Tried to fit an existing script to the Trials format without success. Any feedback appreciated.
[Now with spaces. That'll teach me to post when drunk]
INT. HOTEL ELDRITCH BAR - DAY
[HAMISH ENTERS. HE TURNS ON THE RADIO AND STARTS CLEANING]
DJ (O.S)
And that was The St Bernadette's School Choir with their version of the old Prodigy number Smack My Bitch Up. Now, as you all know, tonight is talent night in the village, so let's warm up those vocal chords, limber up your knife throwing arms, and get along to the Hotel Eldritch tonight. This next one's for Hamish and all the staff up there at the Hotel - a tune I'm sure you'll all remember - The Loch Eldritch Pipe Band playing the old folk classic, 'Fire up the wicker man, there's a fornicator in the village.'
[THERE IS A FRENZIED BANGING AT THE DOOR. HAMISH GRUNTS AND SWITCHES OFF THE RADIO]
HAMISH
We're not open.
WEE TAM
(OFF) Hamish, it's me, open the door!
[HAMISH WALKS OVER TO THE DOOR]
HAMISH
Who's me?
WEE TAM
C'mon, it's me, Tam. Quick, open the door.
HAMISH
(TORMENTING) How do I know it's you?
(BEAT)
WEE TAM
I'm wearing my brown cords.
[HAMISH UNBOLTS THE DOOR AND WEE TAM THE VERTICALLY CHALLENGED POSTMAN BURSTS IN DRAGGING HIS MAIL SACK BEHIND HIM]
WEE TAM
Quick, shut the door, it's the widow McMankie.
[HAMISH SWINGS THE DOOR SHUT. IMMEDIATELY THERE IS A BANG AS SOMETHING HEAVY CRASHES AGAINST THE DOOR]
HAMISH
Must be a terrible curse being a babe magnet, Tam.
WEE TAM
You're not wrong, Hamish.
[WEE TAM TAKES A PILE OF MAIL FROM HIS BAG AND LOOKS THROUGH IT]
WEE TAM
There's a lot of mail piling up at old Mrs Coulter's. Hasn't been touched for a few days now.
HAMISH
Aye?
WEE TAM
Aye. Bottles of milk and newspapers on the step as well. It's saving me a fortune!
[HAMISH STOPS WHAT HE'S DOING]
HAMISH
You don't think...
WEE TAM
Eh? Oh, no, I'm sure she's fine. In fact, oh, that's right; I remember her saying she was going to take a holiday as soon as she finished the chemotherapy.
[HAMISH LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY AT WEE TAM WHO QUICKLY CHANGES THE SUBJECT]
WEE TAM
Look at this. It's a bloody scandal the amount of mail I have to carry these days. Most of it's junk as well.
[HE RIPS OPEN A LETTER]
WEE TAM
I mean listen to this; 'Dear granddad, hope you are well,' blah, blah…'leaving for Canada...new address'…blah, blah, blah. Utter pish.
[HE SCRUNCHES UP THE LETTER AND THROWS IT AWAY. HE PICKS UP ANOTHER]
WEE TAM
Here's one for Alistair Kerr up at the treatment plant.
[HE RIPS IT OPEN AND STARTS READING]
WEE TAM
'Dear Alistair. I'm so sorry to be the bearer of bad news'…blah, blah…'father passed away'…here, that'll be old Jack Kerr. A smoker, Hamish. There's another smoker that's bought it. You might want to cut down on that pipe of yours or you'll be joining old Kerr in the happy hunting ground before long. You know Walter Raleigh was a pipe smoker? No? Well he was. And we all know what happened to him, don't we? Something to think about, Hamish. Something to think about.
(BEAT)
Should be some night tonight, though, eh, Hamish? The old talent night.
HAMISH
(Annoyed) Oh, aye, Tam. I'm a sucker for Step The Gaily played on an accordion. Maybe we'll get really lucky and Big Al from the sweetie shop will give us another rendition of The Candy Man.
WEE TAM
No, I mean the celebrity guest.
(BEAT)
HAMISH
What?
WEE TAM
The celebrity guest.
[WEE TAM PULLS THE LOCAL PAPER OUT OF HIS BACK POCKET. HAMISH JOINS HIM]
WEE TAM
'…so come and join us at the Hotel Eldritch where our special celebrity guest will be presenting our tombola prize'. What's a tombola?
HAMISH
(Distracted) It's 'Yank' for a raffle.
WEE TAM
Ah. The American still causing bother? Here, Hamish; I have a theory why he bought the hotel.
HAMISH
Do you now.
WEE TAM
CIA.
HAMISH
CIA? Do you think so, Tam?
WEE TAM
They're still looking for they weapons of mass destruction.
HAMISH
And here's me with all that anthrax in the cellar.
WEE TAM
He's on surveillance. And I think I know who he's surveilling.
