Soft Toy sketch

Int. Janey’s Bedroom

Bedroom is rammed full of soft toys, a chest of drawers and a bed. Janey, 38, enters with Ellie, 8. Janey is slightly obese, wearing a large floral dress and sporting a pink Barbie backpack. Ellie is wearing a plain dress. They start looking at the toys.

Jayne: Here it is! The biggest collection of soft toys this side of the Toys R Us in Bridlington

Ellie: (In awe) Are all these yours, Auntie Jayne?!

Jayne: (Proudly) Aye, I’ve been collecting them all my life. Soft toys is my life, y’see.

Ellie starts looking up at one grotesque looking doll in a glass case.

Ellie: Whats that one doing up there? Its not a soft toy.

Jayne: Ah well that’s a very special toy. It’s the first one I ever got.

Ellie: Can I see it?

Jayne: No no, dear. It’s not safe (Crouches down to Ellies level) It was made with too much lead in it. It killed a couple of kiddies in Bradford and also caused….

Jayne starts holding her head in pain

Jayne: (Continues) caused…some…(groans in pain)

Jayne goes over to the chest of drawers and takes out a bottle of pills. She takes one and swallows it.

Jayne: (Calming down) It also caused mental problems in others.

Ellie looks disturbed by this.

Jayne: (Moving on) Well look, Ellie, I’ve got something fun for you.

Jayne gets a pair of ‘goggle eye’ glasses out of the chest of drawers and puts them on. She turns rounds with her ‘eyes’ hanging out on springs and starts waving her hands about

Jayne: (Faux Terror) My eyes! My eyes!

Jayne pauses, with her eyes swinging about, and suddenly straightens up.

Jayne: (Seriously) I remember screaming the exact same thing as the lead started eating away at my retinas. The Doctor said it’s a miracle that I can see, but I’ll be blind for sure by the time I’m 45. If not dead.

At this point some hammering is heard coming from downstairs on the front door.

PC Lock: (O.O.V)(Shouting) OPEN UP JAYNE, IT’S THE POLICE! WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE AND WE KNOW YOU’VE GOT ELLIE!

Jayne looks around anxiously and then walks over to the bedroom door and looks out of it.

Jayne: (Shouting) THERE’S NOBODY HERE. THEY’VE GONE OUT TO THE VINA COOKE’S DOLL MUSEUM.

PC Lock: (O.O.V) OPEN THE DOOR!

Jayne: (Frustrated) NO! NO! I JUST WANT A KIDDY OF ME OWN. ME BABY TUBES GOT ALL GNARLED UP BY THE LEAD AND I CAN’T HAVE ANY.

PC Lock: (O.O.V) WE’RE COMING IN

The sound of the front door being smashed down is heard. Jayne looks round at Ellie.

Jayne: (Scared) Oh shit!

said it before and I'll say it again you have a strange sence of humour winterlight and I'm warming to it more and more, good sketch.

Have you by any chance been talking to Charley recently? Just she's mentioned a "Toy Room" a lot I assume it's full of plush toys and what not.

I certainly do have a strange sense of humour.

The League of Gentleman have been a big influence on me and also on this sketch. I just like the idea of doing something a little different to the average sketch. I'd call myself a young upstart, but I'm now 25

Haven't chatted to Charley about any toy rooms either!

Yeah another good one mate, for me it sorta fizzles out a bit at the end but as the begining and middle are so good, it ain't a criticism really, just an observation!

I like this a lot, but as said by Frankie it fizzles out, you could do a great homage to ET, she could get the child to sit in the toys "Sit there!and don't breath!"

Cracking stuff!

Quote: Winterlight @ September 21, 2007, 12:59 PM

I certainly do have a strange sense of humour.

The League of Gentleman have been a big influence on me and also on this sketch. I just like the idea of doing something a little different to the average sketch. I'd call myself a young upstart, but I'm now 25

Haven't chatted to Charley about any toy rooms either!

View original

Just me then

I'm bringing this skit back like Lazarus!

I liked the premise and I enjoyed the build but couldn't abide the finish. Ending on "Oh shit!" has to be the lamest way to end a joke going. You've obviously come a long way since you wrote this and I know you can do it proud now. How about something like having Jayne pull a pocket knife on Ellie and whispering in her ear, "Can you spell taxidermy?"

Good sketch, with a weak ending. I like alot the idea of the evil doll. But how do you end it?

Yeah, I'll have a look at it. Been a long time since I've looked at that one.

Python famously almos never ended their skits.

You could segue straight into the next skit. Ellie says what's this and digs through bears, to I don't know what.

Certainly never kill a skit, cos you can't end it.

Python had a license to do stuff like that. I don't.