INT. THE REICH CHANCELLERY. SEPTEMBER 17, 1940.
ADOLF HITLER IS SAT AT THE HEAD OF THE MARBLE-TOPPED TABLE IN HIS OFFICE. SEATED AROUND IT ARE REICHSMARSCHALL GORING, GRAND ADMIRAL RAEDER, FIELD MARSHAL VON RUNDSTEDT AND ADMIRAL CANARIS.
HITLER
So, gentlemen, Operation Sealion.
GORING
The Luftwaffe has complete mastery of the skies. Our precision bombing is eliminating all opposition.
HITLER
And the Kreigsmarine?
RAEDER
The seas have been swept clear of mines. Our troop transports await your orders.
HITLER
Good, good. Von Runstedt?
VON RUNDSTEDT
We have encountered a titchy problem.
HITLER
What?!
VON RUNDSTEDT
It is the coastal defences Mein Fuhrer.
HITLER
You are frightened of scuffing your nice shiny jackboots on the nasty barbed wire?
GORING AND RAEDER SNIGGER.
VON RUNDSTEDT
Nein mein glorious leader, the Britishers' beaches are defended with an ingenious secret weapon.
HITLER
What could be so fiendish as to deter the mighty Wehrmacht?
VON RUNSTEDT
Allow me to demonstrate Mein Fuhrer.
VON RUNDSTEDT STANDS AND WALKS OVER TO A SHEET LYING ON THE FLOOR. THE OTHERS FOLLOW HIM. HE PULLS AWAY THE SHEET TO REVEAL A FOLDED DECK CHAIR.
HITLER
A sun lounger?
VON RUNDSTEDT
No ordinary sun lounger. A design so cunning it has defeated the finest minds in the Abwehr.
CANARIS HOLDS UP A BANDAGED LITTLE FINGER.
CANARIS
I caught mein pinky!
HITLER
Dumbkopfs!
HITLER PROCEEDS TO ATTEMPT TO ERECT THE DECK CHAIR. HE IS REDUCED TO FURY, KICKING THE DECK CHAIR AROUND THE ROOM IN AN IMPOTENT RAGE. EVENTUALLY HE GIVES UP, AND STANDS WITH HIS HANDS ON HIS KNEES PANTING.
RAEDER
This is a disaster! We shall never gain control of the beaches.
GORING
Ja. If we cannot put up their loungers how can we put our towels on them?
HITLER STOMPS OFF.
HITLER
Ach, call off the invasion!!
END.