As threatened earlier.
LOVE IS ALL AROUND US
PART ONE
[THE STAGE IS DIVIDED LEFT AND RIGHT BY LIGHTING.
ON THE LEFT A TABLE WITH A RADIO ON IT AND A FILTER COFFEE POT.
.
FRONT OF STAGE LEFT. A CHAIR.
LIGHTS DOWN. MAX, FIFTIES, VERY THEATRICAL, PINK GOLF JUMPER,
SINGS OUT LOUDLY HITTING EVERY SYLLABLE]
MAX
(SINGING) Coriolanus…..!
[SPOT UP ON MAX, SITING ON THE CHAIR ADDRESSING THE AUDIENCE]
MAX
(FLOURISHING) The musical! Thought it would go down big
with the blue rinse brigades on the Hospital musical
theatre committee. Turned out they wanted more curl and less 'anus.'
Little did I know, however, as I headed back to my little kingdom
of the hospital comforts lounge, that there was more drama afoot
waiting for me there… than rubber hosing in Elvis Presley's trousers.
[SPOT OFF. LIGHTS UP STAGE LEFT. A TABLE AS A DESK.
GEORGE A SECURITY GUARD, 30/40'S IS DOING BODY BUILDING
POSES AND GRUNTING. JACK LOVE, 32, ENTERS WITH COFFEE AND CROISSANT]
JACK
Morning. What's with the police everywhere?
GEORGE
I could have been one of them you know Mr. Love.
It's not my fault I've got these feet. You don't need
feet to blow away an armed maniac do you eh?
You need balls. And I've got plenty of those.
Big balls. Balls of brass. Do you know what I'm saying?
JACK
No. What's going on George?
GEORGE
Some nutter. Killed his wife with a hardy perennial.
Got injured when the police arrested him.
They've got him on Blue Tit Ward.
JACK
Is he dangerous?
GEORGE
I beg your pardon?!
JACK
I said is he dangerous?
GEORGE
Dangerous Jack! Dangerous! I may not have a pointy
hat on my head my old son. But George Foster knows
a thing or two about damage limitation. I didn't serve
in the Falklands for nothing.
JACK
If he's not dangerous why are the police armed?
GEORGE
He shot up a couple of them when they went to
arrest him is all. They didn't know how to take a bullet
you see. It's all to do with how you tense your buttock muscles.
JACK
Anyway… You never served in the Falklands!
GEORGE
I could have done! I could have done!
It's not my fault you know. (points at his feet)
I inherited these.
[GEORGE OFF AS CAROL IN. EARY THIRTIES, ATTRACTIVE IN A
TWEEDY WAY. WOOLIE HAT]
CAROL
Morning Jack. How did the big date go?
JACK
You know one time. When I had to play Rugby at school.
Someone deliberately headbutted me in the ruck.
Broke two of my front teeth.
CAROL
Well I hope he got expelled.
JACK
She, Carol. And no, they gave her a house medal.
But for me that was a better boy meets girl experience
than last night.
CAROL
Not exactly 'Love Story' then?
JACK
I waited outside that bloody tube station for hours.
I spent seven pounds fifty getting my best trousers pressed
and a dog came and pissed against my leg. …
I've had more fun in a dentist's chair.
CAROL
(SHE FANCIES HIM) Some one will come along.
JACK
(WISTFUL) Romance, Carol… Byron, Shelley, Wordsworth.
You know, those great, romantic, gothic poets of the
eighteenth century. (BEAT) They were all full of shit.
CAROL
Lot of it about. Tanya's been dumped by her boyfriend.
JACK
That would explain it.
CAROL
Explain what?
JACK
Have a listen to her.
[JACK TURNS THE RADIO ON – PRE RECORDED]
TANYA v/o
(SEXY LATE 20') We've got a request coming in now from
Simon here at the hospital from Robin ward and on line three.
So talk to me Simon. Tell me all about it.
[SIMON HAS A YOUNG POSH VOICE. NERVOUS. ABOUT TEN]
SIMON v/o
Hello Tanya.
