Vampire Peep Show

VAMPIRE PEEP SHOW

INT. SOPHIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT:

SOPHIE IS IN BED SOUND ASLEEP. AT THE FOOT OF HER BED MARK IS STANDING AND WATCHING HER.

MARK
(GATHERING HIS COURAGE) Psst. Sophie. Sophie, wake up.

SOPHIE
(DROWSY) Mark? What are you doing here?

MARK
I was wondering if you'd like to become a vampire?

SOPHIE
Huh? No. Piss off.

SHE GOES BACK TO SLEEP.

MARK
Ah. I see. Still, no harm in asking.

HE LEAVES THROUGH THE WINDOW AND GETS OUT HIS PHONE.

EXT. SOPHIE'S BEDROOM WINDOW - NIGHT:

MARK
(ON PHONE)She said, no, Jez. They never do that in the movies. I'll bet
no one ever told Dracula to "piss off." This is all your fault. It's the
worst thing you ever caught-even worse than the chlamydia. "Ask her if
she's ever considered the benefits of vampirism?" I'm trying to get her
to join the ranks of the undead, not switch her phone service provider.
Fine, I'll give it a go.(HANGS UP)

INT. SOPHIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT:

MARK IS BACK AT THE FOOT OF HER BED.

MARK
I don't want to bang on about the benefits of vampirism. But I know you
worry about losing your looks.

SOPHIE
Have you completely lost your mind?

MARK
You'd stay young - youngish - forever.

SOPHIE
What do you mean youngish?

MARK
Sophie, we have to face facts. Neither of us are spring chickens. You're
starting to get a bit-

SOPHIE
You're calling me an old hag!

MARK
No, no! You are perfectly lovely, hence my offer.

SOPHIE
This is really horrible, Mark. (CRIES)

MARK
Please, don't cry. Don't think about bags or wrinkles. Not that you have
any - you don't! So don't you worry about that. Moving on. Think about
how lousy the rest of your life is. Your career is over, and you're not
suited to be a good mother.

SOPHIE CRIES HARDER.

SOPHIE
Oh my god! Are you saying I'd be better off dead?

MARK
(SCOFFS) No. Not dead.
SOPHIE
Vampires are dead.

MARK
Ok. But you'd only be dead for two to three days tops. Then you pop
right out of the coffin - fresh as a daisy!

SOPHIE
I'm not having this ghastly conversation. You need to leave. Why are you
staring at me like that? Are you trying to hypnotize me?

MARK
Don't be...don't be silly.

SOPHIE
You are! You are trying hypnotize me.

MARK
Perhaps slightly. Would it be alright if I bit you now? I'm really
rather peckish.

SOPHIE
No! I don't understand you, Mark. You didn't want to spend a single
lifetime with me, and now you want me around for all eternity?

MARK
It's just looking back on it, on us, I was at my least miserable with
you. Almost approaching happy, I guess.

SOPHIE MELTS A BIT.

MARK
Plus, I'm not going to do better now, am I?

SOPHIE THROWS A CLOCK AT HIM.

SOPHIE
GET OUT! You LOVE RAT! Get out. Jilter.

MARK
Not technically a jilter, but, well...You have my number. Give me a
ring. Evenings are best, of course.

MARK LEAVES THROUGH THE WINDOW. AND FLOATS OUTSIDE IT.

MARK
It's been great to see you again, Soph.

SOPHIE DRAWS THE BLINDS IN HIS FACE AND GOES BACK TO BED.

FADE OUT:
THE END.

Good effort, my one criticism ,if I have any... is you seem to have forgot about the internal monologues. I reckon something at the beginning like....

MARK (INT. MONOLOUGUE)
'Come on Mark, you can do this! You didn't join Satan's unholy army to stand at the end of sophie's bed like a wet lemon, I wonder why that phrase exists? I mean, the lemon's no less tasty if it's wet, is it? Must remind Jeremy to rinse a lemon when I get home'

SOPHIE
'Mark, is that you?

mark looks startled.

Sorry got carried away, but, other than the lack of the show defining monologues it was an enjoyable piece and a quality idea.
Nice one!

Glad you mostly liked it.

There are no voice overs because you can't hear vampire thoughts. According to True Blood, anyway.

Quote: Little Jersey Devil @ October 31 2009, 4:00 AM BST

MARK
You'd stay young - youngish - forever.

View original

That's very funny but you weaken the joke by hammering it home with the next line.

It's much funnier if the joke goes over Sophie's head and, if it also goes over some of the audience's heads, that's okay. The people who get it will love it (and you) even more because you've respected them enough not to explain it.

I somehow managed to read this entire sketch without realising it was a Peep Show parody, and I didn't think it was great.

Then, re-reading after the penny dropped, I thought it was pretty good.

I'm not sure what this means, but I thought I'd mention it.

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ October 31 2009, 1:27 PM BST

I somehow managed to read this entire sketch without realising it was a Peep Show parody, and I didn't think it was great.

Then, re-reading after the penny dropped, I thought it was pretty good.

I'm not sure what this means, but I thought I'd mention it.

View original

That brings up a hugely important point.

Sometimes, a script can seem wonderful or awful or anywhere in-between depending upon how we imagine the lines being spoken and by whom.

It's a good idea, although you haven't quite pulled it off, but good effort.

I agree with middle distance' the internal monologue is a comedy goldmine. And as far as I'm aware, it's only Sookie who can't read Vampire's minds

People like to see Jez too, especially Mark & Jez together, why not have him out on the balcony with Mark convincing him to stay there, because he doesn't trust Jez to 'do it nicely'. So Jez is convincing him to "go Nosferatu on her arse" or simmink

It is a good idea and I'm getting into it now