Quote: Kevin Murphy @ October 9 2009, 12:10 PM BST
Is the central idea sound?
I agree, Kevvin - a great idea, however; a few things stood out for me - so many in fact, that I decided to list them.
One – First off you state , 'INT. A JOB CENTRE. DAY.' So we assume the set is built and is for all intents and purposes - a Job Centre; therefore there is no need for the Advisor's dialogue; 'Your very first visit to a job centre'. Darren knows he's in a Job Centre and the Advisor is employed by the job centre – so; ''Your very first visit' will suffice. Second thoughts – there's no need for any of it – it's superfluous. Just state in the directions that Darren is nervous, that's all you need to do.
Two – What's all this [BEAT] about? Yeah, maybe it looks cool – even cooler with the correct curved (BRACKETS), but don't worry about it, leave the short ,sharp, pauses (?) to the director – that's his/her job. Concentrate on the main job in hand, i.e., the correct format and natural dialogue. If you must denote a 'beat' use ellipses...
Three – The dialogue " A) A, B) B, C) C or D) D?" Huh? An actor has to actually read that! It looks more like Algebra! (See my interpretation in edit). Also you have a lot of unnecessary dialogue (See my...etc.)
Four – The 'British Association of Black Criminal Attorneys And Barristers' does not exist. There are similar but not with that exact (contrived) title.( Google - No results found for "British Association of Black Criminal Attorneys And Barristers".) That was contrived - and dare I say - lazy. You should research a suitable acronym as I did (See my...etc,).
Five – The punchline is is good but quite old. It was used quite a lot when 'Millionaire' first came out. I saw it used to good effect in 'Corrie'!. You can stay with the 'Millionaire' theme but something a little different for the punchline, I think.
Anyway, here's my version.
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INT. JOB CENTRE. DAY.
ADVISOR IS TYPING AT COMPUTER. DARREN APPROACHES NERVOUSLY AND TAKES A SEAT OPPOSITE THE ADVISOR WHO DOESN'T LOOK UP
.
ADVISOR:
(OFFHAND) Name?
DARREN:
I… um…
ADVISOR:
(LOOKS UP) Well?
DARREN:
I'm sorry... I'm not very good... with questions…
ADVISOR:
(TAKEN ABACK) What?
DARREN:
…unless they're multiple-choice.
ADVISOR:
Really? Oh, wait - Ah, yes, I get it - 'Millionaire'.
DARREN: (CHUFFED) That's it.
ADVISOR:- I'm a fan too - Right? - A for 'yes', B for 'no'.
DARREN:
A
ADVISOR:
Corrrr - act! Now what grade GCSE did you get for English?
DARREN:
Um…
ADVISOR:
A, B, C or D?
DARREN:
C --- (QUICKLY) --- no, it was D.
ADVISOR:
Are you sure? - A for 'yes' - 'B' for 'no'.
DARREN:
A.
ADVISOR:
(GIVES UP WITH A SIGH) Shall I put you down as Ds for everything? - A for 'yes' - B' for 'no'.
DARREN:
A.
ADVISOR:
Great. (LOOKS AT COMPUTER SCREEN) British Airways Authority - Baggage handler; BBC Television Centre - a cleaner - and the British Atomic Scientists Association needs a receptionist. So what shall it be - A - BAA? B - BBC? Or - C - BASA?
DARREN:
Can I phone a friend?
ADVISOR:
(POSITIVELY) No.
DARREN:
Why not?
ADVISOR:
(ANNOYED) You want - A - 'because you haven't got any ?' - Or - B - 'F**k Off''?
DARREN:
Can I go 'fifty-fifty'?
ADVISOR SCOWLS AND CLENCHES HIS FIST AT DARREN.
DARREN STANDS AND BACKS AWAY SCARED.
DARREN:
I... I'll take that as a B, then.
DARREN HURRIES OUT.
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