I'm not sure if this has been done before. I don't know what people will make of it. but it's mostly just for fun.
MR SEEN XMAS SPECIAL
RADIO SKETCH
FX: CHRISTMAS BELLS RING
MR SEEN
(YAWNING) Aaah! Oh brilliant, Christmas! I'm so excited I've got to run back and forth in front of my bed.
FX: SOUND OF THUDDING ON FLOOR BOARDS
MR SEEN
Hello, Teddy, Merry Christmas! Right, I'm going to pick you up now. I'm going to put you to my ear and pretend you said Merry Christmas to me. Merry Christmas? Why thank you teddy! Oooh, what's this? I'm just getting a very small stocking down off the mantelpiece. Who could it possibly be for? It's for you Teddy, you must've guessed.
FX: SLEIGH BELLS
MR SEEN
What has Santa Claus brought you this year, Teddy? I'm just taking a little metal box out of the sock and now I'm opening it. Wow! He left you a new eye, well, it's actually just a button but to you it's an eye, because you're Teddy. Here we go, I'm just putting it on you. (MR SEEN IN MUFFLED VOICE) OWWW! Don't be silly Teddy you haven't got any feelings. Dum, de, dum, de, dum, let's see if the eye works. I'm holding up three fingers, so how many fingers am I holding up Teddy? (MR SEEN IN MUFFLED VOICE) Three. Well done, Teddy!
FX: CLOCK CHIMES, MORE SLEIGH BELLS.
MR SEEN
Now it's Mr Seen's turn. I wonder what Santa has put in my sock. Dum, de, dum, de, dum, Ooh, another sock, what a lovely surprise! A pair of Christmas socks. Now I'm going to walk over to the mouse hole because I think, well I know, that Santa has also left the mouse something.
FX: CREAKING OF FLOOR BOARDS AS MR SEEN WALKS TO THE MOUSE HOLE.
MR SEEN
Hello, Mr Mouse, what has Santa left you? I'm taking out a piece of cheese from the sock. Ooh, a piece of cheese Mr Mouse, right, well, that's going straight on to this mouse trap I've got.
FX: SOUND OF PULLING MOUSE TRAP BACK.
CUT TO: FX: SOUND OF RUSTLING.
MR SEEN
I've got a Christmas cracker with me. I'm looking at it. 'BOOM'. I'll save the real explosion for later, so I'm putting it down on the table, which I have laid for my girlfriend and myself with all manner of Christmas themed items. I'd better check my watch, the time's getting on. Whoa! Is that the time? I'd better get the dinner ready.
FX: CREAKING OF FLOOR BOARDS, THEN STICKING TO LINOLEUM AS HE WALKS.
MR SEEN
Right, let's get this oven on.
FX: CLICKING OF OVEN; EXTRACTOR FAN.
MR SEEN
I'd better move this giant turkey now. Heave! Cor, this is really massive, so big it almost doesn't look real. The time's getting on now so I'm going to stuff this bird.
FX: SCHLOOPING NOISES.
MR SEEN
One handful (SCHLOOP), two handfuls (SCHLOOP), three handfuls (SCHLOOP). Hang on, now I've taken my hand out again, my watch is missing. It must still be in this gigantic turkey. I'd better get a torch to see inside, as it is just so immensely cavernous.
FX: SOUND OF OPENING AND SLAMMING OF CUTLERY DRAWER.
MR SEEN
Right, ho hum, I'm looking inside and I just can't see it. I'd better put this torch down and look really, really closely. (MUFFLED VOICE) Oops, I've looked so closely my head is now inside the turkey, Oh God and now I can't seem to get it out.
FX: CRASHING OF CROCKERY.
MR SEEN
Oh sod it; I think I've just smashed some of my china.
FX: METAL CLATTERING.
MR SEEN
..and that's probably the sound of me knocking in to the sauce pans because I'm falling about the place as I have a gigantic turkey on my head and can't see where I'm going.
FX: DOORBELL; MORE CLATTERING
GIRLFRIEND
Hello, is everything ok in there Mr Seen?
MR SEEN
(MUFFLED VOICE) Yes, I'm fine. Right, I can't let her see me with this on my head because it's meant to be our dinner and she really won't be impressed. Oo, I'm going to put a towel over the turkey so it looks like I'm drying my hair. Here we go.
FX: OPENING OF DOOR.
GIRLFRIEND
Hello Mr Seen. Washing your hair are you?
MR SEEN
Oh, uhm, yes. Just come in and take a seat, take your jacket off...if you're wearing one. I can't tell, you see, because I have a towel on my head but nothing else.
GIRLFRIEND
I'm just surreptitiously putting some mistletoe on your lampshade so that we can kiss when you take that towel off. I can't smell anything cooking, have you got the turkey on?
MR SEEN
Yes. But it's on my head.
END SKETCH
... and Sean Bean)