TANYA v/o
Speak up. There's nothing to be scared of… apart from death.
So tell me Simon. Are you going to grow up and break some woman's heart.
Like men do?
SIMON v/o
I'm going to be a politician.
TANYA v/o
That's a no then. So what's your request?
SIMON v/o
I'd like to hear 'Je T'aime'. (A BEAT)
And could you send me a photo of you in your bikini.
And some of your underwear?
TANYA v/o
No. No . No. I don't think so.
Here's "I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair"
from South Pacific. A reminder there ladies. Should we need it.
That man cubs eventually grow into men. So don't be fooled.
A baby leopard looks very cute but I wouldn't keep one in your bedroom
for too long… They turn into bastards.
[JACK TURNS OFF THE RADIO]
JACK
Not like our Tanya to worry about a man.
CAROL
Ah but this wasn't a real man you see.
This was a B.B.C. radio producer.
[TANYA IN, LATE TWENTIES. DARK HAIRED. SEXILY DRESSED
SHE GOES TO THE COFFEE POTAND HOLDS IT AND GLARES AT JACK.
TANYA
This is typical of you Jack.
JACK
(SEDUCTIVE) Hot. Strong and stimulating you mean?
TANYA
Stale, cold and empty is what I mean. You leave
a dribble of coffee in the pot so you don't have
to make some fresh. Just wait for someone else
to do it for you!
JACK
Did not! I just came in.
TANYA
"Did not". Listen to him. What are you. Five years old?
Why are men so useless Carol? So lazy. So inefficient.
So mendacious?
JACK
What's that supposed to mean?
TANYA
Liars! All of you. Is it too much to ask Jack that
you take your turn in making the coffee. That you
refill the pot when it's near the end. It's not a lot to
ask is it? Is it? Is it a lot to ask? I mean we're all
volunteers here! Do you think it's right to expect Carol
and me to do all the work here!
JACK
(producing a Styrofoam cup)
I bought you a cappuccino from the deli.
I know you like them.
TANYA
God. I can't believe how lazy you are. Self. Self. Self.
(seeing Jack's croissant)
Is that for me? Is it! Is that for me?
JACK
No that's mine.
TANYA
No. No. You see. Self. Self. Self. Self. Self.
Men! I tell
you. An ego an appetite and mainly dysfunctional anatomy.
Let's face it Carol they're all genitally useless.
JACK
I think you mean congenitally Tanya.
TANYA
I know what I mean.
[LIGHTS DOWN STAGE LEFT.
MAX SINGS LOUDLY]
MAX:
No. No, No, You shall not stab me there sir.
[SPOT UP ON MAX]
MAX:
Meanwhile Tanya's broadcast had not gone down well with the
occupant of the private room on Blue Tit ward, who had made
good his escape with the use of a large plant gifted to the
previous occupant by her grandson Barry who suffered from
a debilitating haemorrhoid condition… but was always kind to animals.
[SPOT DOWN ON MAX. LIGHTS UP STAGE RIGHT. A SMARTLY DRESSED MAN STANDS LOOKING ABOUT HIM AS BRIAN, THE MADMAN, COMES ON DRESSED IN A HOSPITAL GOWN.
MAN
Excuse me. Can you tell me how to get
to intensive care?
[BRIAN LOOKS AT HIM FOR A MINUTE AND THEN SUDDENLY HEAD BUTTS HIM. THE MAN FALLS TO THE FLOOR]
BRIAN
That should help.
[LIGHTS DOWN STAGE RIGHT. MUSIC PLAYS. 'LOVE IS IN THE AIR'
LIGHTS UP STAGE LEFT. THE TABLE IS NOW THE RADIO STUDIO.
TANYA ADJUSTS A LITTLE MIXING DESK TO FADE THE SONG DOWN
AND TAKES HER HEADPHONES OFF AS JACK COMES IN]
TANYA
All yours and welcome to it. I've had enough
of this place to last a lifetime.
