Modern Day Freaks of Nature

I'm feeling judgemental today, so I thought I'd put together my own rogues gallery of modern day freaks.

Middle Aged Duckling - a middle aged man who follows his elderly mother around small town shopping centres. She still treats him as a child and he still acts like one.

Fat Barrows - very overweight people who use those elderly electric buggys to get around, not because they're paralysed or have shattered spines, but because they're obesely heavy, lazy and 'their knees hurt'. You can often see them in convention centres, yes, they use them indoors as well.

Speak and Spell Girls - two teenage girls who sit next to each other on public transport constantly texting. They bellow out who they are currently texting and why and then read out the texts they get back excitedly to each other. This goes on for hours and hours and hours.

Matching Couples - mainly a European and American phenomenon but catching on over here. Couples who wear the exact same clothing as each other. Brightly coloured jumpers and matching ski jackets are the worst culprits. They are Borg.

Bird People - small, thin, twitching nervous folk that look upon everyone and everything with incredible suspicion. Whenever given food and drink, they do this weird quick sniff and pull away like animals do, they also become highly competitive on public transport and dart in front of you to get on the bus / train first.

Please feel free to name some freaks of your own.

Quote: Renegade Carpark @ October 12 2009, 3:36 PM BST

Fat Barrows - very overweight people who use those elderly electric buggys to get around, not because they're paralysed or have shattered spines, but because they're obesely heavy, lazy and 'their knees hurt'. You can often see them in convention centres, yes, they use them indoors as well.

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Quote: Renegade Carpark @ October 12 2009, 3:36 PM BST

Matching Couples - mainly a European and American phenomenon but catching on over here. Couples who wear the exact same clothing as each other. Brightly coloured jumpers and matching ski jackets are the worst culprits.

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You mean Howard and Hilda ?

Forgot to add one more -

Teenage Mother Alzhiemers - young girls who have a baby and get their baby's name tattooed on their bodies. Why? Are they going to forget the names of their children? It's nice to know they're blowing £70 of the child benefit on having some unnecessary body art.

Squatters - People so obese the only chance they get to see their genitalia is when they squat over a mirror.

Suicide bummers - Matt Lucas's ex is one example of this.

Closet Straights - No-one should be worried about being gay thesedays, quite rightly. But Closet Straights are another matter, however. These are the young men (usually white, usually middle-class) who superficially are as camp as Christmas, but on further enquiry inexplicably turn out to be straight. They are usually called Benjy or Jamie or Zach or Benjy or Sam or Benjy or Josh or Benjy.

They tend to hang around with groups of "outrageous" girls and are often best of friends with the chubby one with glasses. They conform to every single gay stereotype yet apparently only have sex with girls. (However, it is best not to point this out to them, even if they are trying it on with the girl you fancy.)

Bible Thumpers and Pray Tv actors and watchers. Oh yes you know them, god's will folks!! Yes some thing just mugged you and it was god's will.

VIEWERS BEWARE http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mhsp5JjohaE

Quote: Tim Walker @ October 12 2009, 3:51 PM BST

Closet Straights - No-one should be worried about being gay thesedays, quite rightly. But Closet Straights are another matter, however. These are the young men (usually white, usually middle-class) who superficially are as camp as Christmas, but on further enquiry inexplicably turn out to be straight.

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Yeah, I've met these types in pubs, usually the only bloke at a table full of women. They are weird. You'd swear blind that they were chutney ferrets and then the next thing you know, they're snogging a bird.

To go with your Closet Straights, how about -

Closet Drag Queens - very straight, very masculine rugby playing blokes who can't wait to throw on a frock at the tiniest of provocations. Pimps and hookers parties, school disco nights, stag nights, vicars and tarts, Halloween - you name it and they can't wait to shove on make up and heels. If you have a sexual fetish, great, but do you need to exhibit it in the pub?

Quote: Renegade Carpark @ October 12 2009, 4:02 PM BST

Yeah, I've met these types in pubs, usually the only bloke at a table full of women. They are weird. You'd swear blind that they were chutney ferrets and then the next thing you know, they're snogging a bird.

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Maybe they're doing that thing we discussed yesterday!
To pull the laydeez.

'Passengers On The Good Ship Wetherspoons'

The people who seem to spend their entire lives in Wetherspoon pubs. They eat their breakfast, lunch and dinner there, whilst slowly but steadily consuming alcohol all day. They're like pilgrims on some mad journey to oblivion and come in all shapes and sizes - but they share in common the same look of sick, futile despair. I suspect many of them conduct all the major events of life within the confines of Wetherspoons - births, marriages, divorces, deaths. funerals. They are like a section of the community that has been cast adrift by the rest of society.

Sunshine Frontsteppers:

Only found on rough council estates. These are people who, in the summertime, prefer to sit outside on their front doorstep rather than the privacy of their back gardens. A lot of Sunshine Frontsteppers take the idea further, and actually put bouncy castles / paddling pools in the front garden or yard so as to keep the kids front of house too.
This is because Sunshine Frontsteppers are so unutterably bored of life that they're terrified of missing anything that might be going on in the street, eg: Next door's alsation being taken away for savaging their toddler, drugs busts etc.
Sunshine Frontsteppers also use sitting on their front step as a method of starting arguments with unwary passers-by. Whatever you do, don't accidentally look one in the eye, for the dreaded words "What the f**k you lookin' at?" will swiftly follow.

Quote: zooo @ October 12 2009, 4:06 PM BST

Maybe they're doing that thing we discussed yesterday!
To pull the laydeez.

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Nail on head I reckon. Much easier to get closer to women as they'll most probably treat you as though you were another girl.

I always quite like it in American films when people sit on their front steps in Brooklyn or wherever, watching the kids playing in the street.

But yes, not quite the same in an English shitty estate.

Quote: zooo @ October 12 2009, 4:06 PM BST

Maybe they're doing that thing we discussed yesterday!
To pull the laydeez.

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It's more likely they grew up in a female dominated household and have had their overt masculinity crushed at every possible opportunity. Freaks.

Speaking of freaks -

Silent Couples - people who've been in a relationship for far, far too long. They sit silently through dinner at a restaurant, eavesdropping on everyone else's conversations in the hopes of hearing something exciting or interesting. They're almost surrounded by an atmosphere of death and despair.

The Shy Girlfriend - the new girlfriend of one of your mates, who gives you a curt smile, refuses to interact with anyone and sits there looking pissed off the whole time. Your mate says 'She's just shy.' No, she's a stuck up cow who's sucking the life out of the room. By 10pm 'she's tired', so off they go, thank God.

Quote: Moonstone @ October 12 2009, 4:15 PM BST

Nail on head I reckon. Much easier to get closer to women as they'll most probably treat you as though you were another girl.

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Does this bra suit me, Benjy?