swerytd
Wednesday 3rd January 2007 4:27pm [Edited]
Guildford
7,542 posts
Tom
Only read the opening scene so far, but you've overwritten (I do it myself too -- okay at first, maybe even a good thing to do, but by the time of final draft you need to cut it all out) It's very novel-ly and you need to remember you're writing a sitcom, not a novel.
Here's what you've got:
=========================================================
SCENE 1. EXT. UNIVERSITY BAMSHOO HALLS OF
RESIDENCE – DAY 1 [9.00]
WE JOIN OUR MAIN CHARACTER ALEX, A STUDENT
WITH A SHAGGY BUT QUITE STYLISH APPEARANCE, AS
HE IS WALKING ACROSS A CAR PARK TOWARDS THE
MAIN ENTRANCE OF HIS DESIGNATED HALLS OF
RESIDENCE. IT’S A BRIGHT MORNING AND THE
ENVIRONMENT IS A PLEASANT ONE. THE HALLS
THEMSELVES ARE OF A MODERN, BUT FAIRLY
ANONYMOUS DESIGN. ALEX REACHES THE TWO SETS OF
DOUBLE DOORS AND ATTEMPTS TO OPEN ONE OF THEM.
OF COURSE THE DOOR DOESN’T OPEN FIRST TIME AND
ALEX FINDS HIM SELF TRYING ALL DIFFERENT
COMBINATIONS OF PUSH AND PULL WITH ALL THE
DOORS AVAILABLE, GETTING MORE AND MORE
FRUSTRATED AS EACH TRY FAILS.
AFTER A WHILE ANOTHER STUDENT COMES FROM THE
INSIDE OF THE BUILDING OPENING ONE OF THE
DOORS WITH A PULL FIRST TIME AND WALKING ON.
ALEX CATCHES THE DOOR AND TRIES TO REGAIN SOME
DIGNITY CALLING TO THE STRANGER WHO EMPHASISED
HIS INADEQUACY.
ALEX:
Oh well you see… It’s a push door but they put a
handle on it…That’s why I was confused!
ALEX STARTS TO RAISE HIS VOICE, DESPERATE FOR
THE STRANGER TO HEAR HIS EXCUSE FOR HIS
STUPIDITY
I mean, why would you put a handle on a door which
requires a push?
LOUDER STILL
It seems unnecessary!
CUT TO:
=========================================================
and you only need to really write the following:
=========================================================
SCENE 1.
EXT. UNIVERSITY BAMSHOO HALLS OF
RESIDENCE
ALEX, A STYLISH STUDENT WALKS ACROSS A CAR PARK TOWARDS THE
MAIN ENTRANCE OF HIS MODERN HALLS OF RESIDENCE. HE REACHES SOME
DOUBLE DOORS AND ATTEMPTS TO OPEN THEM. THE DOOR DOESN’T OPEN FIRST TIME SO
HE ATTEMPTS ALL COMBINATIONS OF PUSH AND PULL WITH EACH DOOR.
ANOTHER STUDENT APPROACHES FROM THE INSIDE OF THE BUILDING, PULLS ONE OF THE
DOORS OPEN FIRST TIME AND WALKS ON.
ALEX CATCHES THE DOOR AND TRIES TO REGAIN SOME
DIGNITY.
ALEX:
(SHOUTS) It’s a push door with a
handle on it
(SHOUTS AGAIN LOUDER)
That’s why I was confused!
(SHOUTS LOUDER)
Why would you put a handle on a door which
requires a push?
(LOUDER STILL)
It seems unnecessary!
CUT TO:
=========================================================
If I get chance to read some more I will post feedback but your opening scene is suggesting a rewrite already.
BTW your layout is very good. Easily readable.
Dan