Skit Comp 21-31.10

Good stuff and congrats to... CHRIS for winnin' and topping the leader board! That's 10 points, an excuse to get wasted and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - Chris
3 - 5 - Nigel
2 - 1 - Mr Sunshine
Special mention: Nil, Swerytd, Cool Mikado, Dan

Your new subject: MASSAGE PARLOUR (chosen by Kasm).
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 18.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

111 - Chris Forshaw
103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
98 - Cool Mikado
85 - Otterfox
84 - Nigel Kelly
82 - Charley Rance
67 - Fred Sunshine
66 - Jude
66 - Timbo
65 - Baumski
60 - Michael Monkhouse
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd
32 - Paul Watson
21 - Mikey J
28 - Leevil
26 - David Chapman
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom G
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Roscoff
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton
11 - Badge
11 - Steven
10 - Robo
10 - Kasm
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
o5 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
04 - Nil Putters
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
02 - Craig H
01 - Minty
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

INT. A MASSAGE PARLOUR.

AN OVERWEIGHT, MIDDLE AGED BUSINESSMAN IS LYING ON HIS BACK ON A MASSAGE TABLE, WHILE A BUSTY MASSEUSE WORKS ON HIM.

BUSINESSMAN
Oooh, that feels good.

MASSEUSE
(SUGGESTIVELY) Would you like a happy ending?

BUSINESSMAN
Oh, yes.

Cut to:

THE BUSINESSMAN IS SAT UP ON THE MASSAGE TABLE, A TOWEL DRAPED ACROSS HIS MIDRIFT. HE IS SUCKING HIS THUMB. THE MASSEUSE IS READING FROM A LARGE BOOK.

MASSEUSE
…and from that day to this they have all lived happily ever after.

END.

INT.MASSAGE PARLOUR.DAY

A MAN WRAPPED IN A TOWEL IS LYING ON HIS FRONT BEING MASSAGED BY A HEAVILY MADE UP UNIFORMED MASSEUSE

MAN
Mmmmmm that feels fantastic

MASSEUSE
Right then, turn over for me

THE MAN SLOWLY TURNS OVER AND LIES ON HIS BACK. HIS TOWEL IS RAISED UP DUE TO HIS VERY OBVIOUS ERECTION

MAN
Sorry about that

MASSEUSE
Don't be

THE MASSEUSE GLANCES DOWN AT HER OWN VERY OBVIOUS ERECTION AND THEN WINKS AT THE MAN

WE SEE A YOUNG LADY AND AN OLDER GENTLEMAN JUST FINISHING HAVING SEX.

MAN:
That was great, Thanks

THE WOMAN SMILES, GETS UP AND PUTS HER DRESSING GOWN ON.

MAN:
I don't suppose you'd be able to...

WOMAN:
Be able to what?

MAN:
I mean I'll pay extra it's just I was wondering...

WOMAN:
Come on don't be shy, what do you want?

MAN:
You couldn't give me a erm... Massage could you.

WOMAN: (SHOCKED)
I'm sorry but this isn't that kind of establishment.

MAN:
But in the advert it says...

WOMAN:
Just get out before I call the police!

MAN JUMPS OUT OF BED GRABBING HIS CLOTHES IN A HURRY

WOMAN:
And don't ever come back you sick bastard.

INT. MASSAGE PARLOUR RECEPTION. DAY.

A YOUNG WOMAN IS SITTING BEHIND THE DESK AS A GUY IN HIS LATE TWENTIES, WEARING GLASSES, COMES IN AND WALKS DIFFIDENTLY TO THE DESK.

WOMAN:
Good morning, sir. Welcome to Massage in a Bottle, what treatment were you hoping for today?

THE MAN TRIES TO SPEAK BUT THE WOMAN IS INSTANTLY INTO HER SPIEL.

WOMAN (Cont'd):
We have head massage, head and neck, full body, Shiatsu, Reflexology, Hot stone, Aromatherapy or Deep Tissue.

MAN:
Um, actually it's a bit personal. I wanted you to massage my er…

WOMAN:
Eeoouw! We don't do that kind of massage you perv!

MAN: (embarrassed)
No, no. You don't understand - I want my… ego massaged.

