A new take on an old joke:
-------------------------
INT. SUPERMARKET. DAY
A MAN WALKS ALONG PAST BUSY CHECKOUTS WITH A FULL BASKET. HE PASSES AN EMPTY SELF CHECKOUT AND STOPS TO LOOK AT IT. HE WALKS TO IT AND PLACES HIS BASKET ON THE SIDE OF THE MACHINE
SELF CHECKOUT MACHINE:
Beep. Welcome to the self checkout service.
THE MAN PICKS AN ITEM FROM HIS BAG. IT IS A SMALL PACKET OF DRIED SPAGHETTI. HE SCANS IT AND BAGS IT
SCM:
Beep. Packet of spaghetti. For one. Loner.
THE MAN STOPS, LOOKING PUZZLED. HE REACHES INTO HIS BASKET AND PULLS OUT SOME HAND SOAP. HE SCANS AND BAGS
SCM:
Beep. Lavender hand soap. Poof.
THE MAN LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE HAS HEARD. HE PULLS AN OK MAGAZINE FROM HIS BAG AND IS ABOUT TO SCAN IT. SOMEONE WALKS PAST AND HE STOPS, WATCHING THEM AS THEY PASS. ONCE THEY HAVE GONE, HE SCANS IT QUICKLY AND PUTS IT IN HIS BAG
SCM:
Beep. Oh my god. OK magazine? What next? Anal lube?
THE MAN HAS SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT SCANNING THE TUB OF VASELINE HE HAS JUST RETRIEVED FROM THE BASKET AND LEAVES IT ON THE SIDE. INSTEAD HE PICKS OUT THE NEXT ITEM, A DVD OF SAW THREE
SCM:
Beep. Scary film.
THE MAN LOOKS PLEASE WITH HIMSELF, BAGS IT, AND REACHES FOR THE NEXT ITEM. THE MACHINE INTERRUPTS HIM
SCM:
It's alright though. You can just cuddle up behind a pillow with your boyfriend.
THE MAN GETS FRUSTRATED AND 'SHUSHES' THE MACHINE EXAGGERATEDLY. AFTER A PAUSE HE REACHES FOR THE NEXT ITEM. ITS A PACKET OF POLO MINTS. THE MAN SCANS THEM APPREHENSIVELY.
SCM:
Beep. Polo mints. Breath stink does it? Smell of nob does it? I don't think your boyfriend is going to want to kiss you if you smell of nob is he? Bender, bender, you like it in your rear end-er...
THE MAN LOOSES HIS PATIENCE AND KICKS THE MACHINE, THEN WALKS OFF STAMPING HIS FEET
SCM:
Yeah, walk away you poofter, go cry in your car. You look like a dogs butt-hole!
PULL BACK TO REVEAL SIGN ON MACHINE SAYING, 'SELF CHECKOUT MACHINE OUT OF ORDER'
