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Hey guys,

I've just started working on a new script, where the story revolves around the life of a guy who's girlfriend has just won a Reality TV show. It's in its very early stages, but I'd like to get some of your feedback on what you think of the opening two scenes. And as for what it is (comedy, comedy/drama, etc.) I prefer not to assign a label because that brings prior expectations and relative comparisons into the equation, rather than judging it as 'what it is'.

Anyway, all feedback is welcome...and I'll post my first draft of the first two scenes below.

Thanks,
Charisma.

SC1. INT. - X FACTOR TELEVISION STUDIO

PRESENTER
And the winner of The X Factor 2010 is...Gemma Fox!

(SLOW MOTION) GEMMA IS SHOCKED, AS GLITTER FALLS FROM THE CEILING AND FIREWORKS GO OFF ALL AROUND. THE AUDIENCE GIVE A STANDING OVATION, AND OLLIE AT THE SIDE OF THE STAGE CELEBRATES GEMMA'S WIN.

OPENING CREDITS.

INT. - X FACTOR TELEVISION STUDIO

THE CROWDS HAVE CLEARED FROM THE STUDIO AND CLEANERS ARE SWEEPING UP THE GLITTER ON THE STAGE. OLLIE HAS COME BACK INTO THE STUDIO TO TRY AND GO BACKSTAGE TO MEET UP WITH GEMMA. HE APPROACHES SECURITY ON THE DOOR.

OLLIE
Hi mate, my name is Ollie. Gemma Fox is my girlfriend, can I go-

SECURITY
We've all had that fantasy, mate.

OLLIE
Erm...no, she actually is my girlfriend. Can I go-

SECURITY
Have you got a pass?

OLLIE
I haven't actually, no.

SECURITY
No pass, no entry.

OLLIE
Can you not radio through to someone and ask if I can go through?

SECURITY
No pass, no entry.

OLLIE
But-

SECURITY
Look mate, are you too thick to get it? Jog on.

OLLIE
Me? Thick? Sorry, how many A-Levels did you need to get that job as a doorman?

GEMMA'S AGENT, MARK, APPROACHES.

MARK
I'll handle this, thanks. Ollie, isn't it?

OLLIE
Yeah?

MARK
I'm Mark, Gemma's agent. She said you'd probably be out here so I said I'd come and talk to you.

OLLIE
Oh, OK?

MARK
She's very busy. Press interviews, photos, you know.

OLLIE
Well, can I go backstage and see her?

MARK
It's perhaps best not, my suggestion is head home. I'll take her to a fancy hotel tonight, make sure she's alright.

OLLIE
Can I just speak to her? I only want to congratulate her.

MARK
Yeah, that's the thing. She's very busy.

OLLIE
I know, you said! She is my girlfriend, though. I should be with her.

MARK
I know, but we've got business decisions to make. We have to consider which projects to get in...and which body parts to get out, if you know what I mean.

OLLIE
You what? She'd never do that.

MARK
Well, they all say that. But when there's ten grand on offer, people tend to be a little more open to the idea.

OLLIE
Not Gemma. She wouldn't. She's got too much dignity. Look, can I stay in the hotel with her?

MARK
She's got an exciting journey ahead of her-

OLLIE
Stop talking to me like that.
MARK
She needs time alone. Trust me, I've been in this situation before. I'll tell her you were here. You can see her in a few days when it's quietened down a bit.

OLLIE
A few days?! Are you kidding?

MARK
(SERIOUS) Look Ollie, I've tried to be polite, but just look at yourself. How selfish are you?! Your girlfriend has just won the country's biggest Talent contest. She has endless avenues to explore. She's got very important decisions to make, one of which could, and probably should, be ending it with you. You're a nobody. She is a somebody. And the sooner you realise that, the better.

GEMMA COMES RUNNING FROM BACKSTAGE.

GEMMA
Ollie!

OLLIE
Gemma!

THEY HUG AND KISS.

MARK
Gemma, I was just telling Ollie how much we've got to do this evening.

GEMMA
Oh, I can talk to him for a bit though, first, can't I?

MARK
Erm...sure. Of course.

MARK BACKS AWAY TO GIVE GEMMA AND OLLIE SOME SPACE TO TALK.

OLLIE
Well done, baby, I'm so proud of you. You were amazing up there tonight.