[HE LEANS IN TO HAMISH]
Mrs Taggart's been getting a lot of mail these days. From Iraq.
HAMISH
Mrs Taggart?
WEE TAM
Aye. So, I'm thinking--
HAMISH
Jack Taggart's mother?
WEE TAM
Aye, what we should do is--
HAMISH
Corporal Jack Taggart?
WEE TAM
Aye. Will you keep up, Hamish. It's not like you.
HAMISH
Idiot. Give me that paper.
[HE SNATCHES THE PAPER FROM WEE TAM AND READS]
WEE TAM
So who's this celebrity, Hamish? C'mon, you know me, I can keep a secret.
HAMISH
You're not the only one, Tam. You're not the only one. Angus! Angus!
[ANGUS RUSHES IN. HE'S NAKED BUT FOR A TINY APRON AND CARRIES A LONG HANDLED DISH SCRUBBER]
HAMISH
Did you know about this?
ANGUS
What's that, Hamish?
[HAMISH JABS THE PAPER WITH HIS FINGER]
HAMISH
This… This… celebrity.
[ANGUS TENTATIVELY RAISES HIS HAND]
HAMISH
Did you now? And why was I not informed?
ANGUS
It's very hush, hush. Mr McPhee says it's on a need to know basis only.
HAMISH
Well, I need to know. Who is it?
[ANGUS IS ABOUT TO BLURT SOMETHING OUT BUT JUST CATCHES HIMSELF]
ANGUS
Nice try, Hamish.
HAMISH
You don't know, do you?
ANGUS
Nope.
WEE TAM
I hope it's Michael Barrymore.
HAMISH
Now that would be a rare treat indeed, Tam. Maybe he'll bring along that Timmy Mallet and I can depart this mortal coil a happy man.
ANGUS
I hope it's Kylie Minogue.
WEE TAM
Is she still not answering your letters?
ANGUS
No.
WEE TAM
Aw. She'll just be busy with all that singing and dancing she does.
HAMISH
Aye, that'll be it. That and her being a fine looking international singing star and you being a scrotum. Speaking of which. Get some clothes on, you're making me ill.
ANGUS
I've been modelling for Haivers. She says I've got what it takes to be a professional model. She's going to show the pictures to an agent she knows.
(BEAT)
(Shouts) Mrs Haivers, you forgot the camera again.
[THE HOTEL'S EFFERVESCENT AMERICAN OWNER, TYRONE McPHEE, STRIDES IN]
TYRONE
Hey, there you are team. Anyone would think you were trying to avoid me. Don't you know what time it is?
[HAMISH AND ANGUS LOOK APPREHENSIVE]
TYRONE (Cont'd)
That's right, it's hug o'clock. Come on now.
[TYRONE GATHERS HAMISH AND ANGUS TOGETHER IN A GROUP HUG]
TYRONE (Cont'd)
Alright! Now, let's keep this energy flowing through the day.
[ANGUS HAS GRABBED SOME ICE FROM THE BAR AND IS RUBBING IT ON HIS NIPPLES.
THE OTHERS WATCH IN SILENCE]
TYRONE (Cont'd)
Is it not a bit cold to be doing that, Angus?
ANGUS
I'm practicing. Mrs Haivers says I'll never be a model if I can't take the ice on my diddies.
TYRONE
Hey, that reminds me; there's a braw smell coming from the kitchen. What's Mrs Haivers cooking for tonight? Haggis?
HAMISH
Scrotums.
TYRONE
Mmm, yum! So, we all ready for talent night?
HAMISH
Oh, aye. Mrs Haivers and Angus here are going to be performing their famous spinning plate routine and I thought I'd yodel the Lord's Prayer while playing the arse trombone.
TYRONE
(Disappointed) Really? Oh… I thought we might, you know, do something together. I've got a great idea, it'll go down a storm, you wanna hear it?
HAMISH
No.
TYRONE
Oh.
WEE TAM
What's the raffle prize then, Mr McPhee?
ANGUS
A prize! Ooh. Is it a trip to Legoland?
TYRONE
No.
ANGUS
A moon buggy?
TYRONE
No.
ANGUS
Curling tongs?
TYRONE
All good guesses, Angus, but no. It's a prizewinning… stud ram!
HAMISH
A ram?
TYRONE
No, Hamish. A prizewinning stud ram. Mrs Haivers is looking after it for me.
[HAMISH AND ANGUS SHARE A LOOK]
TYRONE
What?
HAMISH / ANGUS
Nothing.
TYRONE
There's nothing wrong is there.
ANGUS
Don't you worry, Mr McPhee. Your Ram's safe and sound out the back. Not chopped up at all.
TYRONE
Glad to hear it. Now--
HAMISH
What's this I hear about a celebrity?
TYRONE
Exciting isn't it?
