In the style of a fly-on-the-wall documentary.
*
EXT. A STREET. DAY.
DARREN WALKS DOWN THE STREET.
NARRATOR (V.O.):
On the surface, Darren Clarke appears to be a normal member of the British public. An HSBC branch manager, married with two children. But he harbours an unusual secret. Darren is one of a growing number of people in the UK who compulsively talk to camera.
CUT TO:
INT. A LIVING ROOM. DAY.
PETE AND HIS WIFE SIT ON THEIR COUCH. PETE ADDRESSES AN OFF-CAMERA INTERVIEWER.
PETE:
Well, we was in the pub when I first noticed. One second he's talking to me about the footy, all normal-like. Then he just looks off to his right and says to nobody: "Pete's such a fool. I've been banging his missus for months and he's none the wiser". Like he's Alfie or something. [BEAT] All rubbish, of course.
PETE'S WIFE LOOKS AWAY SHYLY.
PETE:
It took me and the lads a few weeks to figure it out. Geezer thinks he's got a film crew following him around. Mad.
CUT TO:
INT. A PUB. DAY.
DARREN AND HIS MATES ARE STANDING CHATTING, HAVING A LAUGH, AT THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM.
NARRATOR (V.O.):
There's no known cause and, unfortunately for Darren, no known cure for this, what can be socially debilitating, affliction.
DARREN SUDDENLY LOOKS OFF TO THE RIGHT AND BEGINS TO DELIVER A CONFESSIONAL MONOLOGUE INTO EMPTY SPACE.
HIS MATES ALL WAIT UNCOMFORTABLY FOR HIM TO FINISH.
CUT TO:
INT. A PUB. DAY.
AT A TABLE WITH DARREN AND HIS MATES.
NARRATOR (V.O.):
In this documentary, we will give you an exclusive glimpse into the life of the man who talks to camera.
PETE:
Now that, what's her name, Jackie Brambles… I wouldn't kick her out of bed.
DAVE:
I'm more of a Fern Britton guy myself.
DARREN:
Fern Britton? You've got to be kidding. Can't be doing with the big girls. [TO CAMERA] Though, truth be told, I've knocked one out over her more than once.
HIS MATES SHIFT AWKWARDLY WHILE HE DELIVERS THE LINE TO CAMERA, THEN CARRY ON.
PETE:
Isn't she married to that Phillip Schofield?
DARREN:
[TO CAMERA] Him too.
HIS MATES ARE ALL STARING AT HIM.
PRODUCER (O.S.):
Sorry to interrupt. I don't think this is really working.
PETE:
What's wrong?
PRODUCER (O.S.):
It's Darren. He keeps talking to camera.
PETE:
Isn't that what you came here for?
PRODUCER (O.S.):
Well, yes. But, Darren, you keep talking to the actual camera. We're trying to get an insight into your normal life. Can you, you know, just pretend we're not here and talk to the 'other' camera?
DARREN:
Did you bring another camera?
PRODUCER (O.S.):
Well, no. I mean the 'other' camera. You know…
DARREN CLEARLY HAS NO IDEA WHAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT.
DARREN:
[TO CAMERA] This bird's a f**king nutter.
END