GEMMA
Thank you.

OLLIE
You so deserve this.

GEMMA
Thanks. You've been great as well, you've helped me so much, I couldn't have done it if I didn't have you there for me.

OLLIE
So what have you got to do tonight?

GEMMA
I don't really know, I just keep getting dragged around. You've met Mark then?

OLLIE
Yeah, I'm not sure I like him.

GEMMA
What? No, he's great when you get to know him.

OLLIE
He was just talking about you getting your boobs out.

MARK
Gemma?

GEMMA
(LAUGHS) No, don't be silly. Look, I've got to go. I'll call you later tonight. Love you.

OLLIE
Love you too.

GEMMA AND MARK START WALKING BACKSTAGE.

OLLIE
(POINTING TO HIS BREAST REGION) You keep Eric and Ernie under wraps till I see you next!

GEMMA TURNS BACK AND GRINS.

FADE OUT.

SC2. INT. PUB

OLLIE IS SAT IN HIS LOCAL PUB HAVING A PINT AS STAN ARRIVES.

STAN
You lucky bastard!

OLLIE
Stan the man! I've got you a pint.

STAN
I can't believe you. You are so lucky. You're like the girl in that Britney Spears song.

OLLIE
What? Lucky? That was just her name, she wasn't actually lucky herself.

STAN
Yeah she was.

OLLIE
No. She used to cry, cry, cry in her lonely heart.

STAN
Did she? Why? I thought she had everything. She was a Hollywood girl.

OLLIE
Well, that was the thing. If there was nothing missing in her life, then why did those tears come at night?

STAN
Strange. But you are lucky though. I ring you up, "Do you want to go out tonight? Few drinks." "Nah, I think I'll stay in. I've got to do some ironing." "Oh, come on, it's a Saturday night. You're single, you shouldn't be staying in. Come out." "Oh OK, but just for a couple". We go out, and for some bizarre reason, a stunning girl starts talking to you. We've been friends for five years and this has never happened before. Ever. I'm looking around to see if someone has bet this girl to chat you up. But no, it seems she's serious. I've had a shave, had a shower-

OLLIE
For once...

STAN
I'm looking pretty good. But she's got her eyes set on you and there's no-one interested in muggins here. 12 months later, this girl, who is now your girlfriend, wins X-Factor. What's up with that?!

OLLIE
What can I say? Thanks for asking me to go for a drink with you?

STAN
Like I said, lucky bastard!

OLLIE
I honestly can't believe it though. I'm still in shock to be honest. Hasn't really sunk in yet.

STAN
You say that like you just the won the competition yourself!

OLLIE
Yeah, I do admit I did contribute very little towards the winning aspect!

STAN
Do you realise things will never be the same again?

OLLIE
Like in the Melanie C song?

STAN
Featuring Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes?

OLLIE
That's the one.

STAN
But that was because Mel C was naïve enough to think that her and this guy...or girl?

OLLIE
No, I think she's straight.

STAN
You never know with these Sporty ones, do you? Anyway, she thought her and the person of unspecified gender would just be friends. That's why, for them, things would never be the same again.

OLLIE
I don't think there are any songs which say 'things will never be the same again because your girlfriend has just won a reality TV show'.

STAN
True. There wouldn't be that many people that applies to.

OLLIE
Although that didn't stop The Beatles. How many people have actually lived in an Octopus's Garden?

STAN
Yep, and of those who have, how many have been in the shade?

OLLIE
Exactly.

STAN
Seriously though, things have changed forever. Everyone, everywhere knows who Gemma Fox is. You're now a celebrity.

OLLIE
That's ridiculous. I'm not at all. No-one, nowhere knows who I am.

STAN
You are! People will see photos in the magazines: oh, who's that walking alongside Gemma Fox? It's Ollie Johnson! Gemma Fox's new single is about the love of her life: who's that song about? It's Ollie Johnson! Gemma Fox gets her tits out in a Lad's Mag and declares they're called Eric and Ernie: what idiot would name their girlfriend's boobs that? Oh, it's Ollie Johnson.

OLLIE
One, none of that is ever going to happen. And two, Eric and Ernie makes sense! They both bring me lots of pleasure, and one's bigger than the other!

