British Comedy Guide

Extract from sitcom script

So I've been working another sitcom for the sitcom mission thing... here's an extract (hopefully no major context is missing)

MARK – young man
CYNTHIA – young woman
PAUL – old man
ADAM – old man
MARY – old woman

KNOCK KNOCK

MARK
Come in

MARK
Oh Cynthia. How – how – how are you?

MARY (mutters to herself)
Blustering dickhead

CYNTHIA
Am alree Markie. Am alree. Heard you were in Bad Bobs Bistro last night. I'm a big fan of their wings.

MARK
Finger lickin good

CYNTHIA
That's disgusting, I wouldn't lick my fingers. PAUL- It's time for your wash.

PAUL
Ah bloody hell. I wish I could just bathe myself!

CYNTHIA
You know you're not allowed Paul, I have to scrub you down

MARY (mutters to herself)
Don't blow your whistle Markie, it's not you she wants to bathe

CYNTHIA
So Markie. How'd the date go?

MARK
Oh, it went -well- bad!

CYNTHIA
I know it did. Naomi is very sophisticated. Needs to be treated nice by a real man.

MARK
Well, I think it was the liquorice chewing gum that did me in

CYNTHIA
It was just the last straw Mark. She just wasn't into you – you know. No spark.

MARK
Really?

CYNTHIA
Well, I was facebooking her last night after the date, she told me so. Not attracted to you she said. She's not a great fan of your personality either

MARK
Oh

CYNTHIA
Cheer up Mark. Plenty more fish in the sea. You'll catch a trout one day soon

MARK
I'm not a big fan of fish

CYNTHIA
I'm not surprised Mark. You've a very unsophisticated palate.

MARK
I suppose

CYNTHIA
Well Markie, I'll see you soon. Paul come now!

PAUL
Yes Cynthia

CYNTHIA and PAUL leave

ADAM
Terrible creature

MARK
Terribly beautiful, she's a really great girl.

ADAM
She's a cretin! She's awful Mark, AWFUL

MARK
Awfully beautiful.

MARY (again muttering)
It's awful that you're unaware how unattractive you are.

ADAM
Mark, get a bloody grip. She's an awful creature. She says you have an unsophisticated palate – the girl eats rice-cakes! RICE CAKES

MARK
Rice cakes are tasteless

ADAM
Exactly, they've no flavour whatsoever!

MARK
But the topping is the flavour. It's just a delivery system for the topping.

ADAM
She eats them with no topping! She eats them bald!

MARY
She's got a Hollywood wax

MARK
Really Mary – how do you know?

MARY
She gets it all off once a month.

MARK
My God!

ADAM
My God Mark – she's awful!

MARK
My God Adam – she's a bloody hairless sexy angel, and her bottom is so bloody peachy I just want to eat it

MARY (muttering again)
You haven't a hope boy. Haven't a hope.

MARK
Adam, you used to be a ladies man. What can I do!

ADAM
We used to have an old saying – if there's grass on the pitch, play ball.

MARK
That idiom is dead.

ADAM
Mark, you will never be with Cynthia, but if you want my advice on the ladies, here it is – be yourself

MARK
Be yourself!

ADAM
Ah I'm just messing with you. That's bad advice. My advice to you is the following:
Fix your hair – it's even outdated by my standards!
Fix your teeth – it's never too late to start brushing, but you'll need more than brushing to fix them
Fix your body – some exercise is good

MARY
Fix your bloody face – maybe climb back up the ugly tree and see if falling down again makes things any better!

Cheers for feedback...

The setting is that of a classroom sort of situation in a nursing home/ retirement village setting. Education to keep the oldies on their toes.

There isn't many sexual references, and the sexual element of the sitcome is more aimed around the Mark and Cynthia characters.

With the "oldies" providing advice/etc. etc.

I'm only halfway through the first "episode" as it were, and intend maybe to aim it for the sitcom mission...
I think it's very stageable - and I've limited the number or characters and scenese.

No particular problem with the premise, but there was not much that actually made me laugh. The ricecakes stuff for instance just doesn't deliver. This is probably the least helpful advice possible, but the script needs to be funnier.

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