Howdy folks. The following are a few gags that haven't made my set. Please feel free to confirm my decision...
1. We used to have a cat – I named it 'Owwwwww' so it'd never forget who it was.
2. Aygo by Toyota. That's subliminal advertising if ever I heard it.
3. Sometimes I like to colour my lawn. Anyway, I dye grass...
4. My uncle Alan was an artist. He would paint himself white then just stand at the end of a football field for 90 minutes. He was the last of the great post-impressionists.
5. I was kidnapped by a bunch of Microsoft Games employees. I tell you it's torture that solitaire confinement.
6. I've got a joke about magnesium, but it's a slow-burner.
7. A long time ago I studied classics, you know. Half of it involves learning, and the rest, well, the rest is history.
8. We made a list of things that annoy us about eachother. I said 'poor vocabulary'. She said 'he suffocates me'. I said 'No love, asphyxiates'.
9. What? My dad always told me a gag was the perfect way to get a woman to do what you want.
10. She said she wanted to see other people. It was hard, but eventually I let her out of the cellar.
11. She said she wanted me to speak to her in adult fashion. So I took off my romper suit and sat down.
12. I was out the other night with my girlfriend with her friends and she turned to me and said 'oh will you be nice to my friends tonight?' I looked at her, and then I went... yeah, I just went.
13. I went round to my grandparents the other day – they were writing shit on the wallpaper and chucking food everywhere, so I told em, I said 'act your age will you!' Anyway, I went round the day after and found Grandad with his knob in grandma's mouth whilst he was feastin' on her quim. I wish someone had told me theyd just turned 69.
14. I hate those charity people. My mate decided to run around the world for AIDS. I don't know why he doesn't just go down to Hampstead Heath after dark.
15. Anyone else like chubby girls here? All I do, right, to get a fat girl to remove her clothes is a Ginsters. I like to undress them with my pies.
Ta very much.
