Gunfight at the Clueless Corral

Hi,

I'd appreciate any comments on this script. Just wondering whether to send it off to the voice over guy now or wait a few days. I'm so impatient - probably should force myself to wait

http://www.shoepie.co.uk/archive/cowboys.pdf

Copied to the forum.

EXT. HIGH NOON IN AN 1800'S WILD WEST TOWN.

Two gun-slingers 10 paces apart, facing off for a shoot-out.  Dramatic western music is playing.  They're both poised ready to draw.

CLINT
I didn't think you'd show up you sniveling, yellow bellied, coward.

JIM
Oh come on! 

The dramatic music stops.

CLINT
What?

JIM
Isn't it enough that we're just about to try and shoot each others faces off?  Do we really need to resort to childish name calling too?

CLINT
Well, when you put it like that, it does kinda seem a bit immature.

JIM
Thank you!  Now let's try to conduct this bloodbath in a more civilised manner.

Dramatic music starts up, both men go back to their draw stances.

CLINT
I'm uh... grateful for your punctuality today kind Sir, and I uh, respectfully request that you draw those beautiful, chrome-plated Smith and Wessons on the count of three.

JIM
Stop!  Stop!  This isn't working.

Dramatic music stops.

CLINT
Now what?!

JIM 
You've gone too far the other way!  How can I concentrate on gunning you down when you're being so reasonable and charming!?

CLINT
Hmmm.  Well, that is quite the Pickle.

JIM
Right, let's try this again, but this time nobody talks.  We'll just shoot each other.

CLINT
OK Fine.

Dramatic music starts up.  Both men adopt their stances, a tense build-up and then they both draw.  They unload their guns.  After the dust settles both men are still standing.

JIM
(Hopeful)
Did I get you?

CLINT
Nope.

JIM
Oh well this is just Brilliant!  As if this whole situation hasn't been awkward enough, here we are at the end of the gun fight and neither of us is dead!

The men walk towards each other until they're a few paces apart.

CLINT
Yep.  I do feel kinda stupid what with us both surviving like this.

JIM
So what do we do now?

CLINT
How about a game of Paper, Rock, Scissors?

I'd change

"here we are at the end of the gun fight and one of us isn't dead!"

to

"here we are at the end of the gun fight and neither one of us is dead!"

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ August 25 2009, 8:06 PM BST

I'd change
"here we are at the end of the gun fight and one of us isn't dead!"
to
"here we are at the end of the gun fight and neither one of us is dead!"

View original

Thanks Kevin. Yeah good point,that's done in my offline copy now.

The success of this one would hinge on the way it's directed. There needs to be close-ups for menacing glances, appropriate pauses for tension [with the right music] and the gunslingers need to look credible.

Could be good if produced well.

BTW, *Smith & Wesson.

Quote: Geoff Mutton @ August 26 2009, 6:26 AM BST

The success of this one would hinge on the way it's directed.

View original

Yeah that's going to be crucial. None of my animations to date have had any big dramatic moments so it will be a challenge. It'd be better if I could film it but I don't have the resources so I'll have to practice animating squinty stares.

I have my dramatic westerney music picked out from a royalty free library. http://www.incompetech.com/m/c/royalty-free/index.html?keywords=western+streets

Quote: Geoff Mutton @ August 26 2009, 6:26 AM BST

BTW, *Smith & Wesson.

View original

Ah! Thanks.

Copied the script to the forum with the changes so far.

Also toying with a title change to "last Chance Buffoon!"

If I was being really, really anal, I'd say that technically the game is called "Rock, Paper, Scissors".

http://www.worldrps.com/

But I'm not, so I won't.

Quote: Kevin Murphy @ August 26 2009, 11:40 AM BST

If I was being really, really anal, I'd say that technically the game is called "Rock, Paper, Scissors".

View original

Doh! Thanks for that correction!

Is this an animation? I'm not sure it would suit your style of animating, I imagine this to be quite fast paced cuts. As Geoff says, the success would be in the direction. Not to say you wouldn't be able to do it, mind.

As for the script, I liked it and I wanted to like it more, but I thought there was too much dialogue. It's a silly, comic situation and if you intend it as animation, in this case, I think you should concentrate on the visuals and hone that side of your animating, because whilst your 'toons are good. They are still quite static and I think you can now do better than that.

I liked the dialogue, but in this instance I believe you would benefit from some hard editing.

Hi Leevil, Yeah this is an animation. I will definitely have to crank it up a notch in the cinematography department but I'm looking forward to giving it a go. Try and get away from the more static stuff.

I've just been watching this, it's so awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACHVwA1D8fE

Would love to be able to do something like that one day. This took the guy 8 months though so I should probably spend more than 2 weeks on it!

Quote: ShoePie @ August 26 2009, 2:21 PM BST

I've just been watching this, it's so awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACHVwA1D8fE

Would love to be able to do something like that one day. This took the guy 8 months though so I should probably spend more than 2 weeks on it!

View original

My brain would have dribbled out of my ear if I attempted anything like that. Impressive stuff. It's also close to what I was imagining your sketch to look like, that fast-paced Power-puff Girls style.

Hey mr shopie, glad to see your still alive, right, let's get into it.
Animation wise, it'll be easy peasy for you, intrested to see what route you take artistically. Other than that, the script was fine, didn't blow me out of the water like some of your stuff has in the past ,but, it was enjoyable non the less! =]

Wish you all the best with this project, looking forward to seeing it!

Thanks mate. I've just got the audio back from the actor and he blew it out of the park, it sounds amazing. I'm really excited about bringing this one to life and trying out some new things.

EDIT
----

Just been given permission to use this as my soundtrack.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTZfKm8I65c

Regardless of what this thing looks like it's going to sound great!