WEE TAM
Is it Michael Barrymore?
TYRONE
If only, Wee Tam. No, I can't tell you who it is. It'll ruin the surprise! Now; has everyone thought about my music suggestion for tonight? OK. Hands up for yes.
[NOBODY BUT TYRONE RAISES THEIR HAND]
TYRONE (Cont'd)
Well…alright, no bagpipes.
[WEE TAM BUTS IN]
WEE TAM
I knew a fella that died playing the pipes.
[THEY ALL TURN TO WEE TAM EXPECTING HIM TO EXPAND ON THIS. HE DOESN'T]
TYRONE
Now we all know the drill for tonight. Hamish--
WEE TAM
Just keeled over in the middle of a wedding. Aye. Dangerous things, pipes.
(BEAT)
TYRONE
Hamish behind the bar. Mrs Haivers in the kitchen. Angus waiting tables, and I'll meet and greet. Our guest should have been here by now. He hasn't called, has he?
HAMISH
Not a peep.
WEE TAM
So it's a he.
TYRONE
Sorry?
WEE TAM
You said 'he'. 'He hasn't called'. So the celebrity's a man?
TYRONE
Yes, Wee Tam. The celebrity's a man.
WEE TAM
It is Michael Barrymore!
ANGUS
I've never met a celebrity before. Do you think they eat cheese?
WEE TAM
I went to school with that Mel Gibson.
HAMISH
Mel Gibson? The actor?
WEE TAM
The very same.
ANGUS
Did he eat cheese?
TYRONE
Isn't he from Australia?
WEE TAM
Ah, no. That's a common misconception. He was born here in Eldritch.
HAMISH
You did not go to school with Mel Gibson.
WEE TAM
I did so. You must remember him, Hamish. Ugly wee fat toad of a boy he was. Always smelled like he'd fell in the midden.
HAMISH
That was me, Tam.
TAM
Oh.
ANGUS
You were great in Mad Max.
[A DISTANT CALL FROM OUTSIDE]
VOICE (O.S)
Hello?
TYRONE
It's him! (Shouts) Come around to the side. We're in the bar.
[THE GROUP HOLD THEIR BREATH IN ANTICIPATION.
THERE IS A CRUNCH OF GRAVEL AS THE CELEBRITY WALKS AROUND THE HOTEL.
THE SOUND OF WALKING ON GRAVEL CHANGES TO THAT OF WALKING ON WOOD.
SUDDENLY, THERE IS THE SOUND OF SPLINTERING WOOD FOLLOWED BY A CRY THAT TRAILS OFF AND ENDS IN A THUMP]
TYRONE
(To Hamish) Did you ever get round to fixing the beer cellar door?
END OF PART ONE
PART TWO- INT. HOTEL ELDRITCH BAR - NIGHT
[THE DEAD CELEBRITY SITS SLUMPED ON A TABLE. A TABLECLOTH COVERS HIM.
ANGUS, HAMISH AND WEE TAM ARE AT THE BAR.
TYRONE, CLAPPING HIS HANDS, TAKES CENTRE STAGE]
TYRONE
Thank you, Mrs Haivers, for that wonderful, eh, display. I know I for one will never be able to look at a table tennis ball in the same light again. Now, next up, we have our very own Hamish, Angus and Wee Tam with their rendition of 'Wild Mountain Thyme'.
[ANGUS, HAMISH AND WEE TAM TAKE CENTRE STAGE AND SING THE SONG BEAUTIFULLY]
TYRONE
Thank you. And now, my friends, the moment you've all been waiting for, the tombola. And to make the draw… well, I don't think our special guest, our very tired special guest, needs any introduction.
[ANGUS REMOVES THE CLOTH FROM THE DEAD CELEBRITY.
HE THEN GRABS A LONG STICK THAT IS ATTACHED TO THE CELEBRITY'S ARM. THE CELEBRITY'S HAND IS COVERED IN CELLOTAPE.
TYRONE HOLDS A BUCKET OF RAFFLE TICKETS OUT TO THE CELEBRITY.
ANGUS RAISES THE ARM THEN DROPS IT INTO THE BUCKET.
HE PULLS THE ARM BACK OUT. RAFFLE TICKETS ARE STUCK TO THE HAND]
TYRONE
Hoots! Looks like we got ourselves a winner, folks.
[TYRONE PEELS A TICKET FROM THE CELEBRITY'S HAND]
TYRONE (Cont'd)
The lucky ticket is number...
HAMISH
Here.
[HAMISH WAVES HIS TICKET IN THE AIR]
TYRONE
…42. Well done, Hamish. And here… is your prize!
[TYRONE THROWS OUT HIS ARM IN A GRAND GESTURE. NOTHING HAPPENS]
ANGUS
You know, Mr McPhee. Rams are well known for committing suicide.
THE END