WOMAN:
Ego? That's ridiculous!

MAN:
Well, it's just…

WOMAN:
What do you mean, your ego? Have you got that body dysmorphia thing?

MAN:
No, I just kind of feel a bit low…

WOMAN: (Looking him up and down)
You should see some of the pigs we get in here. You'd think they'd wandered in searching for truffles. What have you got to feel so low about?

MAN:
I just feel a bit…

WOMAN:
I mean, you're not ugly and you're not fat. Okay you don't have expensive clothes, but… they're okay - quite stylish really.

MAN: (looking down at them)
Bit old though.

WOMAN: (Shrugs)
Well, at least they suit you. You've got really strong bone structure. I mean, if I saw you in a pub or club – (trails off and pretends to do some work)

MAN:
What?

WOMAN:
Pardon?

MAN:
You said if you saw me in a pub or club… what were you going to say?

WOMAN:
Nothing. You know, I... No, I wasn't going to say anything else.

MAN:
Yes you were. What was it? You can't just stop like that.

WOMAN:
Listen, I've got work to do. I can't sit here chatting up clients.

MAN:
Chatting up? Is that what you were going to say?

WOMAN: (getting exasperated)
Look - all I meant was… you know, I'd probably fancy you. I mean, if you didn't have a girlfriend.

MAN:
Humph, I'm going through a rough period with my girlfriend at the moment.

WOMAN: (looking around to make sure she's not overheard)
Well, listen. If you ever dump your girlfriend... come back here and I'll… give you a personal massage. Not exactly Deep Tissue massage, but we might end up with a few wet tissues, if you know what I mean?

MAN:
Really? Whoa! That's… well, thanks.

HE TURNS TO LEAVE.

WOMAN:
Oh, hold on a moment, lover.

MAN: (expectantly)
Yes?

WOMAN: (suddenly business-like)
That'll be £25.

MAN:
Why?

WOMAN:
Why do you think – you four-eyed spotty twat?

INT. DAY. MASSAGE PARLOUR.

A MAN WALKS IN AND WALKS UP TO A MAN SITTING BEHIND A COUNTER.

MAN:
Do you have any blondes free at the minute mate?

STAFF:
Sure, first door on the left. She's a lovely bit of stuff, very popular girl.

MAN ENTERS ROOM.

MAN.
Denise, shit!

WOMAN:
Pete, shit!

MAN:
Erm.

WOMAN:
Erm... Is lasagne ok for your tea?

MAN:
Yeah, lasagne is fine.

MAN WALKS OUT.

COCK FIGHTING

Masseuse: Some people say my job's boring but it helps me with history. I call this one...

(Old bloke struggling to keep it up)

...Custer's Last Stand, bless 'im... And this one...

(Siamese twins with competitively high stalk-ons)

...Battle of the Bulge... And here's my favourite...

(Miniscule dwarf with momentus stiffie)

...Little Big Horn.

INT.MASSAGE PARLOUR.- DAY

A MIDDLE-AGED, BALD MAN IS LYING FACE UP ON A MASSAGE TABLE.

MASSEUSE:
There, finished. I'll just pop out and let you relax for a few minutes.

MAN:
Do you do extras?

MASSEUSE:
What do you mean?

MAN:
Do I have to spell it out to you? S-e-x.

MASSEUSE: (GASPS)
What kind of woman do you take me for?

MAN:
S-k-i-n-t. I overheard you telling the receptionist that you desperately needed money.

MASSEUSE:
Only a pig would take advantage of a woman's financial situation?

MAN: (PATTING BELLY)
So, call me Porky. Anyway, how much would you charge?

MASSEUSE:
You're right. I do need the money. Okay, twenty for the hand, thirty for the mouth,and fifty elsewhere.

MAN:
Elsewhere.

MASSEUSE:
Then that's fifty quid.

THE MAN REACHES OUT FOR HIS TROUSERS AND TAKES HIS WALLET OUT OF HIS TROUSER POCKET.

MAN: (HANDING HER THE MONEY)
Here.

MASSEUSE:
Lie on your belly and I'll be back in a second.

