Never really been one for scripted chat up lines, you don't need them in Essex 
However, when I first met, my now wife, she asked me 'what was I looking for in a woman?'
I replied, 'slurred speech'
We've never looked back 
Chat Up Lines Page 10
Quote: Timbo @ September 21 2009, 8:29 PM BSTBill Hicks said it best:
Yes I find some of this is true but in general they are the type of girls non jerks would struggle to bond with.
I did try acting like a bad boy once on a uni trip to Wales I was with a (hope this doesn't sound too snobby) scally girl I fancied and as we walked past the butchers I gave the butcher man the v signs. After that she appeared to be avoding me. I guess I was just too edgy.
I have no idea where I shared this story but as I have the anonymity of a fake name it feels like I've been closure of some kind.
Quote: Sofa_Matt @ September 21 2009, 10:00 PM BSTHowever, when I first met, my now wife, she asked me 'what was I looking for in a woman?'
I replied, 'slurred speech'
Ah... a woman who was drunk? Or one that had had a stroke? (Don't knock it, their gag reflex often disappears.)
Quote: RubyMae - Glamourous Snowdrop at Large @ September 21 2009, 3:46 PM BSTWhat women are YOU picking up? Danielle Lloyd?
I had to Google "Danielle Lloyd" to find out who she is. Looks nice but sounds awful, shallow and vain. So perhaps I do have something in common with her.
Quote: RubyMae - Glamourous Snowdrop at Large @ September 21 2009, 3:46 PM BSTHere is an idea. How about saying "Hello"?
Naturally.
Quote: Tim Walker @ September 21 2009, 11:33 PM BSTAh... a woman who was drunk? Or one that had had a stroke? (Don't knock it, their gag reflex often disappears.)
That reminds me of a rather funny story I heard once....
...I may even share it..... 
Quote: RubyMae - Glamourous Snowdrop at Large @ September 21 2009, 11:36 PM BSTThat reminds me of a rather funny story I heard once....
...I may even share it.....
Strokes do make speech difficult at times.
It wasn't the stroke bit that reminded me of it, it was the gag reflex bit. I have a friend who is a nurse who tells me these stories and I'm never sure if they are true or not but I really hope so! I'll try and remember it right...
One night in A&E they brought in a naked man and a naked woman. The woman had a serious head wound and the man was screaming in agony and bleeding from his Mr Happytime and both needed serious attention. When asked what happened the man explain that his wife and him were having sex in the kitchen and she was giving him oral when suddenly she had a epileptic fit and her jaw slam tight shut on his penis. She was moving so much, he was in pain and in fear of having his knob bitten off so he panics and grabbed a saucepan from the kitchen sink and smashed her over the head until she let go!
Oh the romance!
*writes that one down in future sitcom plot notebook*
There was also a story about a drunk guy brought in by the police who broke his hip. Turned out they caught him with his pants down trying to shag a statue in the middle of a park and he fell off.
Quote: RubyMae - Glamourous Snowdrop at Large @ September 22 2009, 12:03 AM BSTThere was also a story about a drunk guy brought in by the police who broke his hip. Turned out they caught him with his pants down trying to shag a statue in the middle of a park and he fell off.
*writes that one down as well* Thanks, Roo!
My only real dealing with the public story was back in the day when I used to do a lot of charity shop volunteering, they were selling videos for 50p and this little old lady came up to the till with "The Basketball Diaries" and told me she was getting it for her husband because he loves anything to do with sports.....
Roo, can I buy the script rights to the contents of your brain please?
Okay, Tim. I've got one for ya. A friend of mine is a nurse in a veteran's hospital. He worked on the old WW2 guy floor (that's what they actually call it!) and there was a guy they called Harry the Humper because he would dry hump any nurse that walked by. Well, Kevin was showing a new nurse (young girl in her mid 20s) around the floor and Harry the Humper came running our of his room totally naked, very excited, and grabbed the nurse from behind and started going to town. She stood there shocked, but very politely let him finish. Two orderlies came running over to drag him away, but not before he bent down and jabbed 2 fingers in about the worst place he could on a young female nurse! Kevin actually broke his fingers trying to free the nurse from him. I know you can't help but feel bad for the old guy, but the funny thing is that the night before Harry and the fella next door decided to get creative with the overhead florescent lightbulbs, together, sharing one. To this day, poor Kev can't tell this story without being in tears.
That said, I have no idea how you could film this and get it by the censors, but there you go.
When I used to work the medical wards I met a few old guys like Harry. 
Quote: Tim Walker @ September 22 2009, 12:59 AM BST
When I used to work the medical wards I met a few old guys like Harry.
Same for me. I used to volunteer a lot. Got my ass pinched many times, flashed a few and propositioned more times than I can remember.