Pilot Episode
Lex: Have you ever looked up at those stars and wondered who's looking down on us?
Tash: (sighs) Yeah..
Lex: I mean, every little one of those stars is someone, someone looking down on you
Tash: Yeah..brilliant isn't it?
Pause
Lex: Some people are just so smug aren't they?
Tash: (smiling) yeah.. I guess so..
Lex: listen, you wanna head back to mine, it's getting cold.. I have some wine in if you'd like?
Tash: Hmm.. I don't know. I'd better be..
Lex: Come on, Tash, let's go back to mine, we'll get some wine, a nice film, you can choose this time..
Tash: It's just I have to be up early in the..
Lex: I'll make you a bacon sandwich?
Tash: Throw in some garlic bread and you got yourself a deal mister!
OPENING CREDITS
Lex walking down the street with his earphones in, singing away to himself "Instant Pleasure" by Rufus Wainwright.
Lex: (singing) I don't want somebody to love me, just give me sex whenever I want it (thrusting on the word "sex")
Turns corner and bumps into an old woman just as he thrusts violently forward
Mrs. Holdsworth: Oh my god!.. Oh.. It's you..
Lex: Sorry Mrs. Holdsworth, I didn't see you there..
Mrs. Holdsworth: (sarcastically) I heard you coming.
Lex: I bet you did Mrs. Holdsworth, you take care now.
Turns the corner and cringe, head in hands, then gets up and carries on walking and singing even more joyously with a grin on his face. Enters HOUSE.
Lex is whistling as he enters the back door, into the kitchen. Plates unwashed cover the surfaces, drinks left over from a party the night before. Lex stops whistling.
Lex: (shouting up the stairs) Jack Lee Kelsey! Get your "livin' la vida loca" bad self down into that kitchen and clean up, like you promised you would several days ago! Your solero exotic is in the freezer, and in future you can get the bleedin' thing yourself! My fingers are sticky, and you know how I hate that!
Jack: (peering out of bedroom door at top of stairs, bleary eyed and confused, half-naked) Whaaa..?
Lex: This mess isn't going to clean itself, it might just get up and walk outta here, but it's your turn!
Jack: Alright! Alright! I'll sort it.. Give me some wiggle room, man! I'm busy..
Lex: (muttering as he makes his way back to the kitchen) Sorry, I didn't realise drinking yourself into an early grave in a pool of women was so taxing for you..
Jack: (shouting) I heard that!
Lex makes three cups of tea(knowing there's someone else there), puts them on a tray and grabs the paper. Takes them upstairs to Jacks' room.
Lex: (looking down at paper as he opens the door) Morning all.. Brews'a'plenty!
Jack: Duude!! (quickly covering himself up, as he's only in boxers)
Lex looks up
Lex: (puts paper down)Morning Kelly! How are you m'dear? (leans on doorframe talking) Not seen you in a while..
Kelly: Hey Lexi, I'm great thanks, I've been, weell, you know, busy.. Just came over to relieve a bit of stress after the exams and stuff..
Lex: yeah, I hear psychology is a real pain in the neck..
Kelly: How about you though hun? Hows Lexi life?
Lex: Well, you know (tongue in cheek) It's a hard life for a poor penniless songwriter like moi
Kelly: (laughing) You do have a way with words though Lex, I bet it gets you all the women round town
Jack: (sniggering) You're kidding aren't you? He's still shacked up with that Tasha
Lex: Jaaaack! You said you wouldn't bring this up again..
Kelly: Alexander! You are not dating that whore again are you?!?
Lex: I rather thought I might..
Kelly: (getting up revealing her to be wearing candy knickers with a couple missing and a candy bra) Lex, you're worth more than that. (getting really close to lex, almost flirting) You need someone good to keep you on the straight and narrow hun
Jack: He needs someone to keep him straight, we'll come back to the narrow later!
A door opens on the landing, a girl walks out.
Lex: (leaning back and turning round) Morning KayKay!
Kay: (looking up and taking her earphones out) Sorry, what's that lex? I had my whales on.
Lex: Whales?
Kay: Yeah, you know.. That whale music.. I don't know what the words are, but it sounds fantastic anyway.. I gotta run anyway Lex, see you later (kisses him on the cheek) Mwah!
Lex: Have a nice day Kay kay!
Kay walks off singing in whale noises, making up words to go with it "so I bought myself a camcorder for the end of the world, but they don't work under water, it's so hard being a whale"
Lex: (turning back) you'd better get dressed, you've got a job interview in half an hour
Jack: (looking at his watch) Shit, you're right. (puts a straw hat on)
LeX: You can't wear that to an interview!
Jack: I'm a free spirit, I'm the messiah, I'm monty python, I am a superhero..(dancing as he talks, and then spinning round to face lex, he points at him and says) I am the walrus!
Later Kelly, I gotta dash. (blows her a kiss)
Jack is running down the stairs
Lex: (shouting after him) When you gonna do that cleaning?
Pause
Kelly: Come sit and talk to Kelly!
Lex: Alright.. (sits down)
IN BAR: The Python's Arms
Damien: John?..
Pause
Johnny??
