Sinead, you really need to cut down on the word count of your gags.
Short, sharp and to the point is best.
It'll give you more chance of success.
Watson's Wind Up - oneliners & short sketches. Page 13
I wrote the following last week having not heard the show.
I understand better now the TYPE of humour and the need for it to be concise and quicker/sharper.And more importantly than all that - FUNNIER 
and ps. a lot of the rejects posted above are pretty impressive. it'd be a waste not to post rejects here!
Here mine are anyway... (i'll also post sketches on critique)
A man who robbed a pharmacy in Ayrshire with his son's toy gun has been jailed for six years - after police identified him through his distinctive walk.
Apparently he had just attended a class in the Ministry of Funny Walks.
Royal Mail will suffer long term damage if the planned national postal strike goes ahead, Gordon Brown has warned.
Mr Brown suggested that the strikers form a mob outside every Post Office to ensure that vandals and hooligans don't cause any damage to the properties.
Train drivers are being advised by their union to reduce speeds at railway level crossings following the deaths of three people at a site in Caithness.
Their Union also advised them to drive with their lights on and to beep at crossing pedestrians.
The Scottish Daily Express claims three quarters of people claiming incapacity benefit are faking their illness.
It was disappointed with the results and outlined a 10 page guide on "HOw TO FAKE IT". The issue was a top seller in the female ages 30-to-"past it" bracket.
On Wednesday the Scottish Sun carried a report of an alleged "boozy bust up" at an amusement park involving Celtic star Scott Brown.
It was a very quiet news day.
The Financial Times says Royal Bank of Scotland is exploring a government-backed plan to give up all of its 312 RBS-branded branches in England and Wales.
The FT reported that they were willing to exchange each building for a pint of lager OR a packet of crisps. Greedy bastards.
Police investigating the source of dozens of hate letters, including one to the prime minister, have arrested a 70-year-old woman.
The woman told officers that she didn't have any hobbies and was at a loose end. Charges were dropped.
A woman paid £23,000 in benefits for being "too weak to work" was filmed running in a charity race, the Department for Work and Pensions said.
The woman protested that it was only after a considerable period of rest, coupled with eating 23 thousand pounds worth of Turkey Twizzlers that she gained the strength to waddle her way into the race.
The Scottish Liberal Democrats have launched their campaign for the Glasgow North East West - minster by-election.
North. East. West. The Lib Dems reported that they aren't taken very seriously down south.
Conservative MP David Wilshire has admitted using parliamentary expenses to pay a company he set up to run his office.
If you want a job done properly, pay yourself to do it.
Or
If you want a job done properly...
Gordon Brown says the UK will send 500 more forces personnel to Afghanistan before Christmas.
The PM offered the troops a Happy Christmas and an explosive new year.
The head of the Commons Public Accounts Committee has branded the EU farm subsidies system as a "masterclass of misadministration".
He went on to criticise the EU body for adopting a British organisational structure.
MPs report that adults with autism in England are not adapting well to modern life.
It has been proposed that the autistic adults be sent to Glasgow where they'd fit in better.
Alan Shearer is to take over the helm of the Sir Bobby Robson Foundation, the charity has revealed.
Shearer agreed to accept the job after a dream in which a magpie sat on his shoulder and told him to "get up off his lazy arse".
A police committee chairman has warned that a cut in funding for Ports in south-west Scotland could leave them "vulnerable" to criminals.
He has asked for an increase in his funding.
The international clan gathering held in Edinburgh as part of the Year of Homecoming made a £600,000 loss.
The Organisers had said demand for tickets had been "phenomenal".
Archaeologists in Germany believe they have traced a mass grave of soldiers who fought in a 17th Century battle under an Aldi supermarket.
Aldi is said to be delighted with the news and have introduced their Halloween specials a week early.
A British soldier killed in a blast near the main UK military base in Afghanistan on Thursday was said by his commanding officer to be "superb".
The commanding officer also described the soldier as a "good sport" and wished him the very best with his future.
If one of your submissions is selected, do you recieve notification by email, or do you listen to the Friday show?
Thanks
Quote: Mook @ October 21 2009, 9:38 PM BSTIf one of your submissions is selected, do you recieve notification by email, or do you listen to the Friday show?
Thanks
I wasn't told last week - I just listened to the show.
Just listen to the show
I don't think they let you know in advance
Thanks R.J and Steve Sunshine.
Didn't receive an email regarding last weeks submissions, but this week recieved an email. I'll listen again this week. Just maybe....
You don't get any notice that you're on the show.
