RFTP Radio Sketch - Mandelbot 1000

Hi all. I've been lurking for a few months now and have decided to take the plunge. The sketch below is intended for submission to 'Recorded For Training Purposes' and any and all criticism is gratefully received, the more cutting the better. So, here it is - have at it!

MANDELBOT 1000

FXOOR OPENS
YOUNG MAN:You wanted to see me, Mr Mandelson?

PETER MANDELSON:Ahem.

YOUNG MANorry, Lord Mandelson.

PETER MANDELSON:Ahem.

YOUNG MANh yeah, erm [QUICKLY] First Secretary of state, Baron Mandelson of Foy in the County of Herefordshire and of Hartlepool in the County of Durham and Dark Lord of the Sith.

[PETER MANDELSON TALKS IN A CREEPY PETER LORRE TYPE VOICE]

PETER MANDELSON:Have you seen the latest polling data?

YOUNG MAN:Yes, I . . .

PETER MANDELSON:Baron is talking. And the reason for this abysmal showing is . . ?

YOUNG MAN:Well, I . . .

PETER MANDELSON:I said BARON IS TALKING! Communication. Communication. Communication. We exist in a multi-platform twenty-four hour news-cycle media landscape and we need a more effective way of communicating our message than letting that one-eyed id . . . iosyncratic Gordon shoulder all the burden himself. Would you not agree? [A BEAT] Did the Baron not ask you a question?

YOUNG MANh, sorry, I . . .

PETER MANDELSON:[INTERRUPTING] Allow me to introduce to you the Mandelbot 1000.

FEMALE ROBOT:[SEXY, ROBOTIC VOICE] But you can call me Mandy.

YOUNG MANh, erm, hello.
PETER MANDELSON:The Mandelbot 1000 has been programmed using
the latest artificial intelligence technology to process an individual's unique verbal and non-verbal cues using a real-time algorithm to pinpoint the exact formulation required to persuade an undecided voter to choose Labour at the next election.

FEMALE ROBOT:Vote Labour and I'll sleep with you.

YOUNG MANh, blimey. Ahem. Is this, erm, ethical?

PETER MANDELSONhe's made with eighty-percent recycled plastic and emits no greenhouse gases.

YOUNG MAN:No, I mean, erm . . . do you think the public's really so shallow that they'd . . .

FEMALE ROBOT:[INTERRUPTING] I'll let you do that thing you've always wanted to but have never been brave enough to ask. The thing with the fly-squater, wallpaper paste and the twelve inch . . .

YOUNG MAN:[INTERRUPTING] It's Labour all the way for me!

PETER MANDELSON:Interesting.

YOUNG MANh my. But, erm, what about women floating voters? Won't . . .

MALE ROBOT:[MANLY ROBOTIC VOICE] You ready, Baron?

PETER MANDELSON:In a minute. I'm just explaining . . .

MALE ROBOT:I'll embroil Brown in a sex scandal with Margaret Beckett and make sure you succeed him to become Prime Minister.

PETER MANDELSON:I'll get my coat!

RFTP

What aren't we looking for?

Impressions (although the cast probably could do them if asked, we try to avoid direct impressions)

As in previous series, we're looking for sketches about modern communication. Our experience with this show indicates that:

Thinly-veiled attacks on recognisable celebrities/personalities work quite well (eg, politician/journalist Boris Moron; dandy TV presenter/stand-up Danny Vain)

Maybe you could alter the sketch so that it wasn't directly about Mandelson?

Quote: The Giggle-o @ October 1 2009, 1:53 AM BST

RFTP

What aren't we looking for?

Impressions (although the cast probably could do them if asked, we try to avoid direct impressions)

As in previous series, we're looking for sketches about modern communication. Our experience with this show indicates that:

Thinly-veiled attacks on recognisable celebrities/personalities work quite well (eg, politician/journalist Boris Moron; dandy TV presenter/stand-up Danny Vain)

Maybe you could alter the sketch so that it wasn't directly about Mandelson?