John: Yeah?
Damien: (cleaning glasses) Who's on tonight?
John: Who?
Damien: yeah.. Who's on?
John: Erm.. (flicks through diary)
Damien: Well?
John: Shit. (looking up, letting the pen in his mouth fall from his mouth) What we gonna do?
Damien: John, you moron, it's a Friday night, you can't not have a band on tonight!
Door slams shut out in entrance
Damien: (stops cleaning, shouts) Sorry! We're closed!
Lex: It's only me love, I need your help! (he says out of breath)
Lex makes his way around the bar, helping himself to two shots glasses
Damien: Lex, I need to cash in a favour.
Lex stops
Lex: Another one? This is your fourth out of five. You'll be on your last one after this, you know, use them wisely, my friend!
Damien: I know, I know.. I wanna cash in the one from when you covered up for me with Sarah that weekend.
John: (leaning out of door way at end of bar) What's this?
Damien & Lex: Nothing!
Lex: Alright! I'll do you this favour.
Damien: Great! Thanks! John!!
Lex: If..
John: Yeah?
Lex: If you tell me what you were doing dressed as Mrs.Lovett in the first place?
John laughing uncontrollably, falls off his chair, Lex & Damien laugh.
Damien: Thanks Lex, I love you too. He's gonna call me Mrs. Lovett for months now. I just got rid of the last favour's damage. Some of the regulars still call me Tiger Woods, it's not funny.
BACK AT THE HOUSE
Lex: (on phone) Jack? Clean up that mess before I get back and I won't cut your testicles off in your sleep, okay? And yes you will do it! And don't think I won't! I'm going to Python's. Laters.
Puts phone down. Answers it almost immediately.
Where are you?.. Yeah?.. What's she like?.. Wait.. Never mind that, Are you gonna come back and do this cleaning or not? Right. Okay. Right. Well, you better.
Kay walks in reading a book with her eyes closed.
Lex: Kay?
Kay: Mhmm?
Lex: That book's upside down.
Kay: Damn it! I wanted to try and walk all the way down there with my eyes closed, but I wanted you to think I was reading this book.
Lex: But Kay, that's the manual for Jack's dad's BMW. And it's all in german.
Kay: Well, okay, maybe it was a long shot. Where you off anyway Lex?
Lex: Me? I have got a gig down at the Python's. (pleased with himself)
Kay: Awesome, knock 'em dead Lexi.
Lex: I'll try. What you doing tonight?
Kay: I'm caught between trying to sneeze with my eyes open to see if you really do turn inside out, cos Jenny in my english class reckons you implode if you do it. I just keep getting headaches though.
Kay opens the paracetamol and pours four or five into her hand and takes them straight back, grabbing a glass off the side to take them with.
Lex: Kay? You can't just take paracetamol like that. There's a limit to how many you can take.
Pause
What's the matter?
Kay: That glass had vodka in it. (lifting up a glass) This one is my water. (winces)
Lex: So what's the other option?
Kay: Um.. I forget.. Um.. Oh yeah...I'm gonna try and turn Madeleine the sea monkey into a real monkey.
Lex: The lights are on aren't they? But it's just the landing light, and the lounge light on a timer, isn't it?
Kay shrugs and wanders off
Lex: (shouting) Well I'm off out then, wish me luck!
Pause
Well thanks for your support!
He leaves.
Lex is on stage at THE PYTHON'S ARMS playing his guitar and singing.
He finishes his song.
Lex: And if anyone wants my EP, ask Mrs.Lovett at the bar!
Damien glares at him unappreciatively.
Lex: That's all from me, folks, but karaoke up next for the third week in a row, and first up, it's the pie-making mistress herself!
Damien gets up on stage
Damien: I'd like to thank my good, ha!, friend, Lexi for that emergency set, his EP is available from the bar, a free shot of absinthe with every one sold! Also, tonight's happy hour is.. 54 minutes ago. Every drink a quid, so get yourself over to the bar where someone will get round to serving you as soon as they can.
Angry customers wait at bar as no-one is there to serve them as Damien is on stage.
Damien: (behind bar finally) Is anyone hear to get Lexi's single?
END CREDITS
Lex comes in, the house is dark, he puts his guitar down in the dark, crosses the kitchen, and stumbles over something on the floor. He puts the light on. The kitchen is even more of a mess. Kay is on the floor, she groans.
Lex: Kay? Are you alright?
Kay: Too much of that green stuff.
Lex: (panicking) You drank my absinthe?
Kay: No.. The other one..
Lex: This is apple juice.. This isn't even alcoholic.
Kay: I know, but it filled me up. Can you help me up?
Lex: (helping her up) Where's my absinthe gone then?
Kay disappears
Lex follows her up the stairs. Focus remains on the empty kitchen. Lexi comes back in. Goes into a drawer, pulls out a whisk, puts it back. Pulls out a garlic crusher, asks himself "what the hell is that?", puts it back. Pulls out a corkscrew, puts it back. Rummages around. Pulls out scissors. Runs out of kitchen. Light turns off, left in dark. We hear footsteps up the stairs, and then Jack screams.
End of episode 1.
