FILMED DOCUMENTARY STYLE, WITH A FEMALE NARRATOR (OOV).
SCENE 1. EXT. THE STREET.
JOHN, AN ORDINARY BLOKE, IS TRUDGING ALONG. TWO OR THREE MEN PASS HIM AS THE NARRATOR IS TALKING.
NARRATOR
John is one of a growing number of men afflicted with a complaint that makes it impossible for them to go out in public without agonies of embarrassment, to engage in normal social interaction without causing offence, or to form intimate, meaningful relationships. John suffers from declined eyeline syndrome.
A WOMAN WALKS PAST, AND JOHN STARES.
NARRATOR (CONT.)
When looking at a member of the opposite sex he is unable to elevate his line of sight above breast level.
THE WOMAN LOOKS HUFFY AND WALKS PAST.
CUT TO:
SCENE 2. EXT. PARK.
JOHN IS TALKING TO CAMERA.
JOHN
I try, I try so hard, to focus on women's faces, but I just don't see them. All I can see is the tits.
TWO YOUNG WOMEN WALK PAST, SEE JOHN STARING AT THEIR BREASTS AND WALK AWAY MUTTERING ANGRILY TO ONE ANOTHER. JOHN BANGS HIS HEAD AGAINST A TREE.
CUT TO:
SCENE 3: INT. POST OFFICE.
JOHN IS AT THE HEAD OF A LINE OF WOMEN QUEUEING FOR THE COUNTER .
NARRATOR
For men like John the most basic social interactions can become a minefield.
AT THE COUNTER JOHN IS SERVED BY A FEMALE CLERK.
CLERK
How can I help you, sir?
JOHN STARES FIXEDLY AT HER BREASTS.
CLERK
Sir?...sir?
JOHN
Oh, sorry... miles away.
THE CLERK SLAMS DOWN THE WINDOW BLIND. A WOMAN IN THE QUEUE BEHIND JOHN TUTS. JOHN TURNS TO THE WOMAN AND STARES FIXEDLY AT HER BREASTS.
JOHN
Sorry.
JOHN EXITS, APOLOGISING IN TURN TO EACH WOMAN'S BREASTS.
SCENE 4: INT. A DOCTOR'S SURGERY.
A DOCTOR IS BEING INTERVIEWED BY THE NARRATOR, WHO IS OUT OF SIGHT.
NARRATOR
Doctor, just how prevalent is John's condition?
DOCTOR
Our research shows that it may affect as many as 9 out of 10 males.
NARRATOR
Good grief.
DOCTOR
The others we think are leg men.
NARRATOR
And is there nothing that can be done? ... er Doctor... I'm up here Doctor!
SCENE 5: INT. CAFE.
JOHN IS SAT AT A TABLE.
NARRATOR
Yet there may be hope for John. A radical new approach, gaze readjustment therapy, offers a solution that could enable him, and others like him, to conduct themselves acceptably in everyday life.
JOHN
(TO CAMERA) Of course, it's not a complete cure, I still can't do faces. But it helps.
JOHN IS SERVED BY A BUSTY WAITRESS.
JOHN
(TO WAITRESS) Thank you.
THE WAITRESS WALKS AWAY WITHOUT APPARENT OFFENCE.
JOHN
(TO CAMERA) Did you see the camel toe on that?!
END.
