First attempt at a sitcom- thoughts welcome...

First of all apologies for the lack of formatting.

The central characters in this scene are Jonty- a brash, overconfident, slightly obnoxious South African, Simon - leader of the group, sharp tongued, nice guy and Harry- who is clinging onto his student roots. The sitcom centres around a group of lads in their min twenties, trying to find a balance between, work, play, women and each other.

Would love any feedback, thanks in advance. Rolyrat

MORNING

JONTY ENTERS THE LIVING ROOM. SIMON AND HARRY ARE WATCHING TV.

J: Hey, hey boys [Harry and Simon pause and look-up]

S and H: Alright big man what's happening?

J: Not much. Not much at all fellas. How was the job interview Harry?

H: Don't ask

J: That bad? I'll give you some tips next time [pause while Harry and Simon continue to stare at the TV] Well aren't you going to ask me about my day?

S: [sighing] How was your day Jonty?

J: Oh alright you know the usual, work, few beers, salesman of the month at Spencers

H: Oh yeah, Ian said, congrats mate. That's great

J: Yeah I am great. Shame that pussy couldn't make it out for the celebrations last night. It was an absolute blast. So, sorry if I was a bit loud last night when I got in

H: No, I didn't even hear you come in

S: Me neither, don't worry about it.

J: Well I was being quite noisy so don't be polite. I'm sorry if I woke you up.

H: You didn't mate. What the hell were you doing, banging a drum kit or something.

J: Well banging yes.

S: What are you on about mate, what were you banging?

J: Not what but who?

H/S: What?

J: Oh no, I've said too much.

H: You had a bird back last night? Come on caveman, who is she?

J: Oh no, show her some respect. A gentleman never tells.

H: Clearly, you've shown her plenty of respect turfing her out before the sun's risen.

J: No, she's still in there. Wore her out from all the you know?

S: Not really, Jonty. What all the circuit training you've been doing?

J: No all the f**king man. I was up for hours just screwing her man.

H: Wow, you really are a gentleman.

S: Hours?

H: [Harry picks up the remote and starts fiddling with it. While staring at the TV] So, how did you manage to pick up this lady then

J: Just met her down the Maggy didn't I? Ian was meant to meet me but he blew me out so I just turned on my charm. Tell a lady what she wants and she's putty in your hands, you know how it is. And then when we got back here I kept telling her to keep it down but she was just so into it, a real screamer, like Catherine Jenkins, you know what it's like when you're just pushing a girl's buttons.

H: Can't say I've ever had such an experience Sting,
but well done. She's still in there then. What's her name? Can we meet her?

J: Well that's kind of the point Hal. I don't know her name. Or I do. She told me last night but I've forgotten it.

S: Special lady then?

J: Well, you couldn't help me out could you?

H: How?

J: just go in there and ask her name so she doesn't give me shit. Wouldn't want to break her heart thinking that the J-man sees her as just another notch on his bedpost.

S: Go on Harry, go and see this three armed monster that Jonty's brought home.

H: Right, what's in it for me? Can I mop up your sloppy seconds?

J: No way mate, that's disgusting. I'll cook you lunch today. Eggs, bacon, sausages the lot.

H: You want to cook me lunch, I'm a chef?

S: Come on mate, who are you kidding

Hoached eggs?

J: Whatever you want

H:Freshly squeezed orange?

J: Yes

H: Deal. Let's go then

Harry, Simon and Jonty walk out
They get to Jonty's room. Jonty and Simon are waiting outside with their ears to the wall. Harry bounds into the room.
----

Women should love it.

Quote: rolyrat @ October 28 2009, 3:33 PM BST

Jonty- a brash, overconfident, slightly obnoxious South African

View original

At what point in the script does he become only slightly obnoxious?

Unless Jonty gets smacked round the face with a nail-studded baseball bat at least three times an episode his lack of charm as a principle character is likely to be an issue. Perhaps more of an issue is that it is light on humour, and such humour as there is consists of rather weary banter between the protagonists. It is possible that you have more in your arsenal, but this is rather dispiriting opening.

Look again at a few sitcoms and take note of where the laughs come from. Then if you are still up for it, try again.

This is another script which I think would be very reliant on the actors approaching it from a specific sort of angle in order for it to be funny and fresh throughout, otherwise as those above mentioned the banter would tire very quickly.

I liked it for what it was, and I can see what you're doing with it. Would I be right in saying there's an Inbetweeners kind of vibe going on?

WOuld echo the above.

Not really funny to be fair - just a guy being an arse.

Timbo's advice is good.

I thought it funny

Does the woman's name rhyme with a part of the female anatomy?

There was a couple of funny lines in this and the dialouge was realistic up to a point. But I personally found the entire concept unoriginal and uninspiring. A flat-share with a group of twenty-somethings, it has been done to death and unless you are coming at it from a completely new point of view I don't think it has much chance.

I don't mean to be harsh, as I said, you do seem to have a way with dialouge and there are a couple of laughs in there. I'd say try applying your skills to a new, original idea.

Hi all,

Thanks for your feedback.

It is clear now that this is a bit crass and this scene in particular involves a lot of fairly mindless banter between a group of mates.

I did want Jonty to be a character who was rude and not particularly popular-but have gone overboard I think and he may need to be toned down.

Now I have seen the Inbetweeners, it is quite similar, but I did write this before I had seen an episode- as it turns out the character of Jay in the Inbetweeners is kind of how I imagined Jonty.

Most of all, I think that the premise is pretty unoriginal. Maybe I will try my hand at something else.

Thanks,

Rat

Quote: rolyrat @ October 28 2009, 2:33 PM GMT

Jonty- a brash, overconfident, slightly obnoxious South African,

View original

FYI... not all South Africans are brash, overconfident, slightly obnoxious. In fact Jonty Rhodes is very sweet!

"I was up for hours just screwing her man" - As there is no comma before man it implies Jonty was shagging the daylights out of a bloke!
Take this thought and the next line from "H" could be: You were up for
hours screwing her man! Didn't she mind?

Quote: Stephen Birch @ November 6 2009, 1:02 AM GMT

"I was up for hours just screwing her man" - As there is no comma before man it implies Jonty was shagging the daylights out of a bloke!
Take this thought and the next line from "H" could be: You were up for
hours screwing her man! Didn't she mind?

View original

As Stephen suggests; the line arising from your lack of punctuation; "You were up for hours screwing her man! Didn't she mind?" is a very funny line.

Also (a pet hate!); what's with the initials thing, J. S. and H? Fair enough, you 'apologise for the lack of formatting' at the outset but you've had enough time to change it (very easily) since then! Apart from anything else, correct formatting is easier on the eye.

________________________________________________________________________________

INT. LIVING ROOM DAY

SIMON AND HARRY ARE WATCHING TV. JONTY ENTERS.

JONTY:
Hey, hey boys.

PAUSE,THEN HARRY AND SIMON LOOK-UP.

SIMON and HARRY:
(TOGETHER) Alright big man, what's happening?

JONTY:
Not much. Not much at all fellas. How was the job interview Harry?

HARRY:
Don't ask.

JONTY:
That bad? I'll give you some tips next time.

HARRY AND SIMON IGNORE JONTY AND CONTINUE TO WATCH TV.

JONTY:
Well- aren't you going to ask me about my day?

________________________________________________________________________________