Watson's Wind Up - oneliners & short sketches. Page 15

Yeah, I got a sketch in the other week. (The Holby/Leslie Ash quickie)

And I got two sketches in the last serioes.

Funnily enough, I've never cracked getting a one-liner in Watson's Wind Up.

Phil loved a Stephen Gately one-liner of mine the other week, but couldn't include it because he didn't think he'd get away with it. Admittedly, it was in very poor taste.

I hope it doesn't turn out like Newsjack where it seemed like they were taking a handful from open subs.

Trouble is, as most of it is written by their core writing team, they only have a few slots for non comm writers. (In between all the regular features)

I have done reasonably well over the last 4 series and always send my stuff in as word attachments. But I don't think it's really ever been too important, particularly with one liners etc.

However as it's gone out for a general call via Writersroom this time round they specifically ask for:

"Sketches should be attached on .doc files only and your name stated clearly on each sketch."

So if you follow that then I'm sure you won't go too far wrong.

Tam's joke construction is superb - I've been trying (and failing) to ape it over the last three weeks. I can copy the structure but not the funny unfortunately...

Anyway, defeat conceded, I've reverted to type. Here was my final bash:

Former Celtic manager John Barnes has applied to become coach of the Rwanda national team. First the genocide and now this... will the Rwandan people ever be free?

A Hebridean author is taking the unusual step of writing his next novel on Twitter - one entry per day which could take 14 years to finish.

The idea is not new: last year Stephen Fry used the social networking site to publish his memoir 'Taking It Up The Twitter'.

Kenny MacAskill has split with his wife of 22 years.

His wife is said to be grateful to the Justice Secretary for her early release but was keen to stress she had still served the best part of a life sentence: the first to do so under Mr. MacAskill.

A forthcoming comic book biography of Harry Potter author JK Rowling depicts her pleading for handouts and weeping in cockroach infested conditions. I didn't know she was on the Rangers board!

Broken Britain: A racist is allowed on mainstream TV to poison millions with their braindead opinions... that said, Cheryl Cole's new single is pretty damn catchy.

The two Scottish brothers behind hit game Grand Theft Auto are set to make millions from their company Rockstar – industry experts describe them as the most lucrative evil siblings since John and Edward.

Morrissey was rushed to hospital after collapsing on stage this week. Doctors say the singer is alive and well and should make a full recovery - Morrissey says he's devastated.

M: In totally unrelated news, Elton John has cancelled the last three dates of his world tour as he's suffering from 'flu.

F: Man 'flu I bet

M: Worse - it's gay man 'flu.

A prominent historian has called for Scotland to keep its 'tundra time' and not put the clocks back an hour like the rest of Britain. Tundra is a desolate, treeless wasteland in the North – why not just call it Aberdeen Mean Time?

F: Did you read about that monster jailed for 4 years after having sex with a sleeping woman?

M: My other half struggles to stay awake during nookie – what does that make me?

F: Married.

Thanks for the pointers everyone.

Now I just have to be funny...

Quote: Gregor Shamsa @ October 29 2009, 4:22 AM BST

Broken Britain: A racist is allowed on mainstream TV to poison millions with their braindead opinions... that said, Cheryl Cole's new single is pretty damn catchy.

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The pick of the bunch, for me...

Cheers, Gregor - much appreciated.

I thought any of yours could have been chosen, my faves were the Twitters and lugubrious Morrisey. You should soldier on and don't chuck it after a few weeks.

This week's nonsense below...

The Vatican has posted an invitation to ministers from the Church of England to join them in Rome. The Anglican clergymen will watch a short presentation about life in the priesthood by Father Gary Glitter.

A survey claims that 1-in-5 Britons would consider voting BNP, while another survey revealed that 20% of UK citizens cannot read, write or count and lack a basic education.

The Duke of York claims that bankers deserve their bonuses. When asked to comment on post-Keynesian, macroeconomic derivative markets, the Duke replied "When they were up they were up, when they were down they were down, and when they were only half way up, they were neither up nor down".

Couples who find love on the internet using their i-Phones can now use a new portable electronic device to arrange their wedding called the i-Do.

When asked about the chances of a team from Edinburgh winning the SPL Kenny Dalglish replied "Hibees aye, Hibees naw".

Following the news that last week's Question Time attracted over 8-million viewers, executives at STV are to recruit Nick Griffin as an extra on Taggart.

South African Millionaire Dave King says he has no intention of buying Rangers and has offered the club to his namesake, Mervyn.

A community group in Glasgow plan to prevent the Council building homes on playing fields by installing bat-boxes. A spokesman for the RSPB said the boxes were more likely to attract robins.

A serial flasher with a fetish for pink thongs has been jailed in Glasgow for 22 months. 2 months were for flashing and 20 months for dealing in crack cocaine.

Glasgow Council say they will not follow the Skye bridge knitwear experiment as there are already too many jumpers on the Erskine Bridge.

Three tower blocks in Edinburgh were demolished this week following a controlled explosion at 2 a.m. by Derek Riordan.

