Based on the documentary that's going out tonight on Channel Four. Here's my version to pre-empt and subvert it. Not brilliant, but I wrote it ten minutes.
Do You Know What's In Your Food?
A Celebrity Chef is standing in his lab like kitchen.
HESTON:
Hi, I'm Heston Blueman-group and do you know what's actually in the food that you eat? Let's find out shall we?
Heston is standing on a busy high street holding a tray of sausages.
HESTON:
I'm on the streets of Stevenage asking people to sample my sausage. But do they know what my meat is made of?
Montage of Heston handing out sausages and members of the public eating them. He stops to interview an elderly woman.
HESTON:
So, what do you think of my banger?
OLD LADY:
Mmm, very nice.
HESTON:
But do you know what's in it?
OLD LADY:
Pork?
HESTON:
Well this might surprise you, but under British law, my pork saussie only needs to be one percent piggly wiggly. The rest of the sausage is made up of starch, yeast, water, diseased chickens and saw dust. And if you think that's bad…
Video wipe to transition Heston back to his kitchen lab. He pulls out plates of food.
HESTON:
This chicken pie doesn't even have a chicken in it. It's made up primarily of potatoes, Soya, poultry flavourings and ferret droppings.
HESTON:
And though this Lancashire Hotpot may look appetising, it's main ingredients are twigs, potassium, laundry detergent and the dashboard from a Ford Mondeo.
Video wipe to transition Heston from his lab to a typical house kitchen. Two school children are sat at a table eating cereal.
HESTON:
These children look like they're enjoying their favourite breakfast cereals, but thanks to EU food laws, little Janey doesn't realise that her bowl of Monkey Pops is made up almost entirely of dead Bulgarian orphans and as for Mikey, he's really enjoying those Wheaty Smax but doesn't realise that it's ninety nine percent antelope vomit. And for the nutritious milk they're shoving into their little mouths…? Yep, it's made of ghosts.
Video wipe to transition Heston back to his kitchen lab.
HESTON:
I think the way these food companies are trying to pull a fast one over the British public is outrageous…
A man in a suit carrying a briefcase enters the kitchen lab.
HESTON:
Can I help you?
INSPECTOR:
Hello Mr. Blueman-group, I'm from the food agency, it seems you've been putting meat in your own brand frozen vegetarian cuisine.
HESTON:
Of course I put meat in it, otherwise it tastes disgusting and nobody buys it. Oh well, it's a fair cop, I'm come quietly.
ANNOUNCER:
Join us next week when we investigate what goes into these cookery programmes. Is it true that they are comprised of a hundred percent shit?
THE END