STAN
Plus, if she complains that you're not doing it right, you can say "I am pushing all your right buttons, but not necessarily in the right order!"

OLLIE
(SARCASTIC) Good one.

STAN
Well, when I tried to name my girlfriend's boobs after a lovable comedy duo, she broke up with me.

OLLIE
That's because you called them Beavis and Butt-head. What did you expect?

STAN
Ah well. What's more important though is that you're going to be a celebrity! Yay!

OLLIE
No.

STAN
Yeah, you are. You should look into getting an agent.

OLLIE
No.

STAN
I could be your agent. I need a job.

OLLIE
No.

STAN
Just think about it. Everyone loves Gemma Fox. If you make them love Ollie Johnson, you could become the new Posh and Becks.

OLLIE PAUSES FOR A FEW SECONDS TO CONSIDER THIS SUGGESTION. IT APPEARS TO HAVE RESONATED WITH HIM.

OLLIE
Hmm...

STAN
Of course, you'd have to be Posh because Gemma's the one with talent.

BARMAN
Come on lads, drink up, we're closing now.

OLLIE LOOKS AT STAN.

OLLIE
Closing time.

STAN
Semisonic.

OLLIE
You don't have to go home.

BOTH
But you can't stay here!

STAN
3, 2, 1.

THEY BOTH DOWN THEIR PINTS.

STAN
(SATISFACTION) Argh.

OLLIE
(SARCASTIC) We're so cool.

THEY GET UP AND LEAVE.

This reminds me of a lot of those bbc3 sitcoms you get, such as 2 pints etc except a lot less vulgar so I think it would have a target audience. It's very lighthearted and I can imagine people enjoying this although its not strictly my kind of thing.

There are a lot of quite dated music references in it, which I would cut back on, but on the whole it is pleasant enough, has a nice pace and I enjoyed reading it. The one thing I would say to work on is not having so much exposition. There are better ways of explaining back story without just having a character explain it all, and it will give you more to play with while you find them.

Another thing I would look at is defining the two characters more so they are distinguishable from each other, at the moment both the male parts could be inter changable. I've always been told that if you cover up the names of the character, you should still be able to tell who is speaking due to the lines being written very differently. Maybe something to think about.

It's a good start though, would like to see more as you develop it

Oops, I've just realised when I edited this post, I deleted the first scene by accident. It may have seemed a bit weird then!! I've re-done it with the first scene added.

Thanks for the feedback, the two guys aren't very different in this, I agree. I have never thought much about the STAN character and was hoping through writing I'd find a feel for him, then I could come back and adapt the first draft accordingly. I also agree about the music references, I didn't like them as I was writing it, but again, was hoping to go back and change when I got a bit further along.

If you could possibly look at the 1st scene and consider the 2nd alongside it, now that I've made up for my original cock-up, that'd be really great!

It makes more sense now with the opening scene and I like the opening with all the glitz and glam at the start but I feel the whole scene could be done a lot quicker and snappier. The relationship between Gemma and Ollie seems very sweet and healthy - and personally I don't think there is much comedy in a loving happy relationship! There needs to be more conflict and tension in the first scene, and I don't think the manager brings enough. Rather than Gemma being so great and lovely, could it be turned on its head and she is a complete nightmare? We need a monster. Maybe Gemma could be it? Maybe she seems sweet in front of the cameras but behind it she is a total diva or something? And Ollie is blind to it? I'm not sure. Need more jokes at the start though and at the moment I think you need stronger characters to create those jokes.

Generally I think your main characters need to have more obvious flaws, so that we can recognise instantly what kind of character they are and also creating more comedy.

Ooh ooh ooh. That's a cracking idea! I've spent the last few days thinking that a programme about a relation of a reality winner would be great and the writing is OK, but its really missing something. This is it, you've hit the nail on the head. Exactly what I was looking for and new was missing...thank you so much!

I have to be honest, I couldn't get all the way through this. I found the dialogue boring and I would bet the idea underpinning it all has been thought up by lots of other people, I had a not too dissimilar idea a while back when these type of reality shows hadn't been going so long. It feels very much like a first draft so I'd be interested to see if you could speed it up and introduce some 'funny' but the idea is quite an obvious one so unless the writing absolutely blew a producer or someone in the 'industry' away I couldn't see it going anywhere.
Best of luck though. Prove me wrong!