Dead and Buried

Hello all. The second scene and slightly extended first scene is now written in the almost eagerely awaited Welsh sitcom that is (changed title) Dead and Buried. It's obviously now getting quite heavy in reading terms so I will be most grateful for anybody who wades through to the end and can offer advice. Cheers!

Dead and Buried

Scene 1- A Welsh Undertakers Shop

Ext- Shop sign Mabinogion Funeral Home.

Int- Several types of coffin can be seen.
Alfred Mabinogion proprietor is sat at the counter. He's in his fifties, greying hair. He's reading a women's magazine.

Alfred
A hundred and one beauty products you can't live without. Free nasal hair remover inside.
[He takes nasal hair remover out]

Alfred
Place at base of nostril. Squeeze tight and twist sharply away from nose. Right, in for a penny.
[He places hair remover at base of nostril and tugs away sharply]

Alfred
JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY!
[He writhes in pain holding his nose]
It's an instrument of torture!

Sfx: Shop bell
[An old lady enters the shop. Alfred puts magazine and hair remover under the counter]

Alfred [Still in obvious pain]
Good morning. Alfred Mabinogion at your service. How can I help you?

Old Lady
I'd like to bury my husband.

Alfred
Oh dear, I'm terribly sorry for your…
[Whips up a price chart from beneath counter]
…loss. You'll find us very reasonable. Were you looking for something a bit special for your nearest and dearest? We do a lovely themed funeral. Only last week we buried a well known local train spotter. Nice steam engine engraved on the coffin and a guards flag draped across the top. Highly ironic that it was the train he failed to spot that got him in the end.

Old Lady
What nonsense. Waste of money. What's your basic service?

Alfred [under breath]
We could put him in a sack and chuck him in a skip.

Old Lady
I beg your pardon?

Alfred
I said 'don't worry about that, we've all prices to fit!'

Old Lady
Very well so what's the least expensive?

Alfred
We do a very reasonable oak coffin for under five hundred pounds.

Old Lady
That's your cheapest?

Alfred
Very competitive I'll think you'll find. Pay twice that in Cardiff. I'll even throw in a free nasal hair remover.
[puts it on counter]

Old Lady
Very well it'll have to do.

Alfred
Just some details then. When did he pass away?

Old Lady
Oh he's not dead.

Alfred
Not dead.

Old Lady
No.

Alfred
Work with me here.

Old Lady
But he will be soon.

Alfred
Ah, one of those horrible illness'. I'm terribly sorry.

Old Lady
Well don't be. He's only not dead because he has the uncanny ability to find his asthma pump. He suffers terribly with it you know. The next attack could kill him…if I find a good enough place to hide the damn thing.

Alfred
Remarkable.

Old Lady
I know! He sniffs it out like a blood hound. Still one must keep trying. I have a young man who does for me on a Thursday. Like a raging stallion he is and Derek, well Derek just interferes. It'll be better for him this way. I'll make a deposit then. Here's ten pounds.

Alfred
A whole ten pounds.
[shouting to off stage]
Colin fetch in the savings book!

Old Lady
I don't need to be there do I?

Alfred
Where?

Old Lady
At the funeral.

Alfred
Duw no. Shudder the thought. We'll take care of everything. But that is extra on the deposit. It has to be a hundred I'm afraid. Running costs and admin.

Old Lady
That's extortion!

Alfred
Maybe, but it's not murder is it now.
[Enter Colin with book. He walks slowly to the counter and puts the book overly gently on the top. He then backs away, bows and leaves.]

Old Lady
Is he alright?

Alfred
He's Di-Polar.

Old Lady
Di-Polar?

Alfred
Yes, it's the Welsh version of bi-polar. Normally bi-polar sufferers are slow of thought and deed for half the time but then hyper-active, intelligent, dare I say it bordering on the genius for the other half. However Colin only has the first half. Or he's just peculiar. Take your pick really. Cash cheque or credit card?

Old Lady
Cash

Alfred
You know I told myself there had to be something I'd like about you. If you'll just put your name and address in the book.
[She writes in book]
A headstone?
[She looks up]
Silly me. Right that should do you for now. When Derek finally loses his title as the world's greatest hide and seek player do let us know.
[Enter Rhian]

Rhian
Hello you old skin flint

Alfred
Hello tart
[She goes through shop and disappears through a door behind the counter. Old lady looks at them both quizzically]
It's my daughter. She's having it off with an [beat] Englishman.

Old Lady
Good for her

Alfred
I thought you would approve
[Old lady turns and leaves]
Bye bye! Die soon.

