Another old sketch character

Found this on an old work archive cd. Anyone think it's funny? I think the idea is for it to be a returning character.

1. INT. DOCTOR'S SURGERY. DAY.

A MAN (BRIAN) AND HIS WIFE (CAROL) ARE SITTING IN THE DOCTOR'S SURGERY, HOLDING HANDS. CAROL LOOKS VERY WORRIED. BRIAN SQUEEZES HER HAND SUPPORTIVELY.

THE GP HAS BEEN READING A REPORT IN A FOLDER, AND HE LOOKS UP AND SIGHS GRAVELY.

GP:
Well. I'm afraid the test results aren't good Mrs Crombie. It would seem the tumour has indeed spread as we feared it might, despite our best efforts.

CAROL LOOKS AT BRIAN. HE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER REASSURINGLY.

GP:
I'm afraid it's a very aggressive, quite rare form of cancer. We could try you on a higher dose of drugs, but… well to be perfectly honest with you the success rate isn't high, and the side effects can be really quite distressing. My advice to you would be to go home, and spend some quality time with your family. Perhaps book a holiday, or…

CAROL CAN HOLD HER COMPOSURE NO MORE, BURYING HER HEAD IN BRIAN'S CHEST AND SOBBING. THE GP AVERTS HIS EYES. CAROL STOPS CRYING, SNIFFS THE AIR AND LOOKS AT BRIAN IN DISBELIEF.

BRIAN:
(TRYING TO CONTAIN A GIGGLE) Sorry, I just pumped.

END SKETCH

You are on a tightrope with this one. The joke only works if the situation is distressing, but too distressing and you are just going to offend.

Quote: Timbo @ September 26 2009, 9:32 PM BST

You are on a tightrope with this one. The joke only works if the situation is distressing, but too distressing and you are just going to offend.

View original

I know - I think I'm going to take out the word "cancer" and replace it with "illness". Cheers Timbo

I like the punchline, Lee but I don't think there's any real need to go into detail about the cancer, tumour, higher dose of drugs etc., it could put a few people off!

Also, I think the man (as usual!) could be the victim. Why not just go for something like:

______________________________________________________________________

BRIAN:
How long have I got, Doctor?

CAROL:
It's got nothing to do with your penis, Brian!

BRIAN:
I mean, it's serious isn't it, doctor?

GP:
It's terminal, I'm afraid. My advice to you would be to go home, and spend some quality time with your family. Perhaps book a holiday - not a long holiday - just - just a short weekend break.

CAROL CAN HOLD HER COMPOSURE NO MORE

CAROL:
Oh God - noooo!

SHE BURIES HER HEAD IN BRIAN'S CHEST AND SOBS. THE GP AVERTS BRIAN'S EYES. CAROL STOPS CRYING SUDDENLY, SNIFFS THE AIR AND LOOKS AT BRIAN IN DISBELIEF.

BRIAN:
(TRYING TO CONTAIN A GIGGLE) Sorry, I just pumped.

CAROL:
(MOVES AWAY IN DISGUST) Dirty bastard!(TO GP) Yes, well, every cloud has a silver lining I s'pose.

______________________________________________________________________

Or something like that!

I didn't like this one really Lee. It's just my opinion but I really don't like jokes/sketches about farting they're just lazy. The 'sensitive' nature of the sketch didn't bother me, personally, though. I can't really add much more as I didn't really like the concept so sorry I can't be more constructive but hopefully I've helped in some way for you to gauge general opinion. (That sounded more formal than I intended.)

Quote: Morrace @ September 26 2009, 10:18 PM BST

I like the punchline, Lee but I don't think there's any real need to go into detail about the cancer, tumour, higher dose of drugs etc., it could put a few people off!

Also, I think the man (as usual!) could be the victim. Why not just go for something like:

______________________________________________________________________

BRIAN:
How long have I got, Doctor?

CAROL:
It's got nothing to do with your penis, Brian!

BRIAN:
I mean, it's serious isn't it, doctor?

GP:
It's terminal, I'm afraid. My advice to you would be to go home, and spend some quality time with your family. Perhaps book a holiday - not a long holiday - just - just a short weekend break.

CAROL CAN HOLD HER COMPOSURE NO MORE

CAROL:
Oh God - noooo!

SHE BURIES HER HEAD IN BRIAN'S CHEST AND SOBS. THE GP AVERTS BRIAN'S EYES. CAROL STOPS CRYING SUDDENLY, SNIFFS THE AIR AND LOOKS AT BRIAN IN DISBELIEF.

BRIAN:
(TRYING TO CONTAIN A GIGGLE) Sorry, I just pumped.

CAROL:
(MOVES AWAY IN DISGUST) Dirty bastard!(TO GP) Yes, well, every cloud has a silver lining I s'pose.

______________________________________________________________________

Or something like that!

View original

Cheers Morrace. Coupla ideas to think about there. The sketch isn't quite working as is which is why I posted it up - all feedback helps.

Quote: The Giggle-o @ September 26 2009, 10:21 PM BST

I didn't like this one really Lee. It's just my opinion but I really don't like jokes/sketches about farting they're just lazy. The 'sensitive' nature of the sketch didn't bother me, personally, though. I can't really add much more as I didn't really like the concept so sorry I can't be more constructive but hopefully I've helped in some way for you to gauge general opinion. (That sounded more formal than I intended.)

View original

Cheers Giggle-o. I hesitated to do the fart gag for exactly that reason, but I do think there's something in a character that does something bodily objectionable in the most inappropriate situations. Thinking about it I suppose the idea is very similar to Charlie Higson's "I'm sorry, I've just come" character in the Fast Show.

Ta for the read.

I thought the sketch was okay, however by the title I am guessing the reason you posted this was for Brian and I think he is a really funny and would love to see him in other sketches. Also, couldn't you include more of his character earlier in the sketch.