THE MAN COMPLIES AND THE MASSEUSE LEAVES THE ROOM. A FEW MOMENTS LATER THE MAN HEARS THE DOOR OPEN.

MAN:
About time. I'm desperate.

HE FEELS HIS ANKLES BEING GRABBED AND IS PULLED TOWARDS THE FOOT OF THE MASSAGE TABLE. HE TWISTS HIS HEAD AND SEES THE BEAR-LIKE RECEPTIONIST SMILING AT HIM.

RECEPTIONIST (GRUFF GLASWEGIAN VOICE)
The wife tells me you want it elsewhere. Bite your lip sweetheart, this is gonny hurt.

MAN:
Wait! I didn't mean like this. Can't we negotiate?

RECEPTIONIST:
N-o spells no. Come here!

She works in a local massage parlour
and her given name is Arabella
She is such a tease
when giving a squeeze
that her nickname is the cock strangler

INT. DAY - ROOM IN MASSAGE PARLOUR

A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IS BEING GIVEN A MASSAGE BY AN AVERAGE-LOOKING GUY.

WOMAN: I'm sorry I was a little early for my appointment. {BEAT] Mmmm, I love the way you're massaging my buttocks.

MAN: It's a pleasure Madam, please turn over.

WOMAN TURNS ONTO HER BACK, MAN STARTS MASSAGING WOMAN'S BREASTS

WOMAN: Mmmm, that's good. Mmm.

MAN GRADUALLY MOVES HANDS SENSUOUSLY TOWARDS HER GENITALIA AND CONTINUES MASSAGING

WOMAN: Mmmmm, oooh, mmmm, aaaah, that's good, really good, ooh, yeah.

MAN REACHES DOWN AND STARTS UP 'HENRY HOOVER' VACUUM CLEANER WITH LONG FLEXIBLE HOSE

SFX: VACUUM CLEANER

WOMAN: Ooh, I say! A vacuum cleaner as an instrument of pleasure? Is this a new type of therapy?

MAN: No Madam, I just heard the masseur coming back from his tea break.

END.

INSTRUCTOR CHRISTIAN IS TEACHING BUDDING MASSEUSE(ES)IN THE WAYS OF THE MASSAGE. HE IS QUITE POMPOUS WITH AN AIR OF SUPERIORITY.

CHRISTIAN:
Ok, ok people don't get carried away. Yes this is the actual building where you will be massaging people. This is where I, moi perform most of my magic. I know it can be quite a lot to grasp having the great Christian speaking to you.

Yes you have been trained how to massage but you now need to get the feel of the building, to truly feel at one with your surroundings so that your aura will eminate throughout the massage parlour and to do this you need to know the origins of our profession.

The word massage comes from the French word 'massage', meaning massage. The act of the massage involves several steps, all of which I am now going to go through with you.

Step 1. Getting the customer to lie down, Step 2. Massaging them.

The massage itself involves rubbing the back in a massaging motion.

Now the work Parlour comes from the English word 'parlour', meaning 'a parlour'.

The parlour houses the massaging, the massages, the masseuse, the massage oils and the act of the massage.
So the massage and the parlour are very much intertwined.When you begin your massaging career you will be plagued with the question 'what is the massage'? Well I was anyway...

Is it the masseuse, is it the act of the massage, as one without the other would not exist.

TRAINEE:
Isn't that a little philosphical. I mean we're masseuses not solving the riddles of the universe.

CHRISTIAN:
Who's the vermin who spoke out of turn. There you are you dumb bastard! You're so wrong because the word 'philosophy' actually comes from the Greek word 'philosophia' which literally translates as 'relaxed back'. You Idiot!! I mean why do I bother... you're all beneath my expertise. Of course 'expertise' comes from the french word expertois...

TRAINEE PUNCHES INSTRUCTOR.

CHRISTIAN:
What was that?

TRAINEE:
That was a punch which comes from the latin word 'punchis' meaning 'to hit a git'....twat..

HE WALKS OFF.

END.

Between Geoff and Kasm - Kasm edges it.

Nah! I think Steve Sunshine.

Steve Sunshine pips The Cool Mikado.

The Cool Mikado just ahead of Timbo