Nurse Sketch Edit

Another edit. Let me know what you think. Thanks

INT: HOSPITAL CORRIDOR – DAYTIME: A SENIOR NURSE (EARLY 50's) STANDS WITH AYOUNGER NURSE (EARLY 30's).

NURSE
[ANXIOUSLY] I don't think I'm ready yet, I think I've come back too soon.

NURSE TEAM MANAGER (NTM)
Oh, don't be silly, you're fine! There's a couple waiting in there for you, so go and put them at ease. Go on! [NTM FLAPS AT THE NURSE TO GO IN; NURSE LOOKS SHEEPISHLY BACK AT NTM AS SHE PUSHES THE DOOR OPEN]

CUT TO: INT. ULTRASOUND ROOM – THE NURSE WALKS IN AND INTRODUCES HERSELF TO THE YOUNG COUPLE.

NURSE
If you could hop up on the bed and pull your top off your tummy I'll just put some gel on for the ultrasound.

FEMALE PATIENT
Oh right, thanks.

THE PATIENT GETS ON THE BED AND PULLS HER TOP UP; THE NURSE SQUIRTS A LOT OF GEL ON TO THE PATIENT'S STOMACH.

HUSBAND
If you put anymore on you might drown the baby!

THE NURSE LOOKS AT HIM UNAMUSED AND SNORTS.

NURSE
Right, let's get this rubbed in shall we?

THE NURSE CARESSES THE PATIENT'S STOMACH SOFTLY.

NURSE
Is it going to be your first child?

PATIENT
Yeah, we're both really nervous because it's all so new to us, but fingers crossed everything goes ok!

NURSE
I was meant to have my first child recently…[SHE BREAKS FROM HER SENTENCE AND LOOKS DOWN WISTFULLY] Ok, let's get this show on the road then shall we?!

HUSBAND AND WIFE EXCHANGE WORRIED LOOKS.

PATIENT
Well, shouldn't we wait for the doctor to get here?

NURSE
What, don't you trust me?!

PATIENT
Yes, yes of course we do it's just the doctor is meant to do it.

NURSE
Well, he's not here now is he?

NURSE BEGINS TO GLIDE THE ULTRASOUND OVER HER STOMACH; SHE STARTS PUSHING IT IN TO HER HARDER AND HARDER.

PATIENT
Ow! You're hurting me!

NURSE
Oh, sorry dear!

HUSBAND
Look, I think we should just wait for the doctor.

NURSE
NO…do you want to know the sex of your baby?

HUSBAND
Err… well, we were discussing it the other day and we decided we'd wait, keep it as a bit of a surpr…

NURSE
…it's a girl.

THE COUPLE ARE AGHAST.

HUSBAND
Right, come on we're leaving.

HE GRABS HIS WIFE'S HAND AND SHE MOTIONS TO GET UP.

NURSE
No! [SHE PUSHES THE PATIENT DOWN BY HER STILL BARE STOMACH] We haven't finished.

HUSBAND
No, this really isn't on and you've just spoilt the surprise for us.

NURSE
I was only joking. It's not really a girl.

WIFE
Oh right, so it's a boy then?!

NURSE
Well, that's you who's said that now isn't it? Look, just let me finish the procedure, you're all prepared and I've got the equipment set up.

NURSE RUNS THE ULTRASOUND OVER HER AGAIN; THE COUPLE WATCH HER INTENTLY; NURSE CHUCKLES TO HERSELF.

HUSBAND
Why are you laughing?

NURSE
There's no heart beat!

WIFE
What?!

NURSE
I'm afraid the only option is to perform an emergency caesarean.

WIFE
But I'm only 12 weeks pregnant!

NURSE
Do you want this baby to live or not?!

HUSBAND
(DISBELIEVING) How exactly do you plan on saving the baby if it hasn't got a heart beat?

NURSE
We need to cut the baby out so I can give him mouth-to-mouth.

HUSBAND
We're definitely going now!

THE NURSE FLOPS ON TO THE PATIENT'S STOMACH AND SOBS.

NURSE
No little baby, don't let them take you from me again.

DR PATEL WALKS IN TO THE ROOM

DR PATEL
Hell…(HE SEES THE NURSE SOBBING ON THE WORRIED PATIENT'S STOMACH) oh no, not again! [HE WALKS UP TO THE NURSE AND HOLDS HER SOFTLY BY THE SIDES; SHE RISES; HOLDING ON TO HIM] Come on now nurse. Go to the mess room and sort yourself out. [HE USHERS HER OUT]

NURSE
[SHE LOOKS BACK AT THE COUPLE] I'll get my baby back one day, whatever it takes. [EXIT NURSE]

DR PATEL
I am terribly sorry. She hadn't got the knife out yet had she?

WIFE
Knife?!

DR PATEL
[HE CHUCKLES] Hmm, she has a bit of history.

HUSBAND
What, has she done this before then?

