Hey! Leave my dog rape sketch alone! It's been through alot recently.
First Short Sketch Page 3
Sounds alright spider for your first sketch. Its short and gets straight to the material. I like the way you've tried to incorporate Rape into it.
Its a tough subject to mention without making it to much for the viewers but I like abit of Rape and making it in to something special.
I can tell you've got a weird comedy mind but most greats where strange. Keep going Spider.
As I said in my crit, ''Rape' is just a song title to the two characters - nothing else. They are oblivious to the fact that the title of the song is 'Rape'. That's why I thought it was funny. I totally agree with Giggle-o - no one in the mainstream media would touch a sketch revolving around the word 'Rape'. I did find the sketch extremely funny though - but in retrospect I think that something other than 'Rape' could be used as a song title.
So - bearing that in mind and Giggle-o's earlier comment, "who are these characters, where are they, what do they have to do with each other, what are these songs they're talking about, do they exist?... I re-wrote it, minus 'Rape'.
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INT. PUB. NIGHT. (2008)
TWO YOUNG MEN (EARLY TWENTIES) ARE SITTING AT THE BAR CHATTING. SNAKE; A SLIM UGLY GOTH DRESSED IN BLACK/PVC, ETC. JAMIE IS PLUMP, WEARING RUN-OF-THE-MILL STREET CLOTHES, COMPLETE WITH ANORAK AND GLASSES. HE IS A FAN OF SNAKE AND SNAKE KNOWS IT.
JAMIE:
So what's happening, Snake?
SNAKE:
I've got a gig tonight.
JAMIE:
Oh yeah, music, it's the love of food an' that. Where? Hope and Anchor?
SNAKE:
(POINTS UPWARD) Upstairs in the Smokin' Room.
JAMIE PUTS ON A DISAPPOINTED BUT BRAVE FACE
JAMIE:
Nice – nice one, Snake.
SNAKE:
Cheers, Jamie - but I'll only be on for about fifteen minutes, so I'll have to shorten my set a bit.
JAMIE:
What you going to kick off with?
SNAKE:
Well, I fancy doin' 'A Hard Wank' - but d'you reckon I should start with a ballad?
JAMIE:
Yeah, yeah – that'd be great. Ballad for the girls. Nice
SNAKE: (NODS)
Thought you'd say that.
JAMIE:
How about 'Gently Stroke It', followed by... (PONDERS)...
SNAKE:
(SUDDENLY INSPIRED) --- 'What You F**kin' Lookin' At'!
JAMIE:
(LOOKS UP, SCARED) Nothin', Snake – just thinkin'.
SNAKE:
Nah! My song, 'What You F**kin' Lookin' At'.
JAMIE:
(REALISES) Oh yeah, 'course! (WIDE-EYED, EXCITED) - Yeah, great - and end with the twelve-inch version of 'A Hard Wank'!
SNAKE:
I've re-titled the twelve-inch version of 'A Hard Wank'.
JAMIE:
Yeah?
SNAKE:
Yeah... 'A Long Hard Wank'.
JAMIE:
(REALLY IMPRESSED) Awww...that's inspired! Genius!
SNAKE:
(NODS) Thought you'd say that. (PONDERS) Thing is though...
JAMIE: What?
SNAKE:
Will the punters stay for 'A Long Hard Wank'?
SNAKE:
They don't usually – I mean, it was my only chart entry.
JAMIE:
Number forty-nine.
SNAKE QUICKLY PUTS A HAND OVER JAMIE'S MOUTH AND GROWLS IN A HUSHED TONE.
SNAKE:
Keep your f**kin' voice down!
SNAKE LOOKS AROUND; MAKES SURE NOBODY'S HEARD AND SITS BACK.
JAMIE:
Sorry, Snake.
SNAKE:
Remember when Chas And Dave played upstairs?
JAMIE:
Yeah - that charity do.
SNAKE:
They left 'Rabbit', 'Rabbit' right 'till the end...
JAMIE:
Saved the best 'till last.
SNAKE:
But we had to sit through a f**kin' hour and half of "Here's another new one guys!" – Jeesh!
JAMIE:
Yeah but what a gig eh?
SNAKE:
Three f**king versions of 'Snooker Loopy' - Rap, Ska and Techno – not to mention the un-f**kin-plugged one.
JAMIE:
That's four actually, including ---
SNAKE:
(INTERRUPTS) --- I never knew you could squeeze so much out of one f**kin' song!
JAMIE:
Yeah, you're right about the new ones. I couldn't remember any. You?
SNAKE:
'Totally Breathless' was one.
JAMIE:
Christ – you've got a good memory, Snake! How did you remember that?
SNAKE:
It sounded like 'A Long Hard Wank'.
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Quote: Chris Forshaw @ October 4 2009, 12:49 PM BSTHey! Leave my dog rape sketch alone! It's been through alot recently.
Thanks Morrace you have improved it greatly, love the interruptions with the two guys. It works a lot better when you can imagine how the scene looks and the minor details like The Hope And Anchor and Chas And Dave playing upstairs. Love the interaction between the two guys aswell. Its never going to be the greatest sketch but hey you gotta start somewhere right. I will come up with some more that you could maybe improve or give advice on. Maybe lay off that subject matter though eh Thankyou.
I think Morrace has improved it overall but the funniest element - an innocent song called "Rape" has gone. I say stick with talking about Rape (the song).
Quote: Badge @ October 5 2009, 12:46 AM BSTI think Morrace has improved it overall but the funniest element - an innocent song called "Rape" has gone. I say stick with talking about Rape (the song).
The punchline isn't as good (sorry Morrace) however even I felt a little bit funky about writing about rape, even though technically its got piss all to do with it. It is basically a play on words, its just 1 (ok maybe 4 or 5) of them words happened to be you know what. Thanks for the feedback really appreciate it
Quote: SpiderNugent @ October 5 2009, 12:44 AM BSThey you gotta start somewhere right.
Well, you've started!
Quote: Badge @ October 5 2009, 12:46 AM BSTI think Morrace has improved it overall but the funniest element - an innocent song called "Rape" has gone. I say stick with talking about Rape (the song).
I agree, Badge. I think that you, Spider and I are in the minority in thinking that, in this case, the use of the 'R word' is innocent. As Spider so eloquently put it, "its got piss all to do with it. It is basically a play on words".
Quote: SpiderNugent @ October 5 2009, 1:08 AM BSTThe punchline isn't as good (sorry Morrace)
Hey, don't apologise! The punchline was never going to be as good! I thought it might be an idea to build up on the 'bare bones' of a basically extremely funny sketch.
In other words; if it were me who wrote the original sketch; submitted it to a production company - and the script editor said, "Excellent, very funny Morrace – the bad news is that we can't use the word 'rape' – also, who are these characters, where are they, what do they have to do with each other, what are these songs they're talking about? If you could do a decent re-write, Morrace - a commission is in the offing!"
So the subsequent re-write (Snake & Jamie) may have done the trick! (It's worked before, yonks ago!)
All in all, a good exercise for me though!
Quote: Morrace @ October 5 2009, 2:25 AM BSTSo the subsequent re-write (Snake & Jamie) may have done the trick! (It's worked before, yonks ago!)
All in all, a good exercise for me though!
I am grateful that you took the time to expand on what I had wrote after you and Giggle O had already cleaned up my sloppy first bash by making it readable. Two days ago I didn't even know this site existed, now I think I'm getting addicted 
. I will write more in the future, if only for my own amusement.
I prefer a long hard wank to rape