[Alfred picks up the phone and dials]

Hello can I speak to Seargent Meyrick?
[beat]

Steve, its Alfred. You know you were telling me that your arrest rates have been down lately, well how does attempted murder sound?
[beat]

Yes name, address everything. Now Steve, we both know you've got Gareth 'I want to listen to Radio 3 in the bath' Jenkins down the morgue and I would be very happy if you sent the grieving widow my way for a bit of tlc and a whacking great funeral to follow.
[beat]

I know your uncle owns the funeral parlour in Blaencwm but he's not giving you a hot tip is he.
[beat]

Afford it? Have you forgotten that the widow Jenkins has a large endowment, including a priceless pair of magnificent breasts.
[Beat]

Ok Call around later and I'll give you the necessary.
[Alfred puts down phone. Rhian enters]

Rhian
What you up to you old schemer?

Alfred
Just a nice bit of business.
[He rips page out of savings book and pockets money]
Now, how are my books looking?

Rhian
Amazing really. You don't seem to make any money.

Alfred
Less for the taxman to lay his hands on you see.

Rhian
For twenty-five years! They don't bear close scrutiny. I won't put my name to your accounts. I will not tarnish my reputation by helping you to cook your books.

Alfred
Hell woman you'll be the ruin of me!

Rhian
You will have to show a profit dad. I have no idea how you've got away with it till now but they will get you in the end.

Alfred
Showing a profit always gives me gas

Rhian
I don't care. Now haven't you got a wedding to go to?

Alfred
I suppose. Just make sure Tweedle Dum and Dummer get away to that funeral on time. I don't trust them.

Rhian
Go and get changed. Go on! They'll be fine.
[He exits]

Scene 2
Int: Alfred is tying his tie whilst looking in the mirror. He is in his private office. He has changed into his wedding suit. He raises his nose with his hand and peers up his nostrils.

Alfred
Why do men get hair in such unnatural places? I mean look at it up there. Reminiscent of the darker reaches of the Amazon.

[He strokes the hair on his ears outwards.]
I swear to God they're whiskers

[He looks suspiciously at the nasal hair remover which is now sitting on his desk]

Alfred
Now look here you, we've had one run in today, do you think you could be a bit gentler the second time around?
[He picks up hair remover and he steady's his hand as he places under one of his nostrils]

Alfred
Ok Alfred its only pain. It'll all be worth it when you're tucked up with the delectable Gwynneth Harris tonight. 'How smooth and hairless you are' she'll say. At least she bloody better had.
[He lifts up nostrils and is about to trim away when there's a knock at door]

Sfx: Knock at door

Alfred
Go away! I'm busy

Meyrick
It's Sergeant Meyrick.

Alfred
Oh Christ. Come in!
[Meyrick enters]

Meyrick
Hello Alfred how's business?

Alfred
Mainly terrible

Meyrick
Don't give me that you old fraud. I bet you're doing alright for yourself.

Alfred
You wouldn't happen to know anything about unwanted facial hair by any chance? Gwynneth has been nagging me to go and have one of these male beauty treatments. She says it's like kissing a Yeti. A coconut anti-ageing facial she called it. Last time I saw a coconut I was aiming a small ball at it. Forty-five quid! So I got one of these nasal hair things. Strangely enough forty-five pounds cheaper. I think they were invented by the Spanish Inquisition.

Meyrick
Alfred Alfred Alfred. Male grooming is very with it these days. I mean look at me. I haven't shaved for weeks. Electrolysis. Fantastic. And feel this.
[He undoes his tunic and shirt and leans over towards Alfred]

Alfred
Do I have to?

Meyrick
Come on man I won't bite!
[Alfred feels his chest reluctantly]
Smoooooth isn't it. That's a full body wax that. I'm as bald as my Uncle Gladwin under this uniform. The wife loves it. Says it improves my performance. Less friction see.

Alfred
Bloody hell man, I only want some facial hair removed. That sounds more like you've been napalmed.

Meyrick
Have it done once Alfred and you'll never look back.

Sfx: Knock at door

Alfred
Go away.
[Rhian enters accompanied by Colin and Elvis]

Alfred
Didn't you hear me?

Rhian
Perfectly. I thought you'd want to see the boys before they left for their first SOLO job. I got them these cravats. Don't they look good DAD!

Alfred
Very nice. Now look you two…

Rhian
Don't they look smart? DAD!

Alfred
Alright alright you look smart now get out of here or you'll be late.

Rhian
That's the best I can do I'm afraid lads. Let's go. By the way I took the money out of petty cash.
[they leave]

Alfred
Christ that girl will have me bankrupt before the years out!

Meyrick
Don't come the poor man with me Alfred Mabinogion. Everybody knows you're minted.

Alfred
Well I'm less minted since you've become sergeant and are heartily recommending the Blaencwm Funeral Home to the grieving relatives. Which I may add is some three miles further away from the police station.

