Halal pub

DERECK AND DENZIL ARE WALKING INTO A PUB.

DERECK
I don't know what's wrong with the Old Turk's Head?

DENZIL
Mate you've got to try new things, widen your horizons. Besides Big Dave banned me for hiding cans in the gents .
DERECK
Well it looks ok.
DENZIL
Looks like a proper authentic boozer look it's even got an old bloke with a dog on a rope. Alright geezer.
OLDMAN
Salaam Aleichem.
DERECK
Do what? What are you a Muslim what you doing in a pub? And that's not a dog it's a goat on a lead!
OLDMAN
Oh I'm an actor and this is my pet goat TonyB. The publican hired me to add some local colour.
PUB LANDLORD WALKS AROUND THE BAR.
LANDLORD
Aah gentlemen what'll it be?
DERECK
Hold up Sonny Jim. What's going on here?
DENZIL
Is this some sort of Al Quaeda pub? Are you fiends infiltrating our pubs now?
LANDLORD
No my old pub was going down the toilet with the duty on booze, so I thought why not give an authentic pub experience to those who don't drink.

DENZIL
Hang on mate you're missing something people go down the pub to get slaughtered.
DERECK
A pub with no booze is like a Page 3 Stunna' without a rack.
LANDLORD
I know that's why we have a special range of drinks; lemonade with ipecac or maybe a gingerale and washing up liquid. It makes you vomit and feel queasy, still tastes to good though compared to Stella.

DERECK
But, but what about pointless pub arguments? And maybe the occasional punch up?
OLDMAN
He has these cards.
DENZIL (READING)
They come of here and take our Kormas send them back to Harvesters, who's tougher Hamas or Al Quaeda?
DERECK
But what about women? You know chatting up birds and that?

LANDLORD.
When was the last you pulled in a pub after 6 pints?
DENZEL
Good point.
OLDMAN
For a fiver he'll slap you and throw a drink in your face.
DERECK
To be fair that is pretty authentic.
DENZIL
You know what Dereck this might work. But where is everyone?
LANDLORD
Afternoon prayers and here they come now.
FX
SOUND OF LARGE CROWD ENTERING PUB.
DERECK
Better order before the rush. Ok barkeep I'll ave 2 pints of lemonade, and can you put the telly on Sky sports. It's Israel v US in the world cup qualifier and a packet of pork scratchings.

LANDLORD
You're barred.

This one got a bit lost for me Soots.

I found it very hard to read, formatting and the grammer.

I quite liked the punchline though.

Essentially this is a joke involving Mulsims, and the following things were mentioned -

1. Goats
2. Al-Qaeda (not Al Quaeda, which sounds like a fizzy drink)
3. Hamas

Maybe I'm missing some intense hidden satire or something, but I just can't see how this is in any way humourous. I know it's not appreciated when people come on the forum only to critisize, but I imagine the response would have been worse had you written the equivalent skit about a West Indian pub and talked about bananas, or a gay pub and talked about fairies.

Political correctness is ridiculous, but lazy writing doesn't justify an attempt at being 'edgy'.

Haha, oh dear, I spelt Muslims wrong.

Ignore everything I said, I'm a buffoon.

You made an Asslam out of yourself.

Quote: Leevil @ August 28 2009, 6:08 PM BST

You made an Asslam out of yourself.

View original

It's very true, but I think my point still stands

Crikey my first wander into the world of the politically incorrect and I knock over a hornets nest. The joke was meant to be on how crass pub culture was and how you could replicate it if you didn't drink. The skit originally had some methodists in it but it made it to long. The goat was a mere illustration as the fellow wouldn't have had a dog (it being Harram). And Hamas Al Quaeda are though as an example of pub ammunition type chats about who's tougher the SAS or Spetznatz?

Sorry Sootyj but it came across as an example of everything you said you are trying not to do any more - a rushed soupy mess of ideas that have been splurged out. There *might* be an idea in there but I can't pick it out from what's on the page/screen. And I'm a fan.

YWB.

YWB the 3 scarlet letters yowzer!

We fall to rise I hope.