JACK
What is it with you Tanya? Why don't you try being
nice for a change. You know. Smiling. Being pleasant
to people. Pretending that you're a member of the
human race?
TANYA
It's nothing personal Jack. I just don't like you.
[SHE WALKS OFF TO THE DOOR AND THEN COMES BACK IN AGAIN
WALKING BACKWARDS FOLLOWED BY BRIAN POINTING A GUN AT HER.
JACK LOOKS AT THE SITUATION FOR A BEAT]
JACK
Oh go on Tanya. Give him your autograph.
TANYA
(Clenched Teeth)
For god's sake jack he's got a gun! This is no
time for your adolescent humour.
[BRIAN JABS HER WITH THE GUN]
BRIAN
Just shut it you.
TANYA
That's all very well for you to say. Macho man.
Standing there with your six shot penis substitute.
You see. This is what's wrong with this male dominated
patriarchal society we live in.
BRIAN
If you don't shut up I'm going to blow your brains off.
JACK
That's out I think. Blow your brains out.
BRIAN
You people don't seem to realise that
this is a gun I'm holding here. Does this look
like a banana to you.
JACK
No. No. That's definitely not a banana.
TANYA
I've got to get back for Antiques Roadshow.
BRIAN (Pointing to Jack)
You! Get that tape over there and shut this silly bitch up.
[LIGHTS DOWN]
MAX:
Like I said to dear old dear departed Charles Hawtrey
Some people darling, just don't know when to keep
their mouths shut.
[LIGHTS UP. JACK AND BRIAN STANDING. TANYA, GAGGED HANDS BEHIND HER BACK AGAINST THE BACK WALL. BRIAN PUTS HER ON THE FLOOR]
BRIAN
Is she like this all the time?
JACK
All the time. I tell you Brian it doesn't stop.
Nag. Nag. Nag. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. It drives
me up the wall.
BRIAN
Would you like me to shoot her up a little?
[A BEAT. TANYA KICKS HIM]
JACK
No. No. That'll be okay.
BRIAN
I was listening to her on the radio. She was driving
me mad. And I have to tell you when God made my particular
picnic he wasn't just a sandwich short.
I came up here with Peter pistol to put an end to it.
[LIGHTS DOWN STAGE LEFT.
LIGHTS UP STAGE RIGHT.
A UNIFORMED POLICE INSPECTOR TALKS
INTO HIS MOBILE]
INSPECTOR
The entire area is sealed. No one can get in or out.
[MAX COMES STRIDING UP]
MAX
Only me!
INSPECTOR
(ASTONISHED BEAT) Who the f**king hell let you through?
MAX
I'm in charge around here Inspector. And I think
you'll find I know a thing or two about police
procedures. I've come to lend a hand.
INSPECTOR
Who's he got in there?
MAX
Jack Love, Tanya Russell. Let's get on with breaking
down the door then shall we?
INSPECTOR
What?
MAX
We don't want it going pear shaped.
INSPECTOR
What?
MAX
That's what they say don't they?
INSPECTOR
Who?
MAX
On 'The Bill'.
We don't want this one going pear shaped Guv!
INSPECTOR
And what the bloody hell's that supposed to mean?
MAX
Well I don't know. Pear shaped. Sort of heavy
at the bottom.
INSPECTOR
Excuse me sir. But we've got a mad gunman in there
with hostages. Do you think you could let us get on
with our work?
MAX
I've got an Equity card you know. I've played my
fair share of plod.
[LIGHTS DOWN. THE END TO LOVE IS ALL AROUND ME PLAYS.
[LIGHTS UP STAGE LEFT AND JACK FADES DOWN THE SONG AND SPEAKS INTO THE MIKE]
JACK
Our special guest this afternoon is Brian Bayliss.
Say hello to the listeners Brian.
BRIAN
Oh yeah. Hi!
JACK
Brian of course has been in the news a bit lately.
You murdered your wife am I right Brian?
BRIAN
Yes. That's quite right Jack.
