[FINAL EDIT: I've now cracked the formatting problem.]
"bangbangclick (PILOT)"INT. VICTIM'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
VICTIM is sitting in an armchair watching TV. He's a
middle-aged chap, late thirties or early forties. He hears
footsteps behind him and turns towards the sound. We cut to
a POV SHOT from his MURDERER.The VICTIM looks up, surprised.
VICTIM
Who... who are you?MURDERER (O.S.)
I am your worst nightmare.VICTIM
Wha-? You don't look anything like
my mother!MURDERER
(sighs) Okay, fine! I'm your
second worst nightmare!We hear a GUNSHOT. The VICTIM slumps in his chair, his
blood slowly pooling from the gunshot wound in his head.MURDERER (O.S., to self) (CONT'D)
There, my beloved! He shall abuse
you no more!We hear the sound of the MURDERER's footsteps leaving; a
door opens and slams shut; the footsteps fade away as the
screen fades to black.EXT. VICTIM'S HOUSE - VERY EARLY MORNING
In the background, we see flashing lights from emergency
services vehicles, sirens, a number of constables and
forensics people striding purposefully about. A small crowd
of interested bystanders is looking on beyond the taped-off
crime scene area. A camera crew is following HARRY as he
steps out of the house. His appearance causes a wild cheer
to erupt from the crowd. HARRY basks in the adulation for a
brief moment, before continuing down the steps to the lawn.Standing on the front lawn is a woman wearing a nightdress.
This is VIRGINIA, wife of the VICTIM. Her daughter, KATE,
about 8 years old and dressed in pyjamas, holds her mother's
hand tight. She's sobbing. HARRY approaches them. VIRGINIA
looks up at him as KATE turns to sob into her mother's dress.VIRGINIA
Is he...?HARRY
Dead? Yes, I'm afraid so.VIRGINIA
How...?HARRY
We suspect he was shot.BYSTANDERS & OTHERS
(wild applause, sarcastic cries of
"oh well done!", "good work!", "I
love you Harry!", Etc.)HARRY
Bows grandly and waits for the
noise to die down.VIRGINIA
Shot? My George? What makes you say
that?HARRY
The large bullet hole in his head
was our first clue.(beat)
Then we found this.HARRY holds up a transparent evidence bag containing a
gore-stained bullet. We PUSH IN and see that the bullet has
"George Tranter" clearly and neatly engraved on it.HARRY
I think the evidence is pretty
strong that George Tranter was
killed by a bullet with his name on
it. Possibly fired from a gun.VIRGINIA
Oh no! But... but who could
possibly want to do such a thing my
darling George?HARRY
Tell me, ma'am, did your husband
ever... argue with people?VIRGINIA
Why, yes. He was very opinionated.
To a fault, I'd say!HARRY
Did he write letters to newspapers,
or frequent internet forums?VIRGINIA
Yes, he did!HARRY
And what was his spelling like?VIRGINIA
Oh, just awful! He suffered
terribly from dyslexia, poor dear.HARRY
You've confirmed my worst fears I'm
afraid this looks like the work
of... The Grammar Nazi!MUSIC: Clichd dramatic thirds.
BYSTANDERS & OTHERS
(gasps of horror, shock, fainting,
etc.)VIRGINIA clasps her daughter more closely to her. She's
utterly terrified now, glancing around warily at the
bystanders.VIRGINIA
(shocked) No!HARRY
Yes, The Grammar Nazi!HARRY turns to address the crowd in grand, oratory fashion.
HARRY (CONT'D)
Truly, the most evil man ever
spawned! That scourge of misspelled
words, split infinitives, text-speak
and the grocer's apostrophe! He
must be stopped!"AESTHETIC FAULT" CAPTION CARD APPEARS.
NARRATOR (V.O.) (V.O.)
We would like to apologise for the
overacting in this scene.
(Beat)BACK TO SCENE.
VIRGINIA
(feeling faint) Oh, my dearest
George! Murdered by that foul swine!
And here am I--KATE
(interrupting) And me! Don't
forget me, mummy! You promised me a
pony!VIRGINIA
(hugs KATE close) Oh Kate, darling!
Oh! How shall we survive?KATE
What about that insurance thing you
talked about? You said daddy's death
would leave us with a hundred
thousand pounds a year!VIRGINIA hurriedly clamps a hand over KATE's mouth.
KATE (CONT'D)
Mmmff!VIRGINIA
(tearful) Yes, only a hundred
thousand pounds after taxes! A
pittance compared to the love we
shared! A pittance!VIRGINIA grabs HARRY, shakes him melodramatically like a
cut-rate soap star...VIRGINIA (CONT'D)
Avenge me! Avenge my dear George!
Swear to me that you shall find this
evil man and bring him to justice!
For me! For my dear daughter! And
for my dear, dear George!HARRY
You have my word on it ma'am! I,
Freelance Detective Harry Lewisham,
will stop at nothing to catch... The
Grammar Nazi!NARRATOR (V.O.)
Okay, okay, we get it already! Roll
titles!Title sequence under:
HARRY (O.S.)
Do you mind? Some of us are trying
to act, here!NARRATOR (V.O.)
You call that acting?HARRY (O.S.)
This from the has-been soap star
sitting in a poxy sound booth! At
least I'm on-screen! You don't even
get a character name!NARRATOR (V.O.)
Oh? Is that how it is?HARRY (O.S.)
Yeah!At this point, the titles have finished running. They're
stuck on the final shot of HARRY and HILARIOUS CONSEQUENCES
("HC") grinning to camera in the usual freeze-frame with the
episode title. This time, however, they're faking the
freeze-frame. They continue grinning throughout the
following dialogue, gradually losing their grins and getting
fed up.NARRATOR (V.O.)
Right! I'm off! I don't have to
put up with this kind of treatment!HARRY (O.S.)
No you're not! I suggest you read
the small print on your contract.FX: Rustling of paper. (O.S.)
NARRATOR (V.O.)
(to self)
What the..?
(to HARRY)
Damn! How did you do that?HARRY (O.S.) (O.S.)
Does the name Annalise ring a bell?
Lovely woman. Runs an agency,
apparently. Or so she told me over
a romantic dinner for two...NARRATOR (V.O.) (V.O.)
You... She... I'll... I'll...
She's supposed to be working for me!Now the HARRY and HC in the fake freeze-frame have had
enough. HARRY speaks up, in-vision:HARRY
(angry)
Hey! There's enough padding in
this episode without you two adding
to it!HC
Yeah! Shut it, the pair of you!The HARRY from the previous scene pipes up:
HARRY (O.S.) (O.S.)
You two stay out of this! That
scene doesn't even take place until
Episode 3!NARRATOR
(clears throat)
You there, in the edit suite?
Would you mind awfully cutting
here..?CUT TO:
INT. HARRY'S OFFICE. - LATER
A cluttered private detective's office. Very shiny and
expensive. Photos and newspaper articles of HARRY and
HILARIOUS' successes adorn the wall. An outer room can be
seen through the HARRY'S office door, with a desk. HC is
puttering about the outer office, filing, filling in forms,
etc. His desk is piled with folders and the detritus of work.HARRY'S desk, on the other hand, is minimalist in the
extreme. A huge, polished monster of a desk with nothing on
it except a Newton's Cradle executive toy.HARRY is swinging idly back and forth in his chair,
occasionally fiddling with the desk toy.NARRATOR
Thank you!HARRY glances to camera, gives a meaningful look.
NARRATOR (CONT'D)
(grudging)
Sorry.HARRY
(beat)
(sighs)
Okay, let's get the exposition over
with.