Meyrick
Well William's my uncle. My dad would be devastated if I let Dyfed's favourite undertaker go under.

Alfred
Now you listen here matey. I sponsored the police choir last year and made a generous donation to the Christmas box.

Meyrick
Technically I would not describe your BOGOF offer as sponsorship. Bury One and Get One Free is not everybody's idea of a great sponsorship deal. And the Victorian style mince pies you donated were so far past their sell by date as to be practically authentic.

Alfred
Mince never goes bad

Meyrick
Anyway, we gave you two tickets to the Christmas concert.

Alfred
Yes, well, it's your choir that disproves the rule that everyone in Wales can sing. Your top tenors sounded like they were having their testicles massaged by a cheese grater. There were more choir members than audience and everyone left after the raffle at half time. Including three of the choir. What I want from you is some business. Now what about this murderous old bat?

Meyrick
Well to be honest Alfred I'd like you to bury that if possible. You're supposed to be good at that sort of thing.

Alfred
I thought you needed to get your arrests up.

Meyrick
Well two weeks ago I would have said yes but they're downsizing the force in this area and nearly all the boys are being relocated to Swansea.

Alfred
So how many are staying?

Meyrick
Well… one.

Alfred
One

Meyrick
Yes

Alfred
It's you isn't it.

Meyrick
Could be.

Alfred
I see where this is going. You'll be your own boss. Nobody looking over your shoulder. Cushy number until pension day. But, if a little crime was to pop up then they might consider leaving a few more in the area. Well Sergeant Meyrick I can be persuaded to conveniently forget what I heard today, but you rarely get a free lunch now.

Meyrick
What about I send the next two bodies your way.
[Alfred coughs]

Meyrick
Three
[Alfred coughs]

Meyrick [exasperated]
Well how many then?

Alfred
I'm not a greedy man. Every third one.

Meyrick
What?

Alfred
That's about what it was before you came sidling along. Think of those long lie-ins and liquid lunches you could have. Money for nothing and your kick backs for free!

Meyrick
Ok. Every third one. You drive a hard bargain.

Sfx: Knock at door
[Rhian opens door]

Rhian
Cars here.

Alfred
Right. Mums the word then Sergeant Meyrick.

Meyrick
Good man
[Meyrick leaves]

Rhian
You look lovely dad.

Alfred
Thank you dear.

Rhian
If a little hairy

Alfred
Great.
[He walks out of office into the shop area. He walks passed Elvis and Colin who are standing to attention and ignores them. He walks out of shot and then returns]

Alfred
Don't cock it up!
[Alfred leaves]

End of scene 2

It has a nice feel to it and the characterisation is pretty good but the funny seems to grind to a near halt in the second scene. Also, some of the dialogue could do with cleaning up for example "Alfred: Don't cock it up!". It's such a cliché and isn't even needed so I would cut it if I were you. I also thought the way you introduced that Alfred was going to a wedding in the first scene seemed a little shoe-horned in there, so maybe you could work on making it feel a little more natural.

Overall I thought it was good read and pretty much all of the problems I came across can be resolved with re-drafting so nothing major.

I liked the bit with the woman planning murder, but other bits were a bit predictable (as in a dodgy BBC Three show) or not 'funny' as such (as in they might raise a small smile). Nothing terrible that another draft couldn't tidy up.

Saying that though it's better than anything I could probably think up.

I like the general idea, the characters seem ok and likeable and titles good.

More?

Basically I mean I liked it

I really think you're on to something with this. Alfred is great and the others are likeable and I could definitely see myself enjoying watching this. I can't think of a good skinflint comedy since Open All Hours and I think we're about due. Alfred has a bit of Arkwirght about him but is different enough to be his own character. I like the murderous old woman bit especially. I only have two criticisms:-
1) The line where Rhian says she won't cook his books, because it didn't come across that he'd asked her to, so it seemed a bit out of place.
2) Just a note that there are only one or two 'big' laughs in it, and they are in the first scene, but saying that it has a nice on-going gentle humour to it, and if the next big laugh came in the following scene I think it would be ok.
Good luck with it, would be interested to read more.

Thanks all so far for plodding through. Agree with statement about wedding Chris. There needs to be a reference earlier on so it doesn't seem contrived. Also the 'Don't cock it up' phrase is losable for sure. I might just get Colin to salute as Alfred walks passed. Don't know yet
And thanks for the kind words guys it's not easy this and I crap myself every time I post a scene. However I get a much better idea where things are wrong by doing it this way.

I loved the first half but from then on it seemed to drag on a bit, without much nudge nudge wink wink.
Bloody good, in my estimation. But it needs a bit more work. (says the total amateur me)