Nurse

A SENIOR NURSE STANDS IN A HOSPITAL CORRIDOR WITH A YOUNGER NURSE.

NURSE TEAM MANAGER (NTM)
Well, as long as you're feeling alright with the situation and you don't think it will affect your work then we're more than happy to have you back in the team.

NURSE
That's really nice of you to say. Right, well where do you want me?

NTM
There's a lady who's just come in for an ultrasound, she's waiting for the doctor in room 3.

THEY WALK ALONG THE HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.

NURSE
Oh, you don't know how good it feels to be back.

NTM
I can imagine, but it must have been really hard for you, what with having spent all that money on IVF [THE NURSE LOOKS AT HER AS IF SHE HAS HIT A NERVE]…right here we are, if you just go in and make her feel comfortable Dr Hussein will be here in a minute…good luck. [NTM GIVES HER AN ENTHUSIASTIC THUMBS UP]

THE NURSE WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR AND INTRODUCES HERSELF TO THE YOUNG COUPLE.

NURSE
If you could hop up on the bed and pull your top off your belly I'll just put some gel on for the ultrasound.

FEMALE PATIENT
Oh right thanks.

SHE GETS ON THE BED AND PULLS UP HER TOP; THE NURSE SQUIRTS A LOT OF GEL ON HER STOMACH.

HUSBAND
If you put anymore on you might drown the baby!

THE NURSE LOOKS AT HIM SCORNFULLY AND SNORTS.

NURSE
Right let's get this rubbed in shall we?

THE NURSE CARESSES HER STOMACH SOFTLY WITH HER HAND.

NURSE
Is it going to be your first child?

PATIENT
Yeah, we're both very nervous because it's all so new to both of us, but fingers crossed everything goes ok!

NURSE
I was meant to have my first child recently…[SHE BREAKS FROM HER SENTENCE AND LOOKS DOWN WISTFULLY] Ok, let's get this show on the road then shall we?!

HUSBAND AND WIFE EXCHANGE WORRIED LOOKS.

PATIENT
Well, shouldn't we wait for the doctor to get here?

NURSE
What, don't you trust me?!

PATIENT
Yes, yes of course we do it's just the doctor is meant to do it.

NURSE
Well he's not here now is he?

NURSE STARTS GLIDING THE ULTRASOUND OVER HER STOMACH AND STARTS PUSHING IT IN TO HER HARDER AND HARDER.

PATIENT
Ow! You're hurting me!

NURSE
Oh, sorry dear!

HUSBAND
I think we should just wait for the doctor to arrive.

NURSE
NO…do you want to know the sex of your baby?

HUSBAND
Err… well, we were discussing it the other day and we decided we'd wait, keep it as a bit of a bit of a surpr…

NURSE
…it's a girl.

THE COUPLE ARE AGHAST.

HUSBAND
Right, come on we're leaving.

HE GRABS HIS WIFE'S HAND AND SHE MOTIONS TO GET UP.

NURSE
No! [SHE PUSHES THE PATIENT DOWN BY HER STILL BARE STOMACH] We haven't finished.

HUSBAND
No, this really isn't on and you've just spoilt the surprise for us.

NURSE
I was only joking. It's not really a girl.

WIFE
Oh right, so it's a boy then?!

NURSE
Well, that's you who's said that now isn't it? Look let me just finish the procedure your all ready and I've got the equipment set up.

NURSE RUNS THE ULTRASOUND OVER HER AGAIN; THE COUPLE WATCH HER INTENTLY; NURSE CHUCKLES TO HERSELF.

HUSBAND
Why are you laughing?

NURSE
There's no heart beat!

WIFE
What?!

NURSE
I'm afraid all we can do is perform an emergency caesarean.

WIFE
But I'm only 12 weeks pregnant!

NURSE
Do you want this baby to live or not?!

HUSBAND
(DISBELIEVING) How exactly do you propose to save the baby if it hasn't got a heart beat?

