Ronnie Anderson's MA sitcom extract

Firstly I've just noticed I have several spelling mistakes in the title (including my f**king name) but I don't know how to alter it.

I have to hand in three MA sitcoms on Wednesday. I have used the critiquing servies of some kind volenteers (Kevin Murphy) for one of them so I shan't bother him again.

The sitcom is about two unemployable charity shop workers Danny and Jessica. They are managed by power obsessed dullard Pam. A post has come up for a paid positon in the charity shop.

INT.SHOP FLOOR.DAY
Pam, forty five, old fashioned hair, tries to move with authority but fails, is stood at the till. Jessica, thirty, religious, dressed in bright charity shop clothes walks over.

JESSICA
Pam, this job that's going.

PAM
Are you interested?

JESSICA
Definitely not. I wouldn't betray Danny. But I was wondering if I could arrange to have a chat about it with you.

PAM
Did you want an interview?

JESSICA
No, nothing like an interview.

PAM
So, what kind of chat?

JESSICA
One where I tell you why I'd be most suitable for the job.

PAM
An interview?

JESSICA
Could we say it's me interviewing you?

PAM
No. So, you don't want an interview?

JESSICA
Could we have a meeting about the-

PAM (FIRM)
Do you want an interview?

JESSICA
Only because you've brought it up. I've not thought about it or anything.

PAM
I'll book you in for one.
Debbie picks some papers from the top of a shelf.

JESSICA
Oh, here's my CV, four written references and a variety of certificates for academic excellence.

Jessica hands Pam a stack of papers.

INT.PAM'S OFFICE.DAY

Pam and Jessica talk.

PAM
Sell me the pen.

JESSICA
Okay. Hello. I'd start off with a nice leisurely chat and get to know the customer.

PAM
Very good.

JESSICA
Are you okay today Mrs Burrows?

PAM
Fine, thank you.

JESSICA
Oh good. It's nice to see you're getting over your divorce.

PAM
Jessica that's not relevant.

JESSICA
I was trying to connect.

PAM
Don't mention the divorce. It's not even happening now...starting again. Hi.

JESSICA
Hi Mrs Burrows. I'd just like to say I'm really glad you've not let your husband's affair ruin your life. Did you want to buy a pen?

PAM
No I've got lots of them.

JESSICA
But this is a good biro.

PAM
What's so special about it.

JESSICA
Nothing much but if it was, it wouldn't be so cheap.

Pam looks unimpressed.

JESSICA (CONT'D)
It can write basically anything words, numbers, shapes.
(WRITES WITH PEN ON NEARBY PAD)
See, I'm writing one to a hundred. Easy. Look at that lovely blue. Oooo.

Pam looks unimpressed.

JESSICA (CONT'D)
Please...just...I'm a single mum and
(HYSTERICAL)
my boss is going to sack me if I don't sell it, and me and the kids will get evicted and Darylls ecxzema's getting worse. Please.
(ON KNESS)
I don't want to sleep with my landlord. He smells of brute.
Silence.

Nice dialogue and characters. I liked the 'divorce' exchange. I don't know whether or not it affects your marks but it's a well-worn theme;

see this thread if so > > https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/12448

Thanks Morrace for reading it.

I know the charity shop sitcom has no chance whatsoever of getting on telly. I have used my masters to get all of my self indulgence out of my system and have written two others scripts which due to setting alone would never get on the air.

But the markers know f**k all about sitcom so I should be fine.

Quote: Ronnie Anderson @ October 24 2009, 12:10 AM BST

have used my masters to get all of my self indulgence out of my system

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Excellent idea

Quote: Ronnie Anderson @ October 24 2009, 12:10 AM BST

But the markers know f**k all about sitcom so I should be fine.

View original

In that case, why not send it Micheal Jacob, BBC Head of Comedy Development?

Yeah, I might do actually. Am not sure what your dealings have been with Mr Jacobs I really like him (it might even be love) he gave me some really useful feedback once. He was far more helpful than most producer type people.

Quote: Ronnie Anderson @ October 23 2009, 11:31 PM BST

. I have used the critiquing servies of some kind volenteers (Kevin Murphy) for one of them so I shan't bother him again.

