Wedding Day
This thread is locked. No further replies can be posted.
Hi Roodeye,
welcome to the BCG, it's great to see some different ideas in critique.
As you say, the whole 'age' thing is questionable, but I loved how it got to the point so succinctly. I'm guessing you've been writing for years?
Why was the house a 'modern detached' I was expecting it to have some relevance... 
Quote: Roodeye @ October 24 2009, 10:17 PM BSTIn fact, I'm probably old enough to be your boyfriend.
So at least 16 then?
It's funny.
The punchline did remind me of the one in your stuntman sketch.
But it works well in any case.
Quote: Roodeye @ October 24 2009, 10:41 PM BSTNext question?
We've got ourselves a funny. Kill him.
Quote: Roodeye @ October 24 2009, 10:47 PM BSTYes, Steve. The punchline is the same and the theme of both sketches is to do with the trouble one can cause one's self and others by embellishing one's CV, as it were.
And I will probably be using/stealing that idea sometime soon.
It's a nice way to end a sketch
Quote: Roodeye @ October 24 2009, 10:41 PM BSTAre you winding me up, Dolly Daydream?
Writing a script is all about painting pictures for the reader. When someone reads a script, it should set a 'movie' running in their imagination and they should see and hear everything you want to be seen and heard on the screen when the script is produced.
If I'd described the house simply as a 'house', a person reading the script would have had no idea whether the scene was set in colossal gothic haunted house on top of a remote spooky hill or a rat-infested boarded-up terraced slum.
I described the house as 'modern detached' because it sets the scene for a young, married couple setting out on a happy and prosperous life. Given that the bride is a 'young girl', it suggests the house was bought primarily by the man and that in turn suggests he has invested substantially in the marriage. His substantial financial investment might suggest he has invested similarly heavily in other areas, not least 'emotionally'.
Those heavy investments serve to illustrate the very great loss he suffers when the marriage along with everything it promised is a snatched away from him almost before it has begun.
Now, I doubt many people would realise all of the above on a conscious level but, in the very moment of reading the punchline, all of the above flashes into the UNconscious mind and the reader (or viewer) is hit with a potent cocktail of comedy and tragedy.
That's what all creative writing is about - playing the individual reader like a musical instrument, and a larger audience like a symphony orchestra.
Next question?
Dear me,
Why have you called her Dolly Daydream?
That's what all creative writing is about - playing the individual reader like a musical instrument, and a larger audience like a symphony orchestra.
Next question?
Sold much?
Quote: Roodeye @ October 24 2009, 10:41 PM BSTNext question?
If the location manager could only obtain a Victorian terraced, 60s semi or Georgian townhouse for the sketch would that matter?
As it stands I don't understand the sketch because you would know the age of someone you were marrying. Also most couples don't go back to their home (of any description) on their wedding night. 
Quote: Dolly Dagger @ October 24 2009, 10:57 PM BSTIf the location manager could only obtain a Victorian terraced, 60s semi or Georgian townhouse for the sketch would that matter?
As it stands I don't understand the sketch because you would know the age of someone you were marrying. Also most couples don't back to their home (of any description) on their wedding night.
What if their poor publican's? or they don't like starched sheets? or even that they make loads of noise and prefer the peace and quiet of London?
I've found Roodeye to be a breath of fresh air round here.
Their comments have been really insightful and helpful. I don't care if they've sold much or not, they are keen to help and honest with their feedback.
Quote: AngieBaby @ October 24 2009, 11:01 PM BSTI've found Roodeye to be a breath of fresh air round here.
Their comments have been really insightful and helpful. I don't care if they've sold much or not, they are keen to help and honest with their feedback.
maybe, but I don't think it's a very good sketch and it's written with far more than a sketch actually needs (the use of 'we zoom in', etc).
I'm being honest with feedback too.
Quote: Roodeye @ October 24 2009, 11:02 PM BSTDon't worry.
Be happy.
But seriously it doesn't make any sense. The joke is some bloke's married someone underage, some how. It just doesn't seem to work to me, but if you don't want to know that, then so be it.
Quote: Roodeye @ October 24 2009, 11:02 PM BSTDon't worry.
Be happy.
Maybe this is a good example of the subtle/funny debate an older man has f**ked a girl who is fifteen years old at the oldest and wearing a bridal gown. And the joke is?
That's what it's all about though.
You put something on Critique & everyones entitled to their opinion, and the Author can do what they want with the feedback.
As Ange said, Roodeye has definitely breathed a bit of life into the Crirtique section, and it's nice to see a few more people taking an interest as far as I'm concerned.
Quote: Steve Sunshine @ October 24 2009, 11:09 PM BSTThat's what it's all about though.
You put something on Critique & everyones entitled to their opinion, and the Author can do what they want with the feedback.
As Ange said, Roodeye has definitely breathed a bit of life into the Crirtique section, and it's nice to see a few more people taking an interest as far as I'm concerned.
Steve I preferred you when you had a moustache.