You simply listen to the show on the Friday.
Then eventually you'll receive a contract to sign and return. Usual legal stuff, you know, signing to say you're the copyright holders of your material, etc.
No acknowledgement this week. I wonder if they've been swamped with material since it's appeared on the Writer's Room site. Or maybe it didn't arrive at all.
I'm glad it's not just me.
They won't stop me trying though!
I dare say it's to do with the Writersroom mention.
Well, good luck everybody. Let's home more of the BCG crowd get on this week.
>Do you receive notification by email, or do you listen to the Friday show?
The general rule with topical comedy seems to be - you find out when it's 'shown'. They're usually to busy finishing up the show to bother with us 'contributing writers'; if it's good its in - you can find out when you hear it, if its bad it's out - you find out when you don't. The turnaround's just to fast to give feedback.
The only middle ground is when your stuff is good/made rehearsal, but can't be broadcast because it's too long/similar to other stuff/litigious/etc. Then if the producer's very nice they might send you a quick line of encouragement or advice.
(For the record Philip Differ is the nice kind - actually got an encouraging "On the right lines" response today. (Which I assume means I'm not in, but as I sent a fair number of things I'm still hopeful one thing might have...)
All of which proves, whether or not you get a response you'll still listen to the show wondering if you'll hear your jokes. (Or if you skip to the credits first - wondering what they used/why they didn't )
Philip seems cool. He bothered to write back to me, explaining why my material wasn't appropriate - not snappy/topical/Scots enough.
Bretheren, Cistern,
This week's Lady gagas - best of luck if you're submitting.
Cheers,
Tam
John Smeaton's election campaign came under fire this week when he was accused by rivals of failing to tackle the burning issues.
A football fan from Dumfries failed to change his name to 'Queen of the South' this week following a copyright injunction from Dale Winton.
Gary Caldwell fell foul of the Celtic support this week when he was caught singing for its a 20-grand old team to play for.
In a live radio interview the Prime Minister revealed a weakness for chocolate biscuits, prompting opposition calls of 'Taxi for Brown'.
In a bid to prevent his extradition to the US, Glaswegian computer hacker Gary McKinnon has received a letter of support from the leader of Scotland's hacking community, Colin Montgomerie.
"It is absolutely ridiculous to compare Kenny McAskill to a great Indian leader" - the words this week of Labour's Shadow Finance Secretary, Gandhi Kerr.
The Rabbi of Britain's oldest synagogue quit this week following his role in a demo about the financial crisis. He later apologised saying he thought the event was to raise funds for mortgages in the West Bank.
The Orange Order say they will work with any political party to secure the Union and have sought support from prominent orange politicians Ken Maginnis, David Trimble and Tommy Sheridan.
136,000 chickens died this week during a break-in at a poultry farm near Edinburgh. Police say the infiltrators will be charged with henocide.
A campaign to highlight Liver Disease was launched at Bute House where Alex Salmond and guests lunched on champagne and foie gras.
Fabio Capello threw a metal tray against a wall when he caught an England player texting in the Ukraine prompting fears of another orange revolution.
The Liverpool fan responsible for throwing a beach-ball on to the field which resulted in his team losing a goal has been identified as a Mr. Rick O'Shea.
David Beckham's healthy food range is failing to sell in the US and has been described by critics as pish-poor-posh-nosh.
IKEA management in Glasgow say their toilet door resembling Jesus has turned into a shrine for customers looking for a miracle to assemble their furniture.
A laptop containing ideas for the new Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse comedy show was stolen from a car this week. Police have advised anyone with information to contact the Offensive Materials Unit at Scotland Yard.
Alex Salmond has warned against the worshipping of false gods after the face of Jesus was spotted in a toilet door in a Glasgow branch of Ikea. He did think, however, the image bore a strong resemblance to Kenny McAskill.
Scottish Labour this week launched a campaign to raise awareness.
IKEA management say the image on the toilet door at their Glasgow branch does not resemble Jesus but is a perfect likeness of the long-haired Swedish God, Henrik Larsson.
Walter Smith has refused to blame illness for the heavy European defeat despite several of his players suffering from the U4-R1 virus.
A mass vaccination programme got underway this week targeting vulnerable groups with underlying problems such as diabetics, the elderly and the Rangers back-four.
>In a live radio interview the Prime Minister revealed a weakness for chocolate biscuits, prompting opposition calls of 'Taxi for Brown'.
I love it! (I'm also getting rather jealous of your gag writing skills).
Great stuff again Tam
Loved the Colin Montgomerie one