View original

F**king hell, was I the only one who responded? Don't listen to me. I assumed I was one of several people who offered to read your script.

Ronnie you need to get more jokes in. Punch it up every third line or so with an actual gag, something to get people laughing out loud. The characters have to be really believeable or really exagerated, expressions like 'charity shop clothing' means that they are a bit sterotypical in your own head let alone the readers. Not easy to do three so quickly so best of luck with the markers. And is it an MA in sitcom that you are doing?????

I'd look at Pam for a start, make her a comedy character rather than just a feed for example.

But I don't think sitcoms are ever meant to be realistic or naturalistic, are they? Even The Office which pretended to be, was still quite obviously a caricature. I'm sure that sitcoms work on the basis of caricature and not reality. I'd say that line suits sitcom very well and I'd leave stuff like that in. IMO.

Quote: Roodeye @ October 24 2009, 9:08 AM BST

I'd change the line to:

"JESSICA
Hi Mrs Burrows. Did you want to buy a pen?"

Much better.

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Except now it has no joke in it.

Precisely.

Nope. Sorry. It was better as it was. Sitcom is about broad strokes not subtle nuances. The audience have to laugh out loud not smile slightly.

Quote: Roodeye @ October 24 2009, 10:02 AM BST

Is it?

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It is I am afraid. That's what sitcom is.

What Rodeye descibes is more comedy-drama than sitcom, I'd say. ?? I certainly think and hope there is a place for subtle nuances in comedy-drama, that is really where it belongs. But I would have to agree that pure sitcom is a different beast and has no room for subtle nuancing. 'Ah' I hear you cry, 'what about Yes Minister then?' - well, no, I'd say the writing was just very good and very clever, but the jokes and gags and comedy it acheived was very laugh out loud funny, there is an illusion of subtlty due to the setting and themes, but the comedy was full on sitcom funny comedy. I think. ??

Although having said that, there certainly have been very good sitcoms where the comedy has been subtle and gentle eg The Lovers, To the Manor Born, Butterflies, but probably there's been many more that have been merely so-so at best, I still think writers are taking a big risk if they plan to write a subtle and nuanced sitcom. Definitely has a place in comedy-drama though.

Quote: Alfred J Kipper @ October 24 2009, 10:39 AM BST

Although having said that, there certainly have been very good sitcoms where the comedy has been subtle and gentle eg To the Manor Born

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But they have jokes my good fellow. Some from this very site.

"You can always tell when they've been: they help themselves to After Eights and leave the wrappers. It's very embarrassing when I find myself offering a box of waste paper to the Lord Lieutenant."
(Audrey on the subject of having the staff 'in'. Episode 1:1)
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"To think that Grantleigh is in the hands of a man who has no interest in farming, doesn't go to church and now, it turns out, hasn't even heard of Winnie-The-Pooh. You think A.A. Milne is a motoring organisation, I suppose."
(Audrey speaking to Richard on the subject of his deficiencies as Lord of the Manor. Episode 1:3)

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Conversation between Audrey and Marjory concerning Richard: (Episode 1:5)
Audrey: "Don't be fooled by the suntan, and the hair attractively greying at the temples, and that mysterious aura of power."
Marjory: "You see! You do find him attractive!"
Audrey: " I am simply saying that he looks as if he's stepped straight out of Barbara Cartland. It all comes out of bottles, you know."
Marjory: "I just adore that twinkle in his eye when he looks at one!"
Audrey: "Twinkle? That's a nervous tic!"
Marjory: "Well I suppose it might be when he looks at you."

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"I am not an interest, Marjory. You make me sound like a stamp collection or a brass rubbing. I'm an infatuation."
(Audrey on the subject of Richard's feelings for her. Episode 1:6)

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"Most of our historic houses are no longer lived in by Dukes and Duchesses; they're full of Arabs and pop stars, or they've been taken over by the gas board and turned into rest houses for exhausted meter-readers."
(Audrey speaking to Bob Roberts on the subject of ancestral homes. Episode 1:7)