Epìsode 1 excerpt

Basically, it's about an Australian lay catholic priest who comes to England and takes over a church after the previous priest dies. I've written three episodes but I haven't named the comedy yet. Thanks in advance.

Episode 1

SCENE 1. INT. ST. JAMES' CHURCH RECTORY – TUESDAY NIGHT (9.30.)

ON THE TV THERE'S A THRILLER ABOUT A KILLER
(LATE-TWENTIES.) HE IS OUTSIDE IN THE GARDEN,
PEERING THROUGH THE WINDOW. ON THE CURTAIN WE
SEE A SILHOUETTE OF A CLENCHED HAND HOLDING A
KNIFE. INSIDE THE HOUSE A MOTHER AND TWO DAUGHTERS
ARE WATCHING TV. THERE IS A GAP IN THE CURTAIN
THROUGH WHICH THE KILLER PEEKS. OUTSIDE, IT'S
THUNDER AND LIGHTNING.

THE CAMERA PANS OUT AND WE SEE MRS GREEN
(HOUSEKEEPER – LATE TWENTIES, PRETTY) WHO
IS BABYSITTING A NEIGHBOUR'S DAUGHTERS (CHLOE,
11, AND SYLVIA, 12.) THEY ARE ALL HUDDLED ON THE
SOFA IN THE LIVING ROOM WATCHING THE TV THRILLER.
SUDDENLY CHLOE GLANCES AT THE WINDOW.

CHLOE:

(SCREAMING AND POINTING AT THE
WINDOW) He's out there, look!

THE OTHERS FOLLOW HER FINGER. THEY SEE THE
OUTLINE OF A FACE PEERING THROUGH THE WINDOW
AND THE SILHOUETTE OF A KNIFE ON THE CURTAIN.
MRS GREEN DRAWS THE TWO FRIGHTENED CHILDREN CLOSER.

SUDDENLY LIGHTNING ILLUMINATES THE FACE AND WE SEE
A MAN SMILING. THE THREE OF THEM SCREAM, THEN
JUMP TO THEIR FEET SIMULTANEOUSLY, EACH OF THEM
HOLDING UP A CUSHION READY TO THROW IT.

MRS GREEN:

Don't come any closer. Or we'll
attack.

THE MAN SPEAKS BUT HIS VOICE IS MUFFLED. HE
POINTS IN THE DIRECTION OF THE LIVING ROOM DOOR
AND GESTURES OPENING IT.

CHLOE:
Eh?

THE MAN REPEATS HIS ACTIONS.

MRS GREEN:

I think he wants us to open the
front door.

Sylvia:

We could stand behind the door then
stab him to death when he comes in.

THE OTHER TWO STARE BEMUSED AT SYLVIA. SHE
SHRUGS HER SHOULDERS.

Sylvia: (CONT.)

What? I saw a trailer for it on the
internet. The three women stab him
to death then eat his heart. You
see, they were witches…

MRS GREEN:

Don't tell me the rest. You'll spoil
the surprise ending. Let's go to the
door and see who it is.

THEY TIPTOE THROUGH THE HALL, HOLDING THEIR
CUSHIONS. THE DOOR KNOCKS.

Sylvia:

We've got knives and we're going to
eat your heart.

THE OTHER TWO GIVE HER ODD LOOKS.

Sylvia: (CONT.)

(WHISPERING) You have to make him
feel scared.

CHLOE:

Yeah, I can just hear his teeth
chattering.

MAN: (OOV)

(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)I'm Father
Maccaffrey. From Cairns, Ausralia.
I'm the new priest for this parish.

MRS GREEN:

I thought you were coming tomorrow.

MAN/FATHER MACCAFFREY: (OOV)

They cancelled the connecting flight
from Singapore to London. So I had
the choice of going later or taking
the next available flight on another
airline. So here I am.

Sylvia:

How do we know you haven't killed
the real Father Maccaffrey? You might
be an imposter?

FATHER MACCAFFREY SLIPS HIS PASSPORT THROUGH
THE LETTERBOX. MRS GREEN GRABS IT.

MAN/FATHER MACCAFFREY: (OOV)

Convinced now?

THE THREE WOMEN LOOK AT THE PASSPORT. THERE'S A
PICTURE OF A HANDSOME MAN, TWENTY-EIGHT,
MEDIUM-LENGTH, WINDSWEPT BLOND HAIR.

SYLVIA:

Could be fake.

CHLOE:

Either way he's quite cute. (SHE
TURNS TO MRS GREEN.) What do you think?

SHE STUDIES THE PHOTO.

MRS GREEN:

I think I'm going to be one lucky
housekeeper.

SHE SLIPS THE PASSPORT BACK THROUGH THE
LETTERBOX AND UNLOCKS THE DOOR. FATHER MACCAFFREY
IS CARRYING A RUCKSACK, HOLDING HIS PASSPORT IN
ONE HAND, AND A FEATHER IN THE OTHER.

FATHER MACCAFFREY:

G'day. I'm Father Maccaffrey.

HE GIVES THE FEATHER TO MRS GREEN.

FATHER MACCAFFREY: (CONT.)

(SMILING) I found this swan feather
in the garden. Take it as a peace
offering.

MRS GREEN SMILES, TAKES THE FEATHER AND STROKES HER
CHEEK WITH IT.

