Punch N' Judy

A stage sketch

(Northern accents - Judy is trembling).

PUNCH
Hello Boy sand Girls!! I can't hear you! I said hello boys and girls! I'm Punch and this is my wife, Judy! Say 'hello' Judy!

JUDY
Hi.

PUNCH
Say it properly, Judy.

JUDY
Hello boys and girls.

PUNCH
That's the way to do it! (aside) Well, they were louder for me, weren't they? Excuse my wife, boys and girls, she's a little bit inhibited at the moment. She doesn't think I treat her right, do you Judy?

JUDY
I'm fine.

PUNCH
She says that our relationship has become abusive, degrading and voyeuristic; do you want to see her evidence boys and girls? (Beat) I can't hear you! Do you want to see why she thinks I'm abusive, boys and girls? (Rolling up sleeves) Shall we?

(Crocodile enters).

PUNCH
(Mock fear) Oh no, a big greeny crocodile. A big greeny crocodile come to eat me all up.

CROC
Look, Punch, we've been through this. You're going to have to leave her be.

PUNCH
Oh, look! Big greeny crocodile poking his long greeny snout into business that still doesn't concern him.

CROC
The restraining order's in place now, Punch, so perhaps you should just...

JUDY
Leave it, Colin, I can handle this.

PUNCH
Listen to Judy, Big Greeny, listen to Judy and f**k off.

CROC
Judy might be scared of you Punch, but some of us...

(Punch goes to one side of the stage and pulls up a big stick. The crocodile goes to the other and pulls our a string of sausages. He looks forlorn).

PUNCH
What's he going to do with them, boys and girls? What are you going to do with them, you reptilian turd?

(Beat)

(The CROC begins to wield the sausage string like nun-chucks).

PUNCH
If your sausages go anywhere near my wife.

CROC
By all accounts, Punch, if your sausage was as wooden as the rest of you you wouldn't be having these problems.

JUDY
Boys. Boys. Both of you, just leave it be.

PUNCH
Says you, with a giant hairy hand up your skirt. She can't function, boys and girls, without a hand up her petticoat.

CROC
Right.

PUNCH
Bring it on, lizard.

JUDY
Stop. Stop. Think of the children.

Beat

(Punch whacks the crocodile).

CROC
Bastard.

(He collapses).

PUNCH
See you later, alligator. So where were we?

JUDY
Oh, Punch, you really tamed that wild beast.

PUNCH
Well, I....

JUDY
Oh, but your'e such a strong man. And look at your big stick.

PUNCH
Hang on Judy; what was I mad about?

JUDY
(seductive) Maybe we should sleep on it...

PUNCH
You're a filthy woman, Judy.

BEAT

JUDY
(to audience) That's the way to do it.

That's really good and a very strong idea, but I think you don't need to explain as much as you do. The idea jumps off the page it needs less intro, also maybe adding the PC and the baby could help?

But overall I like it.

Cheers SootyJ - I went for that deliberately as it's on stage so the costumes and such distract - I didn't think it impacted the humour though, so I'll go over it again - cheers for the feedback as always

I think sometimes when you start normal and then go screaming into madness it can take people more by surprise. Also the crocodile as a social worker? You never get your kids back?

Interesting stuff - nice one - and I certainly agree with the madness bit, that's given me an idea...

Rick - You are on fire!

I read this as the crocodile being Judy's new boyfriend, which worked for me, but I also like the idea of the whole social services / police involvement too.

Good stuff!

Sound idea, Rick. A re-write [or two] could make this very good. It could also develop into a runner.

Ta all - I'm not convinced by second half and am working on it.

Acting in it too - now that's going to be a bit naff.

We have a Punch and Judy as social realism sketch in the sketch show I just performed in at Edinburgh, where the sketch isn't actually performed as it is deemed too horrific but floated around as an idea. I was going to write a sequel for this for next years show but actually use the puppets and the puppet stand for it. It was nice to read a similar but very different take on it. I enjoyed it. Nice sketch.

I thought it was a great concept and v funny. I kinda lost it for a sec wi the sausages going hard and stuff (thought it was going down a 'carry on' vein) but it came back immediately. Really enjoyed it.

cheers all

It strikes me as a nearly there but not quite - and yep, I may be extremely guilty in the 'carry on' stakes. Carry On Steaks, a carnivorous romp through....see, can't help meself

Excellent!

Quote: Sammy @ September 2 2009, 3:14 PM BST

We have a Punch and Judy as social realism sketch in the sketch show I just performed in at Edinburgh, where the sketch isn't actually performed as it is deemed too horrific but floated around as an idea. I was going to write a sequel for this for next years show but actually use the puppets and the puppet stand for it. It was nice to read a similar but very different take on it. I enjoyed it. Nice sketch.

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What sketch show were you in Sammy? One of my writing partners saw all the free sketch shows he could get his grubby mitts on

lol Quality, even down to 'The CROC begins to wield the sausage string like nun-chucks'