Sketch - The Karma Bank

Hi Folks

Thoughts would be appreciated.

Bashed out in anger after bank tribulations.

Customer Mr Jones enters room and is greeted by Manager of the Karma Bank sitting behind his desk

-Ah Mr Jones, I believe you are here to discuss some issues with your Karma plus account

-That's right, there are some indiscretions pending and I wanted to discuss in more detail with you and insure no fines have been applied to my account.

-Well I can see here you have a karma overdraft facility that has been severely breached with transgression after transgression. You have been a naughty boy haven't you!

-This is why I am here, I had checked my balance on Saturday and I had plenty of funds available, but upon looking on Monday my overdraft had been exceeded, and I can't understand why.

-Well let's check through some of these transactions shall we. We have one here which debited your account was on Thursday 7th and that was from Tony plc. This relates to you pissing over his tomato plants at three in the morning.

- Yup, I was kind of aware of that transaction, but wasn't so sure he was!

- The next one here has debited on Monday 11th and I have here that you offended your good friend Sally by insinuating that you had sex with her mother, who is an MS sufferer?

-This transaction was on Saturday, why would it have debited my account on Monday?

-Was the insinuation delivered to Sally face to face?

-No the insinuation was made to her boyfriend, James.

-Ah well that explains it, it wasn't what we call an 'over the counter' purchase. Sometimes, when you go through a third party it doesn't debit your account immediately and your balance therefore appears bigger than it is!

-But James told her almost immediately on Saturday so why didn't it hit my account then?

-It will have been in the system but as it was over the weekend it won't have shown on your account until Monday.

-But I looked at my account on Saturday it said I had sufficient funds for numerous transgressions, had I have known I wouldn't have been so frivolous!

-I can see here, that James himself has also debited for offence taken to your comments.

-I don't believe it, the bastard.

-You really will have to manage your account better Mr Jones, this isn't the first time you have exceeded your limit!

- It would help if your system was a little swifter in debiting!

-I'm afraid management of your account is wholly your responsibility and not that of The Karma Bank. Tell me did you actually have sex with her mother?

-Yes, I did.

-How was it?

-She was great in bed, but the conversation was poor!

-You are despicable!

-It was a misunderstanding; I thought I was going to an S&M party. She didn't seem to mind though.
-Well that remains to be seen, nothing is showing here from her, though given her condition it might take quite a while for that one to show up.

End

Hi there,

Ok - firstly I'd recommend a little formattign tweak. I know it sounds minor but it'll certainly help the guys on here who comment a lot.

Just putting:

BANK TELLER
Blah Blah Blah

CUSTOMER
Blah blah.

would work.

As for the sketch - there are some nice lines of dialogue, but I think this set up has been done loads. In saying that, you've tried to do something original with the evil acts - it's not personally for me, but do see what the others think.

Another slight bit of feedback, and this may again be personal - a sketch shouldn't be littered with exclamation marks - it seems too self aware; little lines of punctuation shouting 'Look at me!! I'm a joke!!' - It does seem minor but I've heard quite a lot of people say the same thing.

I'd have another look and really focus on what makes it different to other bank scenes - as I say, some nice lines of dialogue.

Like Rick says could you format it, like that it take less effort on my part (und udders).

Yup apprecite the formatting elements, did bash this out in a hurry.

Point taken re having been done before.

Havent written any sketches for a while and it showed!

s