Watson's Wind Up - oneliners & short sketches. Page 16

Just sent this batch.

First Manchester and now Bucharest... at least Rangers fans have the decency to riot in cities where they can't do much damage.

The government advisor on the misuse of drugs was sacked this week for claiming cannabis is less harmful than cigarettes or alcohol. Speaking from his crack den, Professor Nutt was defiant: "Pass the dutchie on the left hand side..."

A drunk student pictured urinating on a war memorial could face jail. His lawyer claims he was just watering the poppies.

Bookies are giving odds of 33/1 that Rooney's new-born son, Kai, will play for Manchester United. If he ends up with his daddy's looks and his mother's footballing ability there'll always be a place for him at Rangers' Academy.

Studies reveal that one person is assaulted on Lothian Buses every week. Even the drivers give him slap.

A monkey which escaped from Edinburgh Zoo was captured on the roof of a hotel. There have been similar reports in Glasgow where an apelike figure is seen jumping up and down, struggling to entertain thousands every week. If it carries on, Tony Mowbray will earn himself a touchline ban. Or a tranquiliser dart.

Stephen Fry threatened to quit Twitter after one of his followers called his tweet updates 'boring'. Fry has since calmed down, admitting that 'boring arse' is practically his middle name.

Police have issued an image of what Madeleine McCann might look like now. Gerry & Kate consulted photo artists, aging experts, and Gok Wan on How To Look Good Dead.

Road chiefs were left red-faced after mis-spelling Hawick on signs in the Border town – renaming it Harwick. A shocking mistake, as most council members usually can't find their arse with both hands...

An Aberdeen fan dressed as a sheep was set on fire on a train from Edinburgh. The attackers filmed it on their mobile phones, uploading the footage onto Ewetube.
Passengers tried to douse the flames by pouring beer on the young lad. Ridiculous - everyone knows it's red wine with lamb.

I really like the 'Aberdeen sheep man' gags Gregor; the second one must stand a chance of making the cut. (Thanks Badge )

I'll happily lay 500/1 about the McCann gag getting through though.

500-1? I beg to differ

I don't know the state of the sheep fire victim - if he is okay they might stand a chance because they are the pick of the bunch.* With the Maddie one, you haven't been offered anything like long enough odds - that is never going to appear on radio, and you might be better off self-editing your submissions first because it's a waste of time for a reader to go through something they can never use. That isn't going to endear you to them.

Your first gag about Rangers fans rioting had a lot going for it but I wonder if it's the wrong way around? Rioting fans first, then the cities, and add a rule-of-three made-up one to finish it off.

*EDIT - though Ewetube only really works in print

Quote: Badge @ November 5 2009, 1:46 AM GMT

With the Maddie one, you haven't been offered anything like long enough odds - that is never going to appear on radio, and you might be better off self-editing your submissions first because it's a waste of time for a reader to go through something they can never use. That isn't going to endear you to them.

View original

Like they're ever going to use my stuff anyway...

I did smile at this one, imagining Jimmy Carr saying it:

"Passengers tried to douse the flames by pouring beer on the young lad. Ridiculous - everyone knows it's red wine with lamb."

Quote: Mikey Jackson @ November 5 2009, 2:15 AM GMT

I did smile at this one, imagining Jimmy Carr saying it:

"Passengers tried to douse the flames by pouring beer on the young lad. Ridiculous - everyone knows it's red wine with lamb."

View original

Nice one Mikey.

Out of interest, what was the 'edgy' Gately gag which didn't make the cut?

Another vote for the lamb gag (and your two Rangers gags were very strong too). As I'm sure you now know, the Maddie gag is wrong, wrong wrong....

I'm playing again:

In the news this week: Britain's Armed Forces have suffered the bloodiest year of action since the Falklands. But first our top story: a resolution has finally been reached in the Stephen Fry Twitter row.

Christian protesters have demonstrated against a play that portrays Jesus as a transsexual woman. "It can't be definitively proved that Jesus wasn't a woman," said the play's director, "without looking at his phone bill."

A man armed only with a metal detector has discovered a haul worth over £1million. He found 100,000 copies of AC/DC's Greatest Hits.

Ally McCoist hopes to manage Rangers if Walter Smith steps down when his contract expires in January. McCoist has arranged an interview with the bank manager.

It's estimated that £250m is wasted every year by not recycling rubbish. This is terrible news for the environment, but a blessing for Georgie Samaras.

Flash floods have wreaked havoc in Scotland. One eyewitness claimed "they were running amok with their sunglasses and iphones."

Scottish butchers believe that the 'square sausage' should be protected, as it feels threatened by triangular bacon.

Wayne Rooney has chosen a Scottish name for his baby. He named him, 'Our Kai, the new'.

Ministers have agreed to clamp down on tobacco sales to kids. Children will now have to find an alternative way to relax after sex.

A pensioner has appeared in court after scaring two kids with a firearm. Nobody has been this repulsed by an old man's weapon since Catherine Zeta Jones.

Rebecca Adlington believes that the BBC have took it easy on Bankie Froyle. Sorry, that's a spoonerism.

A flasher has exposed himself to two young teenagers in Glasgow. The teenagers wish to remain anonymous, as they don't appreciate the exposure.

