BRITISH JUSTICE 2008

JUDGE ; Now then Mr Johnson. You are accused of reporting a robbery. How do you plead?

MR JOHNSON : I found Mr Briggs in my premises with a bag of my possesions.

JUDGE : Just answer the question. How do you plead?

MR JOHNSON : Not guilty of course.

JUDGE : Prosecuting counsel You can proceed.

PROSECUTER : Now then Mr Johnson. Can you takeme through your account of the evening of April 18th.

MR JOHNSON : Mr Briggs broke into my premises by smashing a window.

PROSECUTER : What did you expect him to do? You'd locked all the doors.

MR JOHNSON : This is ridiculous.

JUDGE : I must warn you Mr Johnson that another outburst like that and I will charge you with comtempt of court. You may proceed Mr Prosecuting Counsel.

PROSECUTER : Thank you m'lud. And did you Mr Johnson then arrive home unexpectedly?

MR JOHNSON : That is correct.

PROSECUTER : Don't you think that was a little unreasonable?

MR JOHNSON : UNREASONABLE!

JUDGE (BANGING HIS GAVEL) : Order, order. I've warned you once Mr Johnson. Next time I will carry out my threat. Carry on.

PROSECUTER : And then you proceeded to prevent Mr Briggs from leaving your premises.

MR JOHNSON : Wouldn't you?

JUDGE : Just answer the question Mr Johnson.

MR JOHNSON : Yes - that is correct.

PROSECUTER : And you then hit Mr Briggs with an umbrella. This while Mr Briggs was just trying to carry out his chosen occupation.

MR JOHNSON : But he pushed me over and ran away.

PROSECUTER : And to cap it all you then proceeded to ring the police to report the incident.

MR JOHNSON : That is correct.

PROSECUTER : Don't you think the police have enough to occupy their time? They have an abundance of paperwork to complete. You really shouldn't be wasting their time.

JUDGE : I agree. So is this a correct record of events Mr Johnson?

MR JOHNSON : Yes your honour.

JUDGE : Then I have no hesitation in finding you guilty as charged. I sentence you to 5 years hard labour. Case dismissed.

MR JOHNSON : But your honour ...

JUDGE : Take him away. Not what is the next case?

COURT OFFICER : A paedophile baby sitter who was beaten up by the father of the child.

JUDGE : I abhor violence. Let us proceed.

Nice one David (although sadly the way things seem to be these days). Liked it.

Yes David I like that one much.

Thanks Mike, thanks Charley!

Very good mate, I actually did lol, literally, this is a keeper, send it in to Purple Comedy or Newsrevue or something?

I found it a little on-the-nose, personally. The law being on the side of the criminals is kind of old hat as far as satire goes. Rule of thumb - if people are writing about it on the letters page of the Metro, it's probably played itself out.

I'm not sure that paedophiles are given much sympathy nowadays, beaten up or not. I loved the 'what did you expect him to do? You'd locked all the doors' line though.

Yes Cinnamon, that's the line I 'lol' at.

Thank you for all your comments. It was an exorcism of sorts - I know it may not be particularly original.

Quote: Cinnamon @ September 14, 2007, 3:51 PM

I'm not sure that paedophiles are given much sympathy nowadays, beaten up or not.

View original

I think they would from a Judge that way inclined.