NURSE
We need to cut the baby out so I can give him mouth-to-mouth.

HUSBAND
We're definitely going now!

THE NURSE FLOPS ON TO THE PATIENT'S STOMACH AND SOBS.

NURSE
No little baby, don't let them take you from me again.

DR HUSSEIN WALKS IN TO THE ROOM

DR HUSSEIN
Hell…(HE SEES THE NURSE SOBBING ON THE WORRIED PATIENT'S STOMACH) oh no, not again!

END

As I always boringly say, but sincerely, all comments are welcomed!

Is this set up for a run of sketches? It ends rather abruptly. I wanted to see more of the Nurses odd behaviour, which means you have a successful set up.

The punch reads quite flat, but maybe the performance is where it would work? Quite Smack The Pony, I thought.

Quote: Leevil @ October 2 2009, 1:29 AM BST

Is this set up for a run of sketches? It ends rather abruptly. I wanted to see more of the Nurses odd behaviour, which means you have a successful set up.

The punch reads quite flat, but maybe the performance is where it would work? Quite Smack The Pony, I thought.

View original

It could be for a run of sketches...
Yeah, I was thinking that the nurse would be champing at the bit to ruin the surprise for them. Cheers for reading it Leevil, haven't seen anything from you lately, all quiet on the western front?

Lazy, as usual.

Quote: Leevil @ October 2 2009, 1:37 AM BST

Lazy, as usual.

View original

18736 posts lazy?

This shit don't write itself.

Quote: Leevil @ October 2 2009, 1:44 AM BST

This shit don't write itself.

View original

It's a nice idea. Agree with Leevil. Also, I would lose the bit up front with the senior nurse - you don't need to set your audience up in this case, I think. Just bring out her traumatic private life as she interacts with the couple. If you really want to go dark, have her toying with the idea of using a knife to get the baby for herself. Then again, perhaps you want it to get made.

Quote: Leevil @ October 2 2009, 1:44 AM BST

This shit don't write itself.

View original

No, it takes an infinite number of monkeys... well, one monkey.

Quote: Tim Walker @ October 2 2009, 1:51 AM BST

It's a nice idea. Agree with Leevil. Also, I would lose the bit up front with the senior nurse - you don't need to set your audience up in this case, I think. Just bring out her traumatic private life as she interacts with the couple. If you really want to go dark, have her toying with the idea of using a knife to get the baby for herself. Then again, perhaps you want it to get made.

No, it takes an infinite number of monkeys... well, one monkey.

View original

Cheers Tim. I thought by having the senior nurse chat it would give the audience a little sniff of back story rather than going WHOMP there it is. Yeah, I did consider the all out dark direction, not necessarily cutting the patient up! But thanks for the critique!

I wrote an 'infinite monkey theorem' influenced sketch recently for Newsjack, they didn't want it. It might be appearing on a critique section near you...

Look forward to that. Best of luck.

NURSE
NO…do you want to know the sex of your baby?

HUSBAND
Not really. But I want a boy and ---

PATIENT
--- I want a girl.

NURSE
Of course, that's au naturel.

END

I like this alot and yes it's looking for a punch, but funny, realisitic and very strong characterisation.

I think maybe the nurse plays a really cruel joke like saying the baby is dead or something? Or booking the women in for a caserian so she can steal it?

You could add a bit about names for the baby, with her effectively aggressively rejecting their preferences until they agree with her that the name should be the same as her dead baby?

I do get annoyed when fiction always portrays women who can't have or lose children or have IVF as desperate loonies. But this was pretty harmless and quite funny.

Nurses don't do ultrasounds and a doctor wouldn't be present, but I don't think the scenario is unbelievable to most people. You could certainly take it a lot further.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ October 2 2009, 10:00 AM BST

Nurses don't do ultrasounds and a doctor wouldn't be present,

View original

Who does them then, the cleaner?