A council has been slammed for dishing out 1,500 miniature portable waste management devices to promote recycling. A critic said, "It's wheely bin a waste of money."

It's been revealed that a Scot has used a social networking site for prostitution. The girl who specialised in roleplay has now been kicked off Twitter, for using more than 140 characters.

Congrats Mikey on last weeks MJ gag - it worked very well. Like to see the edgy Gately gag too.

Gregor - Ewe-tube and red wine lamb must have a chance.
Gerry - good guffaw at Jesus, child fags and Fry twitter must be in with a shout.

This week's nonsense:

The Somali pirates holding two British hostages have described as 'insulting' an offer from the UK Government of £100 plus Rangers FC.

Strathclyde Police foiled a paedophile ring this week and vowed to extend Operation Algebra to capture other vulgar factions.

Tina Turner is to help Rangers out by asking concertgoers for donations during her Simply In Debt tour.

Rangers say have received an offer for the club from an African millionaire, not the Cape-Town crusader Dave King, but a Somali pirate called King Dave.

Stephen Fry quit Twitter this week because of criticism that his tweets were dull. The lanky actor will now communicate via the social networking rival Bebore.

A report in the Financial Times claims the SPL is in rude health and awash with money. A spokesman for the SPL, the Somali Pirates League, agreed.

X-Factor starlets John and Edward say they will refuse their cousin Bobby's proposal to re-form the Dead Kennedys.

The Government has announced it will create 3-new high-street banks, each with 3-new high-steel balls outside as a logo.

Scots are twice as likely to die in fires than people living in the rest of the UK. Especially vulnerable are the frail, the elderly and Aberdeen supporters dressed as sheep.

Following the news that consuming processed foods can lead to depression, cannabis will be downgraded to a class C drug while a canabeans will move up to class A.

X-Factor judge Simon Cowell denies calling Cheryl Cole the Geordie model with the sordid yodel.

London's first female Beefeater has charged male colleagues with sexual harassment. The woman accused male beefeaters of having a blue tongue while the males said she was a mad cow.

Rupert Murdoch says he owns the naming rights to the Premier League and wishes to change the name of Wayne Rooney's new baby from Kai to Skai.

Doctors who delivered Kai Rooney say it was an extremely difficult procedure as the baby's ears became wedged in the uterus.

The newly formed Scottish Crime Intelligence Unit say they will crack down on violent Scottish thugs with their No.1 target being Celtic's Stephen McManus.

I'm John McKay, and thanks to Wayne Rooney for naming his boy after me.

Love the beans gag - spot on.

Some great stuff guys. Best of luck to you all. Several top-notch Kai Rooney gags amongst it, all of which deserve a shout. Ewetube is two great gags for the price of one, just a pity that the first one probably won't be fully appreciated on a broadcast.

But given the show seems to feature something on this poor fella every week, I'm betting my left bollock that the following will see transmission no matter how the rest fare:

Quote: Tam-S @ November 5 2009, 12:30 PM GMT

I'm John McKay, and thanks to Wayne Rooney for naming his boy after me.

View original

Hello all,

Some great gags in the running this week! I'm a long-time lurker on the boards but I believe this may be my very first post. To mark the occasion, below is my inaugural submission to Watson's Wind-Up...

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Rebecca Adlington reckons the BBC hasn't taken strong enough action against "Mock the Week" for the jokes they made at her expense. That's just her being nosey.

Following a successful test flight for NASA's new space rocket, Scotland tries to compete in the space race by strapping a firework to a cat.

A crackdown on organised crime by Strathclyde Police has garnered "£7.9m of drugs and a large amount of illegal firearms". A spokesman said they're optimistic of finding more still when they've finished in Greenock.

Experts reckon that childhood obesity levels could be "levelling off". Apparently kids are now so fat they've reached a plateau where if they get any bigger they'll implode like a dying star.

BNP Führer Nick Griffin was recently up canvassing for the Glasgow North East by-election, and stated on the record once again that he is NOT a Holocaust denier. He was keen to stress that he's a huge supporter of the Holocaust.

It's Haye vs Valuev this weekend, David vs Goliath. It looks a bigger mismatch than Marlon King's last fight.

To address a lack of activities for their elderly residents, staff at a care home in Huntly have this week decided to encourage swimming.

Arriva trains have this week added a new dish to the catering service aboard their Edinburgh-Aberdeen service – Roast lamb.

Usain Bolt has adopted a cheetah, but might have to take it back. When he takes it out for walks it can't keep up.

Kai Rooney was born this week, nine days after his due date. Wayne and Colleen were quick to blame Royal Mail for the late delivery.
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Welcome Brian,

The firework cat is a belter.

Tam

Out of interest, what was the 'edgy' Gately gag which didn't make the cut?

Okay, here it is.
It doesn't seem that edgy now, but at the time of his death, they said it was too offensive to get away with.

"It's all go in the music biz. X Factor's Alexandra Burke has released her new single, Robbie Williams has released a new album and Stephen Gately has been released from the morgue."

Just like everybody else, I did a Rooney gag too:

"Wayne and Coleen Rooney's new baby Kai was born earlier this week and is now at home with his parents.
He has tiny eyes, fat little legs, a screwed up face and is very doing well.
The baby is also fine."