Ronnie Andersons MA death bed sitcom extract

I found the feedback really useful, particualry from Marc P, although I don't think my stuff is his sort of comedy I seem to have learned something each time he has critiqued me.

This is an extract from a scene from a death sitcom.

INT.HOSPITAL ROOM.DAY

Mary, eighty five lies in the bed, semi concious. She wears an oxygen mask and is attached to a drip machine. Sat around the bed are CHRISTINE, forties, glamorous, pretty, HELEN, fifties, nervous disposition, DEBBIE, pretty, thirties,PAM, overweight, fifties, children's social worker, old fashioned behive type hairstyle and JAY, twenty four, scruffy hair, wearing a mod style suit.

PAM
I think I can hear something. Listen.

CHRISTINE
What is it?

Christine puts her ear to the machines around Mary's bed.

PAM
I can hear it sliding. Oh no.

HELEN
Should we get the nurse?

PAM
Maybe, because something is certainly fading.

CHRISTINE
What?

PAM
The fun level are going down!

CHRISTINE
Moron.

Pam eats a sandwich.

PAM
What about if we play a game?

Silence.

PAM (CONT'D)
There's one I play with the kids called if. I'll give you a hypothetical question and you have to answer it.
(TO JAY)
Okay homi?

JAY
Yeah.

PAM
If you could speak to a...dead celebrity who would it be? Who wants to start?

Silence.

PAM (CONT'D)
I'll go. It's a bit of an obscure one. Elvis Presley.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, Elvis, crazy isn't it? He had a really good singing voice and was good looking. And, he was also a good performer. Some people called him the king of rock'n'roll.

CHRISTINE
It's mad you know all that stuff. You're not a rock historian, are you?

PAM
No, I just read a lot. I'd say to him it was a pity that he had to die the way he did. Drug addiction is a terrible thing. Not just for the addicts themselves but also for their families.

JAY
Wasn't he also a food addict? I think when he died he was eating like ten sponge cakes a day, wasn't he?

Jay looks to Pam for a response. Pam looks embarrassed.

Awkward silence.

JAY (CONT'D)
Shall I go now?

PAM
Yes.

JAY
Lewis Carroll, the author of Alice in Wonderland.

CHRISTINE (TO HELEN)
You must admit, he is clever.

JAY
I'd ask him was there any logic to the idea of tangerine trees and marmalade skies. Because, I'll be honest, I actually find some bits of that book quite exetential.

HELEN (IMPRESSED)
Extential.

DEBBIE (JEALOUS)
Me too.

JAY
I'd also ask him if he used to take picture of naked six year olds.

Silence.

JAY (CONT'D)
There was a rumour that-

CHRISTINE
Helen, who's yours?

HELEN
Erm...er...who's dead?

DEBBIE
Thousands of people.

HELEN
Jeremy Beadle.

CHRISTINE
But he wasn't even that big a celebrity.

HELEN
Well, that's why. I get really nervous around famous people.

Okay I'll bite. When do you need to get the 3o min one you were talking about into your college?

I need to get three thirty page scripts in by noon on Monday. Due to illness they gave me a bit longer.

Quote: Ronnie Anderson @ October 29 2009, 4:04 PM BST

I need to get three thirty page scripts in by noon on Monday. Due to illness they gave me a bit longer.

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I am well busy, even though I seem to be spending my time posting nonsense on here but I can have a look at one of them if you like as long as it's not the death bed scene. But not sure I would be able to get back to you in time for Monday?

That would be brilliant, even if you can't get back to me on Monday I would be really interested to know your thoughts on my script. I will send you one I want to send to the BBC writersroom, obviously not the death bed one.
Shall I email it?

I love this.

I love the idea of a death-bed scene; I never know how to act in hospitals.

Good luck with it, and remember TV isn't the be all and end all nowadays. There's definitely, definitely room for this somewhere.

Thanks Stu. Really glad you enjoyed it. This is the type of stuff I love to write and am considering doing it as a play.

I'm finding that even if I were to become brilliant at this type of writing (not that I am) I still wouldn't make any money out of it as a sitcom, and as I wish to be a sitocm writing and am trying to adapt my writing style.

Isn't it strange that nobody has complained about the 'child pornography' joke ("I'd also ask him if he used to take pictures of naked six year olds") when you consider the number of people who howled the place down at a couple of references to rape in one of my recently-posted scripts?

I must make a note - more child pornography, less rape.

General points about good taste aside, The 'child porn' line is funny but the rest is a little light on laughs, unless the humour is going to come via our understanding of the characters involved.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1087447/Was-Lewis-Carroll-paedophile-Discovery-cryptic-letter-raises-questions-authors-relationship-real-life-Alice.html

Quote: Roodeye @ October 30 2009, 4:56 PM BST

when you consider the number of people who howled the place down at a couple of references to rape in one of my recently-posted scripts?

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2, we were just very angry so we appeared much larger. Ronnie's joke is funny and not offensive as it's not giving directions, it's a reference. Having said that Roodeye, if I take my emotional reaction to your jokes away for a moment I can appreciate what you were saying about their comedic merit but honestly in the context of the abrasive set they still make me angry rather than laugh.

Ronnie, I liked this, I didn't fully understand the relationship between the characters but assumed they were all relatives and I'm guessing that's explained in the rest of it. I liked Pam's lines particularly, her character came across really well, really annoying. Laughed from 'Okay homi' onwards, not big laughs but consistent. Good luck with it.

Quote: Die Hard @ October 30 2009, 5:49 PM BST

Roodeye, if I take my emotional reaction to your jokes away for a moment I can appreciate what you were saying about their comedic merit but honestly in the context of the abrasive set they still make me angry rather than laugh.

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Thanks, Die Hard.

It seems clear that you're expressing a genuine sentiment related entirely to the material and unrelated to any personal feelings you may have about its author.

I can accept and respect such sentiments all day long.

Cheers mate, no hard feelings.

Thanks Die Hard and Roodeye for reading my script.
I do think the comedy in this script comes more from knowing the characters, though I accpet it could look like a bit of a cop out.

I didn't read Roodeye's rape script and know nothing about the thread but in general I do think people take these jokes far too seriously, but I suppose a child porn joke is a lot less cotroversial if it's about someone who died a hundred or so years ago.

Ronnie I did quite get something from this. I thought there were definite essences in here for laughter - one or two lines did make my laugh out loud.

what I think you need to do is possibly watch more sitcom to really understand how to get a gag off with a bang. did you say this was for school/college? I think it has the potential to suceed. who are your influences etc? I think this would help with giving feedback.

Thanks Jim for reading my work.

Quote: jim field @ October 30 2009, 7:22 PM BST

what I think you need to do is possibly watch more sitcom to really understand how to get a gag off with a bang.

View original

could you please give me an example. I do think you have a point but could you elabroate on it a bit more please.

My influences for writing this would be the Royle Family. I wanted to write something that was very naturalistic and also, had some depth to it, as I found the sitcoms I really love such as The Royle Family, Butterflies, Reffie Perrin and Steptoe and Son, have a certain depth and poetry to them. Though before anyone points it out there was no attempt at writing any depth or poetry in this particualr extract.