Gazza. Very, very unlucky.

Got a nice commiseration email from Philip though. On to this week!

for what its work my transexual Jesus joke was something like ...

"A glasgow play with a transexual Jesus has attracted critics. Protestors are saying that just because Jesus had a crucifix, it doesn't make him a cross dresser."

which ... made me chuckle, despite the built in flaw (transsexualism vs transvestism). A more accurate version would be.
"A glasgow play with a transexual Jesus has attracted critics. Protestors are saying that Jesus wasn't a transsexual but was more likely a transvestite. Or at the very least a cross dresser."
But I figured there was no way they would broadcast that.

It's frustrating when you get almost all the way there with a joke but you can't quite make it fit. You almost feel like ringing the paper up to ask them to change it to suit.

Fresh bile from the vile...

Morrissey stormed off stage in Liverpool after being hit by a pint glass – leaving with the refrain: "Hang the barman, Hang the barman, Hang the barman".

George Burley says Darren Fletcher would walk into the England midfield but also conceded Ironside would walk into that England team.

The Washington Sniper was executed live on US TV this week. I wanted to watch it, but Sky Box Office were charging £15. His final statement was blunt: "It should have been Jedward."
He was given a lethal injection and took 6 minutes to die. As an extra punitive measure, a letter of condolence was sent to the condemned man's family - handwritten by Gordon Brown.

Gordon Brown's press office say his bad eyesight is responsible for the poorly written letter of condolence. Another Scottish case of C-Difficile.

A group of Scots Island children have to make a plane journey to school on a neighbouring island. There were six pupils, but last week one lad got up late, missed the flight and had to walk. He got wet.

The current Miss Scotland has revealed she was being supported by Andy Murray – I've seen her in profile and, boy, does she need support! She plans to return the favour and can't wait to experience Murray Mount.

Former Scotland captain Colin Hendry is to join Katie Price in the next series of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Hopefully he'll be kept entertained by those two enormous tits... Ant n'Dec.

A group of Edinburgh Army wives have posed nude for a charity calendar – thankfully minus their husbands' weapons.

Prisoners at HMP Adiewell have been sprinkling Rice Krispies outside their cells to alert them when guards are approaching. The ruse was exposed when one con used porridge by mistake.

Calls for city centres to provide 'drunk tanks' to help the emergency services have been dismissed – council leaders say it'll take more than Susan Boyle and a bottle of Buckie to solve the problem.

The BBC denies taking its position as an equal opportunities employer too far amid rumours that the new Dr. Who has learning difficulties, time travelling in the Retardis.

An Inverness shopkeeper this week told an armed robber he was a "stupid boy" for raiding her shop. She also asked the boy: "Is this a joke?" She has now been seconded by Gordon Brown to run his new Tact and Diplomacy Department.

Woman: I see that Alex Salmond has been caught giving freebies to his dentist.

Man: Aye. Apparently it was all a mix up. The dentist told Salmond he needed to start using sweeteners.

A Scottish golf club has hired snipers to shoot foxes that dig up the course. One of the snipers was delighted to get a hole in one.

Customer services staff at Hewlett Packard in Liverpool this week won £45 million in a EuroMillions syndicate. When we tried to contact them this week, a message said: "You are currently sixth in the queue. Your call means sod all to us. We've gone to the pub."

A 10 year old boy this week pulled the plug on an aquaduct in north Wales, draining millions of litres of water so it could be maintained. His mum said: "It's a shame he doesn't do the same on the bath at home after he's bloody finished with it."

Actor Robert Carlyle picked up a Scottish BAFTA this week, then said he doubted if he'd ever work here again. One jobseeker in Glasgow commented: "I know how you feel, pal."

Woman: Did you see that psychic Derek Acorah was swearing at passengers on a plane this week? He said he had too much to drink.

Man: Typical of him – blaming everything on the spirits.

Woman: Apple iPhone helpline how can I help?

Man: Err hello, I've got that Rick Astley virus on my phone. You know, the one that puts his picture on the screen. I'm worried it might cause harm.

Woman: Oh don't worry sir, the virus doesn't infect your files.

Man: No, it's not that. If my mates see his mug on there they might beat the crap out of me.