JACK
And you used an Aspidistra pot I believe Brian.
Rather an unusual choice of weapon?
BRIAN
Yeah well it wasn't an antique or anything. But it was
pretty solid and it did get the job done.
JACK
So what was it all about?
BRIAN
I was driven to it Jack. I tell you women have been
getting at me all my life.
JACK
(Nodding sympathetically)
I know how that feels!
BRIAN
My father left when I was two years old. I grew up
with four older sisters and my Mother.
Five women Jack.And me! Now I'm not a criminal psychologist.
But you know you've got to see a connection here.
JACK
What led up to it Brian. What was the final straw?
BRIAN
I tell you. It was the flower arranging.
JACK
Flower arranging?
BRIAN
That's it flower bloody arranging. Day and night.
Night and bloody day. Week after week. Month after month.
Year after bloody year. I'm only human Jack.
If you prick me do I not bleed? I mean I'm a reasonable man.
It was me who told Christabelle to get a hobby. But flower Arranging?
I mean how bloody hard is it? You get a vase. You get a bunch of flowers.
And you stick the bunch of flowers in the vase.
JACK
Absolutely.
BRIAN
But it took over her life Jack. Took over it.
And meanwhile I couldn't do a thing right.
Everything I did interfered with her bloody flower arranging.
JACK
She became obsessed?
BRIAN
But no comforts Jack! No hot buttered crumpets
with a little strawberry preserve of a Saturday
afternoon round fourish. No nicely cooked fish suppers. J
ust moan. Moan. Moan. I mean what was I supposed to do?
JACK
(Smiling foolishly)
Women eh. You've got to love them.
BRIAN'S GLARES AT HIM, GRIPPING THE GUN TIGHTLY.
BRIAN
I hate women.
JACK
(trying to pacify him)
Yes. Yes. Of course you do. I mean what do they do?
I'll tell you what they do. They leave you standing
outside The Angel tube station for an hour in the
sodding rain having five pence pieces thrown at you
and getting arrested by the police for loitering.
(TRAILING OFF ) That's the sort of thing they do!
BRIAN
Don't get involved Jack. Just say No! You're
better off without them. Believe me. I was
married for twenty years.
JACK
Twenty years… So, where do you go from here?
BRIAN
I'm a bit new to all this really Jack. But I see
myself sort of getting shot up really as
I leave the office in a blaze of gunfire. Sort of
a Butch Cassidy without the moustache.
JACK
Wasn't that Sundance?
BRIAN
What?
JACK
I'll think you'll find it was Sundance who had
the moustache.
BRIAN
Anyway. It doesn't really matter. I just look
forward to the peace and quiet. They can't nag
you in the grave can they?
JACK
I think I might have the answer.
Did you ever see that film Brian. How to murder your wife?
BRIAN
No. What was it? (BEAT) A documentary?
[JACK RAISES HIS HAND TO POINT THEY ALL FREEZE FOR A MOMENT OR TWO.
LIGHTS DOWN]
[/b]BREAK[/b]
PART TWO
[LIGHTS DOWN, MAX SINGING TO THE TORREADORE MUSIC]
MAX
Coriolanus corriador, Coriolanus it's you we adore.
[LIGHTS UP STAGE LEFT. THEY ARE STILL IN FREEZE MODE. JACK LOWERS HIS FINGER]
JACK
Not a documentary no Brian. What I was getting at.
This blaze of glory stuff. You know shooting us all up.
Blasting your way out of the hospital is it all really necessary?
BRIAN
I hear where you're coming from Jack. You know.
You have a personal interest here. But I really do
see this as the way to go on this one. You see I'm basically.
You know fundamentally. A violent guy.
JACK
But correct me if I'm wrong here Brian.
But what you're looking for you know.
Is an ideal world. It's a world without women.
Am I right?
BRIAN
Oh God yes. Ideal world all right. Heaven!
JACK
If you could have that dream come true.
You'd put that violent stuff behind you.
Wouldn't you. I mean it's women that make you
angry. Women that make you rage and boil?