View original

-- agreed - and while you're at it, use correct (brackets)

Thanks Giggle-O and Morrace. Do you people ever get any sleep?!?!

I saw the comment about impressions but thought maybe if Mandelson was described as some sort of evil Bond-type baddie rather than a direct impression I could get away it - will have to re-think this.

WRT brackets, I found a couple of radio sketches on the BBC somewhere to check format stuff and they used those weird square brackets ([]). Maybe I should assert my individuality and go for these buggers { } instead!

Thanks again for taking the time to comment. Any more comments definitely appreciated - deadline for the comp is midnight Friday.

It's not bad, but it is a little over stated.

Also it's a topical sketch I'm pretty sure RFTP won't do those.

Could you make it more generic?

Yes I'm with Sooty. More generic would be good. Mind you I've never got anything in RFTP so ignore away! I did like the line 'The Baron is talking' because I can imagine Mandelson actually saying it! And I thought the early interaction was better than than the second half. I think it has legs but needs a re-work.

Like Giggle-O said - they avoid impressions but like thinly veiled attacks.

I like the Sith idea so perhaps you could just go with calling him Darth Mandelson as a Darth Vader type voice is always funny, no matter how badly done it is. I'd also ditch the male robot and have something horribly non-PC instead:

YOUNG MAN: Oh my. But, erm, what about women floating voters? Won't . . .

FEMALE ROBOT: Oooh! I like your shoes!

And although topical-ish, I think this is generic enough (politicians discussing an election) that it's probably still RFTP territory.

Finally, a few niggly little points:

- What is a fly-squater?
- You've called the sketch Mandelbot, why not call the female robot Mandelbot in the cues?
- You could lose the first 4 lines without harming the sketch at all, go straight to:

FX DOOR OPENS

YOUNG MAN: O great First Secretary of state, Baron Mandelson of Foy in the County of Herefordshire and of Hartlepool in the County of Durham and Dark Lord of the Sith.

All my own 'umble opinions, feel free to use or ignore as you wish.

Wow! I'm genuinely overwhelmed by people taking the time to help me out and there's some great advice there to take on board - a big change from my wife Reading my stuff and going 'yeah, it's alright'.
I'm at work at the mo but when I get chance to absorb all the points made I'll repost but in the meantime thanks again.

Have had time to absorb all the comments and think I actually agree with all of them so big thanks to sootyj, roscoff and afinkawan is in order.
I think that changing mandelson to Darth Mandelson (or maybe BARON Mandelson with a Darth Vader voice) is inspired. Could then scrap the opening lines and have 'first secretary ... And dark lord of the Sith in Tattooine and Coruscan (or whatever the f--- it is). I think it then becomes a different but better sketch with Baron Mandelson as a proper evil baddie but need to keep it to the communication theme or RFTP aren't going to look at it.
And I was trying to think of a polite wag of saying 'something u squat flies with' before it occurred to me that maybe the point was it should be a 'flySWATter'! - I'm not exactly sure what my problem is but I know it's hard to pronounce!
cheers again

I see you've already got an idea in mind but what about calling the character mandeltron? Because you won't be able to say mandelson. Just an idea. Best of luck with the edit.

Thanks Adam, I think Mandeltron would work. Are u saying the RFTP people wouldn't let me use the name Mandelson because that's his actual name - in the same way as it's Boris Moron and not Boris Johnston?

Quote: Humberfloob @ October 1 2009, 4:38 PM BST

Thanks Adam, I think Mandeltron would work. Are u saying the RFTP people wouldn't let me use the name Mandelson because that's his actual name - in the same way as it's Boris Moron and not Boris Johnson?

View original

Yeah, they don't want the actual name from what I can tell mucka. So if you were feeling lazy I'd just call him Mandeltron 3000 or something like that. All the best.