Scottish secretary Jim Murphy is to lobby the Vatican about a visit from the Pope in 2010. The move was supported by Green MSP Patrick Harvie who is looking forward to kissing the Pontiff's ring

A man with a stun-gun tried to rob a woman in Maryhill this week. The 38-year-old woman surprised doctors when she made a remarkable recovery from swine-flu.

A Renfrewshire woman has had her 6-month driving ban quashed after judges decided it could harm the charity she works for. A spokesman for the charity 'Save Rangers from the Banks' said they were delighted.

Nick Griffin has denied having holocaustic views.

The Celtic-supporting Royal Mail chief Adam Crozier says Tony Mowbray can have first pick of any of his strikers in the transfer window.

1-in-7 burglaries last year was committed for identity theft according to an anonymous report this week.

Walter Smith fears being run by a bank means that he will be quantitatively eased out of the Ibrox exit door.

The English FA has declared that spitting on the pitch can spread swine flu but does encourage slide tackles.

Radovan Karadzic has delayed his war crimes trial in the Hague claiming he has not had enough time to consult with his lawyer, Tommy Sheridan, on his Gretna speech.

Following the capture of a British yacht by Somalian fugitives the CIA have launched an offensive against pirate training camps in Yemen, Iran and The Barras.

Quote: Tam-S @ October 29 2009, 10:48 AM BST

The Duke of York claims that bankers deserve their bonuses. When asked to comment on post-Keynesian, macroeconomic derivative markets, the Duke replied "When they were up they were up, when they were down they were down, and when they were only half way up, they were neither up nor down".

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One of the best gags I've read on here. Brilliant!!!

Nice work (as always) Tam and I loved the Cheryl Cole gag Gregor.

My attempts:

I was surprised to hear that Susan Boyle's debut album has become the most pre-ordered release in the history of Amazon. It's supposed to be a jungle out there.

Scottish international footballer Ross McCormack must have had a good game last week; he hit the bar, then a post before successfully dribbling on the wing.

To clampdown on anti-social behaviour over Halloween, the Police have banned the sale of eggs and flour. Kids will still find them though…piece of cake.

Staff at dictionary publishers Chambers are due to lose their jobs. They've had the bad news spelt out to them.

It's been revealed that Morrissey's partner fainted in an Indian restaurant upon hearing of her boyfriend's stage collapse. She was a girlfriend in a korma.

One in ten Scottish prisoners is a registered sex offender. The other 90% forgot to post the form.

Walter Smith is going to struggle in the transfer market now that the bank is in charge of the club. Smith has a budget of 50,000 tiny pens.

High street sales are at their highest level for two years. The Government has now sold twenty-three high streets.

Fake DVDs with a street value of £20,000 were seized from the Barras Market in Glasgow. They also found a thousand copies of The Proclaimers' Greatest Hits, bringing the total value of goods to £15,000.

A man has been injured in a suspicious fire in Inverness. He commented, "this fire was trusting no-one".

Jimmy Carr has received criticism for poking fun at amputees in the war. If you ask me, it's been blown out of all proportion.

The Government intends to clampdown on persistent file-sharers. Officials plan to search all cakes in prison.

Protesters threw eggs as BNP leader Nick Griffin when he appeared at a Scottish radio station. They were making a heckles cake.

Gordon Ramsay has undergone beauty treatment to fill in the deep grooves on his chin. He's now so attractive; he's been offered a role in Neighbours. That's right up Ramsay's street.

The press believe that many other Scots will follow Ramsay's lead and embrace cosmetic surgery. One reporter has even suggested that Gordon Strachan will undergo an operation to reach a more respectable height, but that's probably something of a stretch.

I'm favouring your I-do, bat boxes and anonymous burglars report there Tam. And from Gerry's batch, the suspicious fire, sex offenders and Proclaimers Hits, although I fear these last two might be a bit near the knuckle and sacrilege respectively.

Aye looks like some good competition this week.

Cheers all.

Great stuff Gerry - Morrisey-korma, high street and tiny pens must be in with a shout.

Tam

I've really enjoyed the shows so far, it's consistently funny.

I listened to the show and found it surprisingly good. The sketch about bus drivers was absolutely first rate in both writing and performance.

Great to see the gags on here as well. Most of them deserve a home. Tam-S, how do you do it???

Quote: Mikey Jackson @ October 28 2009, 1:37 AM BST

Here's one of my one-liners:

This Is It, the new Michael Jackson film, made by piecing together concert rehearsal footage, is now showing at cinemas.
I hate to spoil it for people who are going to see the film, but he dies at the end.

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This gag appeared in a slightly altered format. I'm hoping it was yours and it was just retouched to be a conversation piece rather than a news item. If so, well done.

Yeah, it was mine.

Just looking through the news headlines, and I thought of this:

House prices increase for fourth consecutive month:

£50,000

£50,000

£50,000

£50,000

Doesn't really work on the radio though

I had my first stab at submitting a few jokes to Watson's Wind Up.
None were used but "if at first you don't succeed.."

One of the jokes related to last weeks true story of the Irish shop owner who was sick of people going to the toilet against his shop and he wired it up so that any future guilty party would receive a small electric shock.
The guy had said that he did it to "stop p**h getting through the front door" My punch-line was - "Rumours that The Old Firm are considering this to improve their scouting policy are unfounded".

And this was the best one!!