MRS GREEN:

Accepted. (SHE TURNS TO THE GIRLS IN
TURN) Put the weapons away girls. He
comes in peace. (TO FATHER
MACCAFFREY) You're soaked. You'd
better come in and get undressed.
You'll need a hot bath.

CHLOE:

(TO FATHER MACCAFFREY) She doesn't
waste much time, does she?

FATHER MACCAFFREY ENTERS. MRS GREEN CLOSES THE DOOR
BEHIND HIM. THE THREE FEMALES STAND IN FRONT OF
HIM.

FATHER MACCAFFREY:

(TO MRS GREEN) MRS GREEN, I suppose?

CHLOE:

So her reputation's reached
Australia, has it?

MRS GREEN:

(LOOKS DOWN AT CHLOE) Did we finish
that math homework you were supposed
to do?

CHLOE:

(WHISPERING TO FATHER MACCAFFREY)And
she likes torture.

How about calling it: GRAVES END.

Nice one Lime5000, I'll take it into consideration. Thanks. BTW. Anybody know why I've got a sad yellow face in the script?

Quote: alex mahon @ October 24 2009, 10:38 PM BST

BTW. Anybody know why I've got a sad yellow face in the script?

View original

FATHER MACCAFFREY: (CONT.)

In between the Y and the C above is : ) which when close together translates (via BB code) to a sad face.

Answer - put a space between the colon and the bracket like this:

FATHER MACCAFFREY: (CONT.) - and it's gone.

Quote: Morrace @ October 24 2009, 10:48 PM BST

FATHER MACCAFFREY: (CONT.)

In between the Y and the C above is : ) which when close together translates (via BB code) to a sad face.

Answer - put a space between the colon and the bracket like this:

FATHER MACCAFFREY: (CONT.) - and it's gone.

View original

I still can't get over Rhubarb Rhubarb..

Sorted. Thanks for the advice folks.

Quote: LIME5000 @ October 24 2009, 10:50 PM BST

I still can't get over Rhubarb Rhubarb..

View original

I still can't get over:

Quote: LIME5000 @ October 6 2009, 3:11 AM BST

I think you've been on the Giggle juice for too long pal. I know Squirrel style. I'm ready for that war!

View original

Morrace and Lime

The banter is going way over my head. Can you elaborate?

Yes. *WIGGLE*

Eh?

The kids are a lot of fun, but there are a few things to look out for.

I can't see anyone wanting to go to the expense of filming a TV movie sequence for a few seconds screen time. If someone is watching a film on the telly it is best to specify an existing film.

The Priest's explanation of why he is early is a big clunky chunk of exposition. (I have exactly the same problem with a script I am working on - and I have just worked out how to solve it - ha!)

The housekeeper telling him to get undressed and take a hot bath strikes me as an unrealistic comedy cliche.

Anyway, my tuppence for what it is worth.

Thanks Timbo. What I posted was an excerpt from an episode of a comedy series. Should I post the whole episode or post it in excerpts?

I would suggest posting a bit at a time in the same thread.

Here's another excerpt.

MRS GREEN:
(TO FATHER MACCAFREY) Take no notice
of her. (SHE POINTS TO THE BATHROOM
FURTHER UP THE HALL) You go and have
a bath then change into some dry
clothes. You must be exhausted.

FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Absolutely. I'll sleep like a log
tonight, I reckon.

MRS GREEN:
I just hope you don't snore. Your
predecessor, Father Stevens, snored
like a chainsaw.

FATHER MACCAFFREY:
Don't think I snore.

MRS GREEN:
Good. Now off you go.

WHILE FATHER MACCAFFREY GOES TO CHANGE, THE
THREE FEMALES RETURN TO THE LIVING ROOM AND SIT
ON THE SOFA, THE GIRLS ON EITHER SIDE OF MRS GREEN.
THE TV IS SHOWING ADVERTS. MRS GREEN TAKES THE REMOTE
CONTROL WHICH IS LYING ON THE SOFA AND TURNS
DOWN THE VOLUME.

SYLVIA:

(TO MRS GREEN)My mum says he's not a real
priest. Do you think you'll marry
him before he becomes one?

MRS GREEN:

Technically he's a priest. He has to
go through four years of vocational
training to know all there is to
know about religion. Only difference
is he's not been ordained. And no.
I'm not going to marry him. One
marriage was enough.

CHLOE:

Do you think you'll ever get
married again?

MRS GREEN:
Doubt it. Anyway, let's watch some
telly. The Top Ten Children's
Programmes is on again. You both
liked that.

CHLOE:
Yeah, the first three times.

MRS GREEN:

Then what do you want to do?

SYLVIA:

How about I Spy? And I'll go first.

CHLOE:

Go on then.
SYLVIA:

Right. I spy, with my little eye,
something that begins with 'g'.

CHLOE:

Gnome.

SYLVIA:

Where do you see a gnome?

CHLOE:

In the garden.

SYLVIA:
It has to be something you can see
here. Like in this room.

CHLOE:
Green.

SYLVIA:
Oh for goodness sake. Green's an
adjective. It has to be a noun.

CHLOE:
Green gnome.

SYLVIA:
I don't believe this. Have you ever
played this game?

CHLOE:
When I was seven. It's so childish.

(cont.)

I think your characters are great and I like the set-up. One change you could make is instead of Chloe saying:

"CHLOE:

(TO FATHER MACCAFFREY) She doesn't
waste much time, does she?"

She should say it under her breath to Sylvia.