BRIAN
You can say that again.It's like a nest of wasps in my head Jack.
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.. Nag. nag. Nag. Witter. Witter.
You know sometimes I feel I could bite the head off a kitten.
[JACK LEANS FORWARD]
JACK
I can make your dreams come true Brian.
BRIAN
What do you mean?
JACK
This is the Jack Love show here. The power of Radio.
Today I can make dreams come true.
BRIAN
Can you get me tickets for the X factor recordings?
JACK
Well no. But you want a world free of women
getting at you. Am I right?
BRIAN
Yeah.
JACK
Well give me the gun. Hand yourself in.
BRIAN
No. No. No. (LAUGHS AND WAGS HIS HEAD) Hang on a minute here.
Maybe I'm going to have to shoot you up a bit after all.
Just in the leg maybe.
[HE POINTS THE GUN AT JACK APOLOGETICALLY.JACK HOLDS HIS HANDS UP AND SMILES DESPERATELY]
JACK
Look at it this way Brian. You're a loony.
You've killed your wife with a hardy perennial.
They'll lock you up and throw away the key.
Think about it. Your own guarded room in a
world entirely free of women. No women at all Brian.
No women ever again. No nagging. No moaning.
No wittering. No women. Ever… Ever again.
[A SLOW SMILE CREEPS OVER BRIAN'S FACE]
BRIAN
Hey that's right.
JACK
It'll be like paradise Brian. Paradise here on earth.
So give me the gun.
BRIAN
(DREAMY) Prison. God it'll be like. It'll be like. ..
It'll be like coming home.
[LIGHTS DOWN STAGE LEFT.
SPOT UP ON MAX WHO SINGS TO THE TUNE OF YOU DON'T BRING ME FLOWERS]
MAX:
(SINGING)
I remember when
You couldn't wait to love me
Used to hate to leave me
Now after lovin' me late at night
When it's good for you
And you're feeling alright
Well you just roll over
You say you don't blame us
But you don't bring me flowers … Coriolanus.
[SPOT DOWN.
BACKGROUND MUSIC PLAYS. LIGHTS UP STAGE RIGHT.
THE TABLE WITH DRINKS ON IT NOW, CAROL, JACK,
GEORGE DRINKING. A BORED LOOKING WOMAN STANDS BY THE DOOR.
MAX WALKS OVER RAISING A GLASS ]
MAX
Jack Love. (BEAT) Love. Love. Lovely Jack!
We toast and salute you!
CAROL
You were very brave, very clever. Talking him into giving
himself up like that. You see it just goes to show.
You've got the gift of the gab. You could do anything
you want to. Get any woman you want.
It all comes down to confidence. Belief in yourself.
Belief in the inner man. You can have that perfect date.
JACK
(CONSIDERS AND NODS).
Would you excuse me a moment.
[HE STANDS UP AND WALKS ACROSS TO THE WOMAN AT THE BAR AND
WHISPERS SOMETHING IN HER EAR.
JACK WALKS BACK TO HIS TABLE AND PICKS UP HIS PINT]
CAROL
How did it go?
JACK
I don't know. You know how nowadays, 'bad' means
good, and 'wicked' is, you know really good.
What does dickhead mean?
CAROL
Dickhead means dickhead.
JACK
It didn't go well then.
CAROL
I won't tell Tanya.
JACK
Where is Tanya by the way? (PENNY DROPS)
Oh shit.
[JACK AND CAROL PULL GUILTY EXPRESSIONS LIGHTS DOWN.
SOUND OF TANYA GROANING FURIOUSLY THROUGH THE GAG AND
WRIGGLING ON THE FLOOR FOR A MOMENT OR TWO.
SPOT UP ON MAX ADDRESSING AUDIENCE]
MAX
If we actors have offended
Think but this and all is mended
If you liked our tale then raise your glass.
And if you didn't… then kiss my arse.
[HE FLOURISHES A BOW LIGHTS UP FOR CAST TO EXEUNT]
END