DR PATEL
Oh yes! We would fire her but it would mean filling out a lot of paperwork and…well, I can't be bothered. [THE COUPLE EXCHANGE DISPLEASED LOOKS; DR PICKS UP THE ULTRASOUND] Let's get you ready then shall we? [HE RUBS HER STOMACH WITH HIS HAND] Oo, very dry. [HE SPITS STRAIGHT ON TO HER STOMACH]

HUSBAND
Couldn't you have used the gel?

DR PATEL
Oh no, it's easier this way. [HE RUBS THE SPIT IN TO HER STOMACH WITH THE ULTRASOUND] How many weeks pregnant are you?

WIFE
Only 12 weeks, and we know how much can go wrong so…

DR PATEL
It is a very big baby for 12 wee…Hang on. One, two, three, four, five… Ganesh?! By the blue skies of Vishnu! [HE DROPS TO HIS KNEES AND STARTS A HINDI MANTRA]

WIFE
[SHE LOOKS DOWN AT HIM] Am I having twins?

DR PATEL LOOKS UP AT HER PATHETICALLY.

END SKETCH

What happened to the glowing critique roodeye? If it still stands thanks!

Hi Giggle,

In writing this sketch, you seem to have observed the time-honoured tradition of saving the best till last.

The idea of the doctor spitting on the woman's stomach is very funny indeed - but only if the doctor is a top-flight professional in every other respect.

The ending is superb - but the snag is that people unfamiliar with Indian mythology are not going to get it.

In any event, the ending's so good that you might want to snip it off from the rest of the sketch and make it a standalone piece, thus:

SCENE: A HOSPITAL CONSULTING ROOM. INT. DAY
A HEAVILY PREGNANT WOMAN LIES ON A TABLE WITH HER BUMP BARED. AN INDIAN DOCTOR STANDS BY, HOLDING AN ULTRASOUND PROBE.

DOCTOR (PLEASANTLY)
I have to say it's very large baby for 12 weeks.

(CASUALLY AND PROFESSIONALLY, HE SPITS ONTO HER STOMACH AND MOVES THE PROBE AROUND IN THE SPIT POOL WHILE WATCHING THE SCREEN. AS HE WATCHES, HIS CONCENTRATION ON THE SCREEN BECOME INTENSE)

DOCTOR
One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . . five… Ganesh?! By the blue skies of Vishnu!

(HE DROPS TO HIS KNEES AND STARTS A HINDI MANTRA]

WOMAN:
Is it twins?

DOCTOR LOOKS UP AT HER PATHETICALLY
................................................................

Now, THAT is a real gem which could justifiably appear in any sketch show with a substantial Indian/Hindu audience.

By Ganesh you mean the deity Ganesha? Is the doctor counting four limbs and then a fifth, which he assumes is a trunk? Conservative Hindus might find it a mite blasphemous. And Indians might not find the idea of an Indian doctor spitting on a pregnant woman terribly funny. But that's just my opinion.

Quote: Kenneth @ October 27 2009, 12:54 PM BST

By Ganesh you mean the deity Ganesha? Is the doctor counting four limbs and then a fifth, which he assumes is a trunk? Conservative Hindus might find it a mite blasphemous. And Indians might not find the idea of an Indian doctor spitting on a pregnant woman terribly funny. But that's just my opinion.

View original

Ganesh is an accepted name for 'the deity Ganesha' isn't it? Ganesh, Ganesha, Ganesh, Ganesha let's call the whole thing off. The counting of limbs is him realising there are more than four limbs and his first inclination (as he is inept) is that it is the rebirth of Ganesh because he has four arms, two legs and a trunk.
Yes, I did consider that Hindus mightn't be happy with this so I put the edit up here to see the general view.

Thanks for re-critiquing Roodeye! Much appreciated.

Hi Giggle-o. Good stuff. Still don't think you need the conversation outside the room at the start. Just let the audience find out this nurse is a bit "troubled" through her interactions with the husband and wife. I think the time you save by cutting that bit gives you a little more time to use in the build-up to the doctor coming in to "rescue" the couple from the nurse. Try and make it more of a build-up to her really losing it.

As for the doctor pay-off at the end, make it more clear that the "Ganesh" baby he is seeing is real only in his own mind. (I'm presuming that he is just imagining that he's seeing the reincarnation of a Hindu god?) Either show that the ultrasound shows no such thing, or make it clear in his dialogue that this is not exactly the first time he has done he has had this illusion.

Good luck with it.

Cheers Tim. I did cut the beginning down a fair bit, but I see what you mean about buying more time. I was concerned that the ending might be perceived as a bit racial, but no one has said anything yet, other than Kenneth echoing my initial thoughts.
Thanks for reading it again.

Pleasure. I don't think it could be construed as a racist ending whatsoever. Besides, Hindus are quite a tolerate bunch (just my openly gay stand-up pal Paul Sinha).