any comments would be great. thanks.
TONY SITS HUNCHED IN FRONT OF A DESK. HE IS HOLDING A MOBILE PHONE, ON THE WALL IN FRONT OF HIM HANGS A LARGE PORTRAIT OF HIM AND HIS GIRLFRIEND. IT IS OBVIOUS FROM HIS SURROUNDINGS AND DEMEANOR THAT THEY HAVE SINCE SPLIT UP. ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF HIM LAYS AN OPEN MAGAZINE. WE SEE AN ADVERT FOR A SEX CHAT PHONE LINE. THE THEME OF THE ADVERT IS A REGRETFUL EX-GIRLFRIEND.
HE FUMBLES WITH THE KEY PAD AND THEN ENGAGES SPEAKER PHONE.
VOICE: Hello and welcome to Red Hot Bitch Mouth. Get ready to fill up buckets.
Here at Red Hot Bitch Mouth we are dedicated to giving you satisfaction and a personal service that really makes you want to wank. To ensure we provide the right Bitch Mouth for you as quickly as possible please choose carefully from the following options...
For man on girl, press 1
For girl on girl, press 2
For man on man, press 3
For man on girl on girl, press 4
For girl on man on girl, press 5
For girl on girl on man, press 6
For man watching girl on man, press 7
For man on man on girl on girl on man, press 8
For man watching man on girl, press 9
For girl watching girl on girl, press 10
For man who secretly wants to be a girl watching girl on man, press 11
For man filming man who secretly wants to be a girl watching girl on man, press 12
For girl watching tape of man filming man who secretly wants to be a girl watching girl on man,
Whilst there's a badger in the room, press 13
For a combination... choose more than one
For dog sex... go and buy a dog
For ex-girlfriend realising that it was the biggest mistake of her life letting you go and would do anything to try again press *23795185387416845413131313*4545**4
TONY TRIES DESPERATELY TO TYPE IN THE NUMBERS.
VOICE: twice.
TONY TRIES TO RE-TYPE THE NUMBER.
VOICE: I told you. Go and buy a dog.
TONY THUMPS THE DESK WITH HIS FISTS AND BEGRUDGINGLY STANDS UP AND LEAVES THE ROOM TO RETRIEVE A PEN AND PAPER HE RETURNS TO THE CHAIR AND DIALS THE PHONE. LISTENING CAREFULLY HE WRITES DOWN THE NUMBERS.
VOICE: Twice.
TONY THEN RE-ENTERS THE NUMBER WITH SOME CARE.
VOICE: And maybe some number that doesn't exist and......a colour.........
............not really. There will now be a short pause while you are connected to our service.
Hello. To ensure our service really does get you in the balls please clearly state the places you would like you to utilise during your call at Red Hot Bitch Mouth. Please speak after the beep.
BEEP
TONY: err....erm.. Tits.
VOICE: I heard Shits. Press 1 to cancel
tony presses 1
VOICE: Please speak after the beep.
BEEP
TONY: Tits.
VOICE: I heard anal cavity. you want to touch bumhole? is this correct? press 1 to cancel.
tony presses 1
VOICE: Please speak after the beep.
BEEP
TONY: everywhere
VOICE: I heard lady bear You like to touch lady bears? Press 1 to cancel.
TONY PRESSES 1
VOICE: Freaky Lady Bear Cavity Touch Boy has gone all shy. Press 1 to cancel. Press 2 to speak to an operator press 3 to cry alone.
tony presses 2
OPERATOR: Hello Ellie speaking please bear with me. Right, you want the regretfull ex-girlfriend is that right?
TONY: Ermm yeah. yes please.
OPERATOR: Ok.. and you want to touch her arse with a lady bear is that right?
TONY: What? Where did.. God no that was a bit of mix up with the er...er the er computer voice. the erm the voice lady you know?
OPERATOR: Of course it happens quite often actually.
OPERATOR: Right then shall I just get on with it.
TONY: If you wouldn't mind. yes please.
OPERATOR: Ok what was her name ?
TONY: I'm sorry what?
OPERATOR: What's her name?
TONY: Who?
OPERATOR: This ex-girlfriend of yours. The one who dumped you.
TONY: She didn't dump me, it was a mutual thing.
OPERATOR: Of course it was sir.
TONY: It was.
OPERATOR: It's alright I believe you. It's just that some people who use this particular service like the girl to use the name of the ex-girlfriend. They find if helps give them closure.
TONY: Yeah well I don't need closure I need a wank and if you don't mind I'd like to get on with it. I've been quizzed by computers, labeled as a shit loving anal seeker by a digital receptionist and on the whole, not totally aroused by these self proclaimed "Red Hot Bitch Mouths". I understand you're not personally responsible for everything that happens but I should just like some filth please miss.
OPERATOR: Of course. I'll get on with it then. Ready?
TONY: Hang on..
A FAINT RUSTLING SOUND CAN BE HEARD
Ok ready.
OPERATOR: Please I need to see you. I miss you so much. We were good together though. No-one does the things you do. Honest. No really I mean it. Seriously please. Please. Just one more for old time's sake? Oh for f**k's sake you're not even listening. What's the point of me putting in all the effort if you're not even gonna try? You never used to be like this. You've changed.
TONY: Can you stick to the part where you miss me please?
OPERATOR: Sorry sir. Can you just hold me then. Hold me like you used to, we can just lay for a while, I miss your touch. Would you like to touch me like that again? You never touch me like that anymore. Unless you're pissed, Oh yeah after few pints you can't get enough, with the hands of an Octopus and the rigidity of a boar of soap left in a kettle.
TONY: Sorry but you seemed to have slipped back into "Don't like me" again.
OPERATOR: Don't try and change the subject. You can never talk about things can you?
TONY: Actually I'm just here for a wank.
OPERATOR: It's always about sex with you isn't it?
TONY: Well it is a sex based phone line.
OPERATOR: Only you could say that and still wonder why we're not getting on.
TONY: We're not together. I mean you do understand that don't you? You do remember that I'm paying for you to do what I want.
OPERATOR: Well if you can't even compromise then I think we should think about spending some time apart. Give each other some space.
TONY: Can you please just roll out the regret and keep your views on my emotional strengths and
weaknesses to yourself.
OPERATOR: Well I want more from life and you if you can't join me in it then I guess we're finished. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to go now Tony. Please......Don't call me again.
TONY SITS IN DISBELIEF AS THE PHONE LINE GOES DEAD. HE ZIPS UP HIS TROUSERS AND WALK INTO THE LOUNGE WHERE HIS FLATMATE IS WATCHING TELEVISION, HE TURNS TO SEE A FRUSTRATED LOOKING TONY.
BOB: Did the phone whore hang up on you again?
TONY: She didn't hang up on me.........It was a mutual thing.
