British Comedy Guide

M-M-Milk

MISS
Gordon. Gordon Brown.

(GORDON trudges forwards, sobbing)

GORDON
Yes Miss?

MISS
Why are you blubbing again, Brown?

GORDON
M-M-Milk Monitor, M-m-miss

MISS
Don't stutter Brown. You already have a lazy eye.

GORDON
They d-d-don't like me, Miss.

MISS
Photographers?

GORDON
No. The other children.

MISS
Well why did they make you milk monitor then?

GORDON
No; I wasn't elected, Miss.

MISS
What?

GORDON
I was just there to count the bottle tops, but then I saw the opportunity

MISS
With that singular working eye...

GORDON
And now the bottom's fallen out of the milk market, I can't get any milk and the other kids hate me.

MISS
Well we can't have that, can we Brown?

GORDON
No, Miss.

MISS
You know what you're going to have to do?

GORDON
No, Miss.

MISS
You're going to have to bugger off

GORDON
W-w-what?

MISS
The people have lost faith, Gordon. F**k off.

GORDON
Yes, Miss.

MISS
If you can't get any milk, you're no good to them, Brown.

GORDON
No Mrs. Thatcher.

BEAT

MISS
I have milk though Brown. Have you thought about that? Perhaps you'd like to milk me?

GORDON
I can't; the metallic tang…

MISS
(drawing Gordon's head in) Give in to it, Brown. You can depend on me. Yes. Depend on me.

Hi Mark,

I got a little confused with the timeline. It appeared that MISS became Mrs Thatcher, kids became people and I was unsure if GORDON was a child throughout.

To improve the structure, iron those points out - and tell us the location [I would guess classroom?]

This isn't brilliant topical or current comedy really needs to say something new or surprising or at least something old in an original way. In this case Gordon is a bit of a Thatcherite and a wimp and she's a bitch is a bit so what